


nights long by repute alone

by keircatenation



Category: Samurai Love Ballad Party - Fandom, 天下統一恋の乱 | Sakura Amidst Chaos | Samurai Love Ballad (Visual Novel)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, M/M, Minor Character Death, Multi, NOW WITH ART!!!, POV Second Person, also i have been unsatisfied with how old SLBP portrays Masamune; he's only 18!!!! he's young!!!!!, barely edited i'm sorry, i wanted to romance both these men so i decided i should write it myself, slightly more historically accurate than the otome but selectively so i'm sure
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-06-05 13:18:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 45,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15171554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keircatenation/pseuds/keircatenation
Summary: You arrive at Yonezawa Castle hoping that, somehow, you can spare your brother's life by being Date Masamune's poison taster in his stead. Within a few weeks, Katakura Kojuro has found out that you're a woman, you've decided to learn more about poisons so you don't die while tasting your new lord's food, and you realize that, despite what Kojuro-sama says about sending you back to Kyoto in spring, you don't want to leave.





	1. episode one

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from a poem by Ono No Komachi, translated by Helen Craig McCullough in _Kokin Wakashū: The First Imperial Anthology of Japanese Poetry_ :
> 
>  _Autumn nights, it seems,_  
>  are long by repute alone:  
> scarcely had we met  
> when morning's first light appeared,  
> leaving everything unsaid.  
>   
> My working title has been "The Masamune x Kojuro x MC powerhouse ot3 fic."

_It could be worse,_ you tell yourself, as if that will make everything better. You might not be in danger from the magistrate back home anymore, and your younger brother might not be suffering either, but you're still a two weeks' journey from Kyoto, and you don't know anyone in Yonezawa, and you're fairly sure that if you don't learn more about poisons you're going to be the one suffering from one of them soon enough.

The gates of the castle fortress are large and imposing, but what's more imposing is the arrival of the Date army several hours after you arrive at the castle. You've only had time to place your items in the room you'll be sharing with other servants and get through half of a tour of the castle with the kind and talkative Umeko ("No, please, just call me Umeko, Yahiko-kun!") before the call sounds out that the lord of the castle is home again. Umeko takes you outside and you kneel with the rest of the servants, because what else are you supposed to do? It's not like you know anyone else here.

You hear the whispers before you see the returning soldiers, and before the smell of blood hits your nose. It's not bad - coppery, with a metallic taste on the back of your tongue, nothing you haven't smelled before when picking up meat at the butcher's for the restaurant - but the servants around you whisper about how scary the soldiers are, how terrifying young Date-sama is for his prowess in battle.

Shouldn't a lord be competent at battle? You wonder if your father would still be alive if the lord he had been serving had been any better.

What  _is_ terrifying about young Date-sama is the coldness in his eyes. You glance up briefly when his horse passes, and you see that his gaze is distant and aloof, as if he has no concern for the amount of blood splattered all over his armor. You stare maybe longer than you should, mouth slightly open, and maybe he feels your stare, because Date-sama looks down, right at you.

Your eyes widen as they meet his one remaining eye, and you jerk your gaze back to the ground.

Date-sama's horse walks past without stopping.

* * *

 Later, Umeko whispers, "The young lord is  _terrifying_ , isn't he? He went to his first battle at age fourteen, and won it - I can only imagine how much he thinks about killing!"

"How long has he been head of the clan?" you ask, not wanting to think about war.

"Only about a year now," Umeko replies. "I don't know why Terumune-sama decided to pass the responsibility on to Date-sama. It's not like Terumune-sama is too old - he's still active, managing a castle for the domain!"

You consider this. "Maybe he just didn't want to be responsible for sending men to war anymore." Your father had certainly been tired of killing men, let alone sending men off to kill other men, even before leaving to fight the last battle that claimed his life.

"Maybe, but why would he name  _Date-sama_ as his successor?" There's a little whine in Umeko's voice.

"Isn't Date-sama Terumune-sama's first born son?" you ask. You haven't heard of another, older brother, and you think that would have been Umeko's first argument against young Date-sama.

"Yes, but..." Umeko trails off, and looks away. "The retainers don't trust young Date-sama. They talk about how he doesn't respect them, like Terumune-sama did."

And apparently that distrust has filtered down into the servants, if a serving-maid like Umeko refers to her current lord so coldly while referring to his predecessor more warmly. You bite your lip, glad that it's you here and not Yahiko. After all, poison is the choice of the discontent vassal in this time of war.

* * *

On the first night back from a successful campaign, there is a victory feast. Of course there is; how else do warlords keep morale up when their soldiers could die on the next campaign? You're seated on the dais next to young Date-sama, waiting for the meal to arrive so you can test it for poisons before he eats.

_It's funny_ , you think. Date-sama acts like you're not even there, which is comforting (at least he hasn't taken offense to your uncourtly manners yet, right?) and distinctly unsettling, since you expected at least a glance, if not a nod of acknowledgement. After all, it's your job here to protect him from death by poison. He could at least have the decency to show that he knows you're putting your life on the line just as much as any of his retainers who went to battle with him.

Then again - maybe he is giving you as much recognition as them, since Date-sama barely acknowledges  _any_  of his retainers as they talk in the hall.

So this is why Umeko and the servants are so scared of him. It's like he doesn't even care that anyone else exists.

The dishes of food are brought in, and Date-sama's platter is brought to him first. Or maybe, to  _you_  first, since you're the one to sample it before the lord. You're anxious enough to get it over with that it doesn't take any prompting at all for you to approach and pick up the silver chopsticks. Of course - you've heard that silver is supposed to be used to detect poison.

You survey the tray, trying to decide what to sample first to make this the most efficient process. You're extremely aware of the retainers waiting to eat. You can almost picture their eyes on your back, watching you as you try and figure out your new job.

Best to just get started, probably. You start to reach for a sliver of fish, but as you lean forward...

Bitter almonds?

Almonds aren't out of season, not this late in the year, but you would  _never_ pair almonds with the red sea bream. Besides, this isn't almonds, but but  _bitter_ almonds, and you can't even see where the smell would be coming from.

You really hate to be an alarmist, especially for your first time, but...

You look up at your new lord. "The food smells off, Date-sama."

The retainers erupt around you: "What does he mean?" "Doesn't smell off to me!" "He's just nervous." "Stop complaining and do your job!"

Throughout it all, you remain still and stubborn, looking just at young Date-sama. You will  _not_  eat this food, which means you will not let  _him_  eat it, either. "Milord, I don't think you should eat this."

"Nonsense! If it was poisoned, the silver of the chopsticks would tarnish!" one of the retainers nearby snarls, getting up and snatching them out of your hands, holding them out for Date-sama to see.

You shrink back from the retainer's violent movements, but still refuse to eat. It's not your job to die from poison, you remind yourself, it's your job to  _protect_ your lord from dying from poison.

Maybe something of your determination comes across on your face, because Date-sama's eyebrows lift, and he turns to look at the retainer brandishing the silver chopsticks. He says, voice quiet and even, "If you're going so far as to mention the chopsticks -"

_BANG._

The shoji screens at the door of the hall slide open violently, the wooden frames bashing into the walls, as Umeko runs in. She's panicking, breathing hard, and as soon as she sees the tray of food in front of Date-sama, she cries, "Date-sama! Please, do not touch that food!" She runs all the way up to the dias and collapses on her knees. "A mouse that ate some of Date-sama's food has just died!"

_I knew it was poisoned_ , you think. There's a warm feeling expanding in your chest - is this what it feels like to protect someone? Is this what your father felt when he came home from a war victorious, content in the knowledge that his family was safe?

Maybe.

The food is sent away, but you remain by young Date-sama's side for when a new tray is brought back. There doesn't seem to be much point in poisoning a man twice in one night, but what do you know? You wouldn't even think to poison a man in the first place. You wouldn't think to  _kill_  a man in any way in the first place.

Before a new tray arrives, a new retainer approaches the dais and kneels respectfully before Date-sama. The retainer is older than the lord - maybe a decade or so, judging by the defined shape of his shoulders and the confidence in his posture - and has a kind face, even if his expression is serious.

"Kojuro...?" Date-sama asks, and you're surprised at the level of familiarity between the men.

"We have caught the cook with a vial of poison, Masamune-sama," the retainer - Kojuro-sama? - replies. His voice is low and calm, as if people attempt to kill his lord every day. "How shall we weal with him?"

Considering how Date-sama looked when he came home this afternoon, splattered in blood, maybe they do.

"...Deal with the cook however you see fit," Date-sama finally says, glancing at Kojuro-sama and then away again.

"Of course, Masamune-sama," Kojuro-sama replies, as if it was never in question. Then he turns to you, and if he didn't smile so warmly at you, you might have flinched back from the focus in his gaze. "As for you... Yahiko-san, correct? Our new poison taster."

"Uh, yes, milord," you say, and give him a truncated bow.

"You're skilled to have recognized the poison so readily," Kojuro-sama replies, still smiling. "You are to be commended."

Your cheeks flush at the praise, and you give another bow. "Thank you, Kojuro-sama, but I am just pleased that my skills are of service to Date-sama." You're not sure if you imagine it, but you think you see Date-sama's eyes flash over to you - but then, when you glance over at him, his eyes are staring off into the distance like they have the rest of the evening so far.

Kojuro-sama leaves, and another tray is brought, and this one smells and tastes fine - if perhaps seasoned a little differently than you would have, if you had been the one making it - and so you put the chopsticks within reach of Date-sama, bow, and retreat from the dais, your job finally done for the night. Even so, Date-sama takes only one bite before setting his chopsticks back down and standing up to leave. He gives a short speech thanking his retainers for their efforts in taking Odamori Castle, and then he leaves without a backwards glance.

Is this behavior normal? You think it surely can't be, because no man - especially one as young as Date-sama - can survive on so little food. But the retainers don't look surprised at their lord's behavior, digging into their meals and chatting cheerfully as if it happens every day.

You're really not sure what you've gotten yourself into here, but once again you find yourself glad that it's  _you_  here and not your little brother.

* * *

Later that night, you find yourself wondering how exactly your father slept on the military campaigns he was drafted into. The body heat of the men sleeping next to you means that it's cozy in the room, despite the winder winds outside, but you can't get over the fact that you're sleeping close enough to grown men that you could reach out and  _touch them_. Grown men! Who you're not even related to!

Reflecting on this matter, you think your father probably had it easier, since he was a grown man as well.

You're starting to feel like you hadn't thought this through. Pretend to be a man, really? Putting on hakama to make the trip here was your first time wearing somethings less constricting than feminine kimono. You haven't changed yet, so there's been no chance for someone to catch you with your clothes undone, but it's only a matter of time. Besides, Umeko's already remarked on how  _cute_  you are for a boy. Maybe everyone else just assumes that you're young, that you haven't grown in a beard yet? You hope so, because if you're caught lying to everyone like this -

Well, what you imagine will happen to you and your family makes the thought of marrying that magistrate and living miserably for the rest of your life seem pleasant in comparison.

On top of these thoughts, your stomach feels like it's eating itself out of hunger. The attempted poisoning made it hard to stomach anything at dinner, but now you wish you'd choked more than a few bites of rice down. If you could even just get some water...

Mind made up, you creep out of the sleeping hall and start heading in the direction of the kitchen. or at least, in the direction of where you  _think_  the kitchen is. Or should be. Yonezawa's not that big, right? It should be easy enough to remember where the kitchen is from Umeko's tour early. Even if everything looks completely different in the dark.

.....Maybe you were overconfident, because this is definitely  _not_  the way to the kitchen.

But there's a delicious smell... Maybe there are smaller kitchens out this way? There has to be, if someone's cooking this late at night.

You head in the direction of the food, pausing in the next doorway to the outside you come across. There's a small residence across a lawn, and there's a man making something over a fire.

Is that - Date-sama?

Why would the lord of the clan be out alone at night, making his own food?

You feel more anxious than you did at dinner, your stomach folding in on itself, and you start backing up. You don't want to be seen here, where you'd obviously be intruding on something private. Not on your first night here, not on  _any_  night.

(That had been a lot of blood splattered across Date-sama's armor that afternoon.)

However, before you can back up more than a few steps, someone grabs you from behind, one hand over your mouth, another one holding your arm in a vise grip. Your scream is smothered against the hand over your mouth, and you can barely twist your head far enough to see your assailant over your shoulder.

It's Kojuro-sama, looking at you with eyes colder than Date-sama's, and he asks, voice low and deadly, "What are you doing here?"


	2. episode two

When you told yourself earlier that it could always be worse, being interrogated as a spy by Kojuro-sama and young Date-sama was  _not_ what you meant by that. And honestly, you hope that you didn't tempt the kami by telling yourself that. You've never been particularly superstitious, but this -

This might  _make_  you become superstitious.

"Didn't anyone tell you never to come to this part of the castle?" Kojuro-sama asks you. His arms are folded across his chest, eyebrows drawn together in a severe frown, even if his voice is still even. You get the feeling that his voice is  _always_  even, as if nothing can surprise him.

"Please, milords, I didn't realize where I was going," you say, trying to keep your voice steady. You don't think tears will win you any support here. "Umeko-san, she - uh, she was the one who showed me around, she's a maid -"

"We know who Umeko is," Kojuro sama cuts in. "We do  _not_ , however, know who  _you_  are, Yahiko-san."

You take a chance and glance up from your kneeling bow. Kojuro-sama's eyes are just as cold as they were when he caught you outside, and Date-sama looks as aloof and unbothered as ever. He sits on a tatami mat to one side, letting Kojuro-sama do all the talking.

Lucky him.

You shift your eyes back to your interrogator. "Well, Umeko gave me the tour, but everything looked so different in the dark. I was looking for the kitchen, because I barely ate during supper. I, uh" - you glance over at Date-sama again - "I was too anxious. I didn't really... expect a poisoning attempt on my first day here." The moment the words are out of your mouth, you wince. They're too informal, too coincidental. There's nothing you can  _prove_ , and your only character witnesses that have known you for more than a few hours are a two weeks' journey away.

"Please forgive me, Date-sama," you whisper, pressing your head to the floor in dogeza. "I did not mean to disturb you."

There's no telling what young Date-sama will order. Kojuro-sama seemed kind earlier at supper, but that was just after you'd sniffed out the poison in his lord's food. You're sure he will follow his lord's wishes in this case, no matter how useful you've been so far.

Silence stretches over your head, and you resist looking up to see what the samurai are doing. Sweat trickles down your spine, and you bite your lip. At least it's you here, and not your brother. If you can manage to protect your brother and mother, then maybe then you can die in a way your father would be proud of.

That doesn't mean you actually  _want_  to die here.

"You. Look up." It's not Kojuro-sama's voice - too young, a little quieter - which means that had been Date-sama talking. You raise your head, settling back into seiza. Date-sama still looks cold and unapproachable, but his gaze on you is less pressuring than Kojuro-sama's.

Maybe it has to do with having only one eye instead of two?

You bite your tongue to resist the  _terribly_  inopportune urge to giggle.

"Why did you decide to serve us," Date-sama continues, and it might grammatically be a question, but there's not enough interest there to make it one. You don't know if the disinterest is real, or just a mask.

"I, ah..." you say, and then you pause, not quite sure where to begin with your story. What can you tell? What  _can't_  you tell?

"Answer the question," Kojuro-sama snaps.

"I am! I just, ah -" You sigh, and you glance between the two samurai. "I came here... in someone else's place."

* * *

Later, when you're back in bed and trying to sleep among all the male servants of the castle, you wonder if Date-sama and Kojuro-sama have brothers, because that had been what seemed to affect them the most about your story - that you're here in place of your younger brother, who you want to protect from whatever you can. It's nice, in a way, that they cared enough about your family to even inquire after the magistrate, and to let you write to your mother to see if there's any more trouble. You can believe it of Kojuro-sama easily enough; when he's not suspecting you of being a danger to his lord, he's clearly quite kind.

But to hear the bit of concern from young Date-sama... It makes you feel like maybe you  _can_ succeed here.

* * *

A week passes. Sleeping with the male servants never gets any easier, but once you start taking on some duties in the kitchens as well as your job as Date-sama's poison taster, you're too tired each night to do more than give the men on either side of you an annoyed glance before you roll over and go to sleep yourself.

Tasting Date-sama's meals for poison never gets easier, either. Maybe if you hadn't smelled that poison the first night, you'd be less anxious now, but a soft voice in the back of your mind always whispers,  _What if this dish is poisoned too?_

None of them are. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea snacks - no signs of poison. Or at least, none that you can find. Your anxiety tells you that it was only luck that you spotted the poison the first night.

When your thoughts get too dark, it's Umeko who drags you out of them. She's kind and loves to pass along gossip, so whenever you're working next to her int he kitchens, you're always occupied. Stories, tales, real events - all of it is sensationalized and passed along in the perfect storyteller's voice. If Umeko wasn't a maid at Yonezawa, you think she should have become a wandering storyteller and poetry writer, for her way with words.

"Don't be silly, Yahiko-kun!" Umeko says when you mention this to her. "I'd have to know how to read and write then, if any men were to take me seriously!"

That's true enough. Your father was surprisingly literate for a common cook, and he taught you all the words he knew, but reading and writing the kind of poetry that a refined man like Kojuro-sama must enjoy is too far beyond your reach to even think about.

Still, sometimes it's nice to dream about things above your station.

* * *

Umeko recruits you into going into the castle town with her to pick up produce for meals, once she finds out that you're familiar with having to pick the good vegetables and fruits from the bad ones. Apparently, not enough of the servants are tolerable enough to her  _and_ know their way around a produce stand to be useful on these trips.

The fact that Umeko rates people's usefulness based not only on their abilities but also on how friendly they are to her says a lot about her, but you can't help but laugh at it. You can't imagine anyone wanting to be unfriendly to someone as cheerful as Umeko.

The trips into the castle town are usually short, since the merchants recognize Umeko's face, and the both of you are used to telling which food is good enough for the samurai. Hauling everything back up to the castle can be tricky, but the both of you are stronger than you appear.

"People in my family are always skinny," Umeko says one afternoon as she shoulders a large bag of potatoes with barely any grimace. "And it's easier to get good things to eat while working in the castle, so carrying heavy things around isn't as hard anymore."

Today, your list of food to find is shorter than usual, so you feel the urge to dawdle a bit. Working hard is its own reward, but the markets in Yonezawa's castle town are bright and bustling, and it's easy to let your attention drift. Umeko apparently agrees, with how often her steps slow as you pass stalls of jewelry.

"Ah, I can't really  _afford_  anything, but... It's nice to look," Umeko says sheepishly when you glance at her for the fifth time in a row. She laughs and turns away from the display of shiny trinkets - you spare a longing glance at them for a moment as well, thinking about the hairpin your father gave you as a good luck charm, now broken - and she walks right into a couple of burly men.

"Hey, watch where you're walking!" one of the men says. His kimono is patched, and his cheeks are slightly hollow. Hungry people are more likely to start fights, you think.

"Aa, please forgive me!" Umeko says, backing up a few steps to give a slight bow.

"Is that the best you can do?" the other man asks, an ugly set to his mouth.

Are men just naturally unpleasant this far north? No, no, that's too uncharitable. You step forward, and grab Umeko's arm to steer her away before making eye contact with the men. "Please forgive her. We won't bother you any longer."

The first man steps in your way when you start to walk away, and you don't like the way he looks at Umeko. He says, "Leaving so soon, pretty girl? What about making sure your apology to us is  _really good_?"

He can't really mean -

Umeko shrinks back against you a bit, but forces a smile onto her face. "Forgive me, sirs, but we're out on an errand, you see -"

"Nah, ditch the kid and come with us," the man says, tugging at Umeko's free arm.

The second man steps closer to you, as if he's trying to intimidate you. You have to admit, it works a bit, since he's both taller and broader across the shoulders than you. He might not be a samurai like Date-sama and Kojuro-sama, but hard labor gives men strength as much as fighting does. Even so, you force yourself not to take a step back. That would mean leaving Umeko alone.

"Please, sir, I, ah, I don't think..." Umeko says, stuttering a bit over the words.

The first man leers at her, leaning closer. "C'mon, we'll treat you  _real ni_ \- ah!"

Your palm makes a really satisfying sound across the man's cheek, and how far he stumbles back at the force of your blow makes a bit of pride blossom in your chest under all the anger.

"Yahiko-kun?" Umeko asks, shocked.

And a heavy can comes down on your shoulder, and you realized slapping that man maybe hadn't been your best plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why yes, I want an Umeko route.
> 
> In all seriousness, I really like it when otome protagonists get to interact with people who _aren't_ their love interests, so get ready for lots more Umeko in this fic.


	3. episode three

Running is so much easier in hakama than it is in a kimono. This isn't your opinion, just a  _fact_ , based on your experience of walking in kimonos all your life compared to your experience running in hakama for the past two minutes.

The two men are still chasing you, based on the shouts behind you. Well, at least Umeko escaped down the last alley, so she's safe.

You're just not sure how much longer  _you'll_  be safe, especially with the way your lungs burn in your chest.

You cut through a busy intersection, ducking behind a cart, and dart for a small alleyway. You throw yourself down it, and turn the corner before leaning back against the wall, taking deep gulps of air. Your kimono is stuck to your back with sweat, and you realize that you're going to have to wash your breast bindings tonight as well, or else they'll stink too much to wear soon. So far, you've managed to wash alone late at night and early in the mornings, but doing laundry will take longer than a quick scrubbing.

...You probably need to start thinking about what to do about your period as well. You had it when you left Kyoto for Oshu, so you only have a week and a half or so longer to plan. It might be suspicious if you ask around for both Angelica root and white peony root in the castle, since you're supposed to be a  _man_ , but if you can find an excuse to come back to the market on your own...

Hopefully, that will work. Your cramps are usually manageable with a lot of rest, but sometimes they'll get bad enough that you can barely stand, and you won't be able to beg off work every month without it looking very suspicious.

With the thoughts swirling in your head, you're not paying attention to the footsteps in the alley next to yours until you look over to see your pursuers there, looking out of breath and even angrier than before.

Whoops.

You turn to run again, but your feet tangle with each other and, even if you stay on your feet, you lose the head start you might have had. A hand at the back of your kimono drags you backwards, and you slam into a large chest.

"Thought you could run, huh, kid?"

A fist slams into your cheek, and pain overwhelms you as you fall. You're dragged up by your collar, but you can't make your legs do what you want, so it's less like being upright and more like hanging from the man's grasp while his friend punches your face again.

Cramps hurt worse, you tell yourself. You've had worse than this, don't cry, don't cry, don't beg, they'll just do more --

Well. Even if you're crying, at least you're not begging. Although that might be because your mouth is full of blood from biting your tongue because of one of the punches.

You're dropped back down to the ground, and a foot to your stomach makes you cry out weakly. Seems like your attackers like that, because they do it again, and also kick you in the side as well. Good news: you couldn't beg now even if you wanted to, because you can't seem to get enough air in your lungs to make your head stop spinning, let alone say anything.

There's finally a pause, and one of the men says, "Hey, the kid's not even whimpering anymore. You think he's out?"

A hand grabs your hair and tugs your head up. You open your eyes, glaring up at the first man you see. He lets out a short laugh and says, "Nope, still alive and glaring. Guess we need to teach him his lesson more."

...Glaring may not have been the best idea. At least you didn't spit blood at him. You'd considered doing that as well.

The hand in your hair lets go, and you drop back towards the ground, barely managing to get your hands between it and your face before you hurt it worse than it already is.

You wonder where Umeko is, whether or not she's gone back to the castle, if she wonders where you are.

You wonder if you would've been safe if you'd just let these assholes do what they wanted, back in the market.

You wonder if you'd have been able to live with yourself, if you'd done that.

The men exchange more words above you - you're not paying attention to them, they're either going to beat you more or walk away, and you think you know which they're going do - when a woman yells, "There they are!"

Which, what?

You raise your head and squint in the direction of the voice, and you see something out of a dream: Umeko, with an angry look on her face, with Kojuro-sama at her side. Kojuro-sama doesn't look  _angry,_ exactly, but the last time you saw him looking so icy was when he was interrogating you for wandering into Date-sama's private kitchen. So maybe that's how he gets angry - that sort of cold fury, instead of burning hot like most people.

You wonder why he's angry. He can't possibly care about you, but you can't suppose having rogues go around town beating people up would be good for Yonezawa or Date-sama's reputation, so maybe it's that?

"Hey, we're just teaching the kid some manners, no need to get upset over it." That's one of the men talking, and from the look on Kojuro-sama's face, that was the wrong thing to say.

"Is that so." Each word drops like ice down your spine, even though you're sure it's not directed at you.

"Yeah, come on. I don't know what that slut told you, but we're just --"

You're a little surprised at the amount of satisfaction you feel when the butt of Kojuro-sama's katana hit's the man's cheek with a loud  _THUNK. (_ You really didn't think you were this violent!)

The man Kojuro-sama hits goes down on his back like a sack of bricks, blood dripping out between the shaking fingers held to his face. The other man tries to run, but falls to a strike to the back of his head. Kojuro-sama doesn't even look winded as he sheathes his unbloodied katana again.

Umeko runs over to you and helps you back into a kneeling position, hands warm and comforting on your shoulders. "Yahiko-kun, are you - are you alright?"

"I'm - ah," you start to say, and then gingerly lean forward to spit out blood. "I'm, I'll be fine."

"Can you stand?" Kojuro-sama asks, and you look up to see he's standing in front of you.

"I - I can try," you say slowly. The men didn't kick your legs, right? Just your torso. Hah, "just."

Umeko's the only reason why you can get somewhere close to upright. You lean heavily on her, and even when you make your legs obey you through sheer force of will, your head starts spinning, like you can only focus on one body part at once.

"Oof," Umeko says, as you lean more heavily on her. "I can't, ah, I can't carry him, Kojuro-sama."

Your vision starts to go black around the edges, and you hope someone catches you before you fall and hurt yourself even more.

* * *

You wake up again, and almost wish you didn't. Your ribs hurt  _a lot_ , like one of your bad menstrual cycles except much higher in your torso, and even moving your face makes pain radiate out from your cheek.

A groan escapes you before you can stop it.

"Ah, good, you're awake."

Your eyes snap open, and you turn your head, because you can't imagine that's really Kojuro-sama sitting at your bedside -

But it is. In the low candlelight, he looks both more weary and more wary than usual. Probably something to do with how the shadows play across his face, obscuring half of it in shadow and clinging to the bags under his eyes. He was holding a scroll, but set it down now that it's clear your conscious and awake.

You swallow, wondering what's important enough that a lord samurai sat at your bedside until this late at night.

"You'll be glad to know that those men have been imprisoned for their crimes," Kojuro-sama continues. "They await sentencing, at Masamune-sama's earliest convenience. Whenever that will be."

You nod, not sure where this is going.

Kojuro-sama leans his head against his hand. The tilt of his head makes the shadows on his face shift. "You've been given medical attention, after you fainted this afternoon."

Oh. That... can't be good.

You clear your throat. "Ah... Thank you for the consideration, milord." Your voice is croaky from a dry throat.

"Of course. It's not every day that a new servant goes out of their way to save a comrade."

Maybe... Maybe he  _doesn't_ know, then?

You nod, and hope it looks humble and grateful enough to satisfy whatever Kojuro-sama's looking for.

"And one does not always expect such courage from women."

Ah, nope. He knows.

You close your eyes and turn your face away, hoping you don't don't cry again. "I didn't lie to deceive Date-sama," you say, voice barely wavering. "I really only came here to protect my brother."

"The young Yahiko." Kojuro-sama doesn't sound angry, but you don't think you're familiar enough with him to judge his moods yet, even after two instances of seeing his anger already.

"Yes." There's nothing really else to say. You lied to everyone when you presented yourself as a man, and you knew this day would come. You just didn't think it would be so soon.

"And your real name, then?"

You give it to him. There's no reason not to. Cooperating now can only help protect your family later, if Date-sama and Kojuro-sama decide this was an act of betrayal instead of one of desperation.

"Hm."

You wait for Kojuro-sama to tell you you're to be imprisoned, or killed, or something, but he doesn't say anything. There's a rustle of paper, and you turn your head and open your eyes to look at what he's doing.

He's gone back to reading his scrolls. Is he even paying attention to you anymore?

"Kojuro-sama?" you ask, wishing he'd just get this  _over with_ instead of drawing it out.

"You should rest," Kojuro-sama says instead, not looking up. "We will talk more later."

* * *

_Later_  apparently means  _never_  for Kojuro-sama, because he's not there when you wake up next, or the time after that, and eventually when you stay awake for more than an hour at a time, it's Umeko who comes to check up on you and see if you're well enough to come back to work. By then, your pains are dull aches, bruises fading from blue to a sickly greenish color.

"It looks worse than it feels," you reassure your friend. And it's the truth; whatever medication Kojuro-sama got for you from the doctor worked well.

You just don't know what the price for it is going to be.

Aoi, one of the other workers in the kitchen, had apparently stood in for you while you were injured, and he approaches you on your first day back with a grateful look and a welcoming pat on the shoulder. You can't decide whether to resent him for that, because his relief means the return of anxiety for you.

Date-sama gives you a long look when you show up with half of your face bruised, but doesn't say anything about it, and you taste his food for poisons without problem. You take this to mean that Kojuro-sama hasn't told anyone.

Your bruises are fading to a yellowish color when you muster up the courage to talk to Kojuro-sama directly. You quietly request to carry his nightly tea service to his office in the castle, and the maid is clearly exhausted and grateful for the excuse to go to bed early.

You find your way to Kojuro-sama's office without a problem; after the scare of your first night in Yonezawa, you've put as much effort as possible into memorizing the layout of the castle so you never stray where you're not allowed again.

"Your tea service, Kojuro-sama," you call outside his room.

"Come in." His voice sounds tired.

You hope this isn't a bad time. Well, if it is, then it is.

You push the shoji screen open and enter the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Kampo medications, white peony root is usually prescribed with Ancelica root and several other herbs to help regulate menstruation and relieve the pain of menstrual cramps. Since MC fainted from pain during her period during Masamune's route, I thought it would be nice to, ah, bring that in a bit early.
> 
> About the Fite Scene: I really hate sexual assault (or the threat of it) being used as a plot device, so I decided to let MC get beaten up a bit and let Kojuro find out about her all Mulan-style, through a medical examination. Besides, my MC is going to be a bit more Active than usual (thank u, Kojuro's route), so starting that early!


	4. episode four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which you're not killed, and you're also assigned _homework._

Your plan to talk to Kojuro-sama doesn't work as well as you hope, mainly because you can't seem to catch his eye to get his attention, and you really don't know how to start a conversation about whether or not he's going to kill you for deceiving him and his lord and everyone else in the castle as well. It seems too good to be true that he's just left you to work and recover up until now, and you don't want to really prompt him into a harsh sentence by annoying him... But does he really seem like the kind of man to kill you after letting you recover?

It's not like you've had very good experiences with authority figures up until now, since the magistrate is the highest authority figure you'd met before coming to Yonezawa.

It doesn't take long to set out the tea service, and that leaves you hovering in the doorway, trying to figure out how to broach the subject, or whether to bring it up at all, and what if -

"Please, sit down, Yahiko," Kojuro-sama says, finally looking up. "Do you mind if I continue to call you that, for the sake of your disguise?"

Your mouth drops open a bit, and then you snap it shut and arrange yourself into seiza on a cushion in front of his desk. "Ah, no, Kojuro-sama... That's fine. And, ah, I was wondering if, ah..."

"I wrote to a contact in Kyoto to confirm your story about the magistrate," Kojuro-sama says, holding up a folded sheet of paper. "My contact reported that the magistrate in your district is known for... Improper uses of power, shall we say."

You jerk your head in a nod. That's certainly one way to describe it. You'd probably describe it differently, but then again you're sure that Kojuro-sama has never had to deal with the stress and fear of a man in power refusing to take no for an answer. Samurai rarely face that challenge. And if they do, well, many of them seem to take care of it using steel.

"It would be wise for you to remain here at Yonezawa for the winter before being sent home in spring," Kojuro-sama continues. "Once the snows start, travel can be quite difficult, especially this far north."

"Thank you, Kojuro-sama," you say.

"Due to certain circumstances in the castle, I think it would be best for you to remain in your disguise as a man until your return to Kyoto," Kojuro-sama says. He looks at you evenly, and his eyes are warmer than the last time you saw him, and also much more tired. "To help with that, I'm going to assign you your own room. It'll be small, but you'll have privacy."

Relief breaks over you like a wave, and you bend over, touching your head to the ground. " _Thank you, K_ ojuro-sama." You hope he realizes just how genuine your gratefulness is. After all, you're so grateful that you're not even going to bother to question why you have to keep your disguise as a man until you return to Kyoto.

A sigh, and then Kojuro-sama says, "Please, sit up. After what you did for Umeko, a private room is a small reward."

You straighten up. "Even so... I'm very grateful. I wasn't sure..." You trail off, not sure how to make "I wasn't sure whether or not you were going to kill me for this" sound less terrified and more like you were waiting respectfully for whatever judgment was deemed fit.

Kojuro-sama smiles, and it transforms his face. "If my contact in Kyoto hadn't confirmed those parts of your story, we would be having a different conversation now. As it is, I'm convinced that whatever lies you have left aren't to hurt anyone here."

You blush, and duck your face to hide it.

"To prevent future trouble, is there anything else you require to deal with... this situation?" Only the hesitation betrays the fact that Kojuro-sama isn't as used to dealing with women masquerading as men as his even tone of voice makes you think.

You hesitate as well, because there  _is_ something, but you don't know if it's appropriate... But if it isn't, then Kojuro-sama can just refuse your request and never speak to you again. By the time the snows melt, your embarrassment will melt with it too, right?

"...Angelica root and white peony root," you say softly. "For a, ah, recurring medical condition." You close your eyes tightly, and wonder how your bruises look with your cheeks all flooded red from how much you're blushing. You hope Kojuro-sama will understand what you're referring to without needing you to explain further.

"...Ah," he says finally. "I understand. I believe that can be arranged."

You let out a sigh, and open your eyes again. Kojuro-sama is writing something on a small slip of paper, frowning down at it. Dismissal must be coming soon, because you can't imagine much else he would need to discuss with you.

Instead, he continues, "Correct me if I'm mistaken, but you said you worked in a restaurant?"

"Ah, yes, Kojuro-sama," you say.

"So you are familiar with many ingredients used to make food?"

You tilt your head to the side a bit, a little uneasy at claiming total competence, but... "I'm more confident of my knowledge of ingredients around Kyoto, but I've been learning the regional styles up here quickly."

Kojuro-sama looks up, and rests his chin in his hand, looking at you contemplatively. "And you are familiar with at least some medicinal herbs as well, clearly."

You blush again, and look away. "Ah..."

"It was a stroke of luck that you recognized the smell of the poison in Masamune-sama's dinner on your first night here," Kojuro-sama continues, and your blush fades with the reminder of that terrifying moment when you first smelled bitter almonds. "And while Masamune-sama has other ways of getting trustworthy food, he needs to eat with his retainers as well."

It's surprising that he's telling you all of this, but it's nothing you hadn't realized yourself. Or, most of it, at least. The part about young Date-sama having to eat with his retainers because his retainers barely trust him even a year after taking control of the clan. You've heard the stories the servants tell about a cannibalistic demon living under his eye patch.

Clearly just a story, but the fact that servants in Yonezawa whisper it around says something about how much (or rather, how little) the people here trust their lord.

"...How often have there been poisoning attempts?" you ask quietly.

Kojuro-sama's eyebrows raise. Maybe he hadn't expected you to ask questions. Nevertheless, he replies, "At least one a year since his younger brother was born. More frequently within the past year."

You have no idea how old his brother is, but it saddens you to think that people have tried to kill young Date-sama so often that he's this used to it. Maybe it's less dangerous than the battlefield, but you resent the fact that people are trying to turn food - food! What nourishes people, what should be used to grow and help and  _not kill_ \- against the young lord.

How young is Date-sama, anyways? He always looks cold and aloof, but he doesn't have the maturity of someone like Kojuro-sama. Is he even older than you are?

"Can you help me study poisons?" you say, mouth moving before you can filter your thoughts into something more suitable. How are you already so comfortable with Kojuro-sama?

"Poisons?" Kojuro-sama's eyebrows raise higher on his forehead, and his chin lifts off his hand.

You wave your hands hurriedly in front of you. "Ah, no, I don't mean to hurt anyone! Just - if people are going to keep doing this, trying to poison him, well..." You trail off, thinking it would sound horribly selfish to say "I don't want to die as his poison taster."

Apparently, no offense is taken, even though Kojuro-sama clearly understands where you were going with that. He smiles, and says, "I believe you. And yes,  if you could learn to detect poisons without having to suffer yourself..."

"I just - I don't think Date-sama should be attacked at home like this," you say, "And if I recognized more poisons, I can do something about that. At least, I hope so..."

It almost sound stupid, when you say it out loud like that. You, the common born daughter of a cook, protect a samurai lord like Date Masamune-sama?

But if your father could protect his family in his way, and if you've been able to protect your brother by taking his place here, then maybe you can also help protect Date-sama in this small way as well.

Kojuro-sama stares at you with interest, as if he's never seen you before. You turn your eyes away, clasping your hands in your lap to resist the urge to fidget under his sharp gaze.

Finally, he looks back to his papers, and says, "I believe we can arrange that. You may go now."

"Of course, Kojuro-sama," you murmur, give him another bow, and you leave the room.

* * *

The next day, an intimidatingly large pile of books and scrolls is delivered to your (private!) room, and you wonder if your request to learn more about poisons to help Date-sama was as unexpected as you thought the previous night. After all, it was Kojuro-sama who had started questioning you on your familiarity with different ingredients, as well as how lucky it was that you smelled the poison that first night. But he had also looked surprised when you asked for help, so was it a test?

As you look over the scrolls, your head spins, and you decide that you don't care whose idea this was. All that matters is that you somehow learn to understand these kanji, because you only recognize about one in five characters, and that's not going to help anyone. You think it would make more sense for you to just make Date-sama's meals for him, but you think Kojuro-sama probably would have asked you to do that if that had been the better solution.

All of these samurai politics and intrigues make your head hurt. You can only imagine how young Date-sama feels about it.

Especially once you confirm with Umeko that young Date-sama is really  _young_  Date-sama - he's only eighteen! So he  _is_  younger than you! Only by a year, but you feel disoriented the first time you see him after talking with Umeko about it.

Maybe your disbelief shows on your face, because Date-sama gives you a concerned look, and then does a poor job of ignoring you the rest of the meal.

(Knowing what you know now, that behavior is almost...  _cute..._ )

For a day and a half, you skim over the scrolls and books, trying to find some point of reference from which to start on your own. (Kojuro-sama seems like such a busy man, and he's helped you so much already, so you  _really_ don't want to bother him with your inadequacies.) However, after you've slipped through at least a bit of each book in your spare time, you give up. You've never done something like this before, and it was probably arrogance to think that you could do this on your own.

It's with reluctance that you bring Kojuro-sama's tea service to him that night in order to address the matter.

"I was wondering when you would come back to ask for help," Kojuro-sama says with a chuckle.

Your mouth drops open, and you shut it quickly. "Ah, you mean... That is to say, you don't mind that I, ah, need help?"

Kojuro-sama raises his eyebrows. "It would be cruel of me to expect you to learn to read on your own, and from medical books at that."

You blush. "I can read! ...A little."

"Well, that's more than I expected from you." Kojuro-sama takes a sip of tea, and then sighs. "I've contacted someone to come and help you with the books, but they won't be here for another few days."

"Well, hoping for the best has worked well so far, so I imagine it'll do for another few days as well," you say, and you  _can't believe_ yourself, why did you  _say_ that??

Kojuro-sama snorts, and almost spills his tea with the sudden motion. "Yes, I suppose it will have to do, won't it."

You take a closer look at Kojuro-sama, and you think the bags under his eyes have gotten worse than they were a few days ago. "Ah, Kojuro-sama... Have you been eating well?"

"Me?" he asks, eyebrows raised in amusement. "Why do you ask?"

"It's just... You, ah, you look very tired, Kojuro-sama," you say after a brief hesitation.

Kojuro-sama gives you a long look, and then says, "Don't worry about that, Yahiko. I'll let you know when your teacher has arrived."

Interpreting that as your dismissal, you bow, murmur goodnight, and head for the door.

* * *

A few days later, you meet your first ninja.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Kampo medicine, Angelica root & white peony root are prescribed (in combination with other herbs) to deal with menstruation.
> 
> Literacy in Japan was very low during the Sengoku era, so I'm going with the idea that MC's father was taught how to read some, and then taught the rest of his family what he knew, but it's not really enough to be able to read Sengoku-era medical textbooks.
> 
> Also, if you're wondering about when MC's gonna get closer to Masamune, I swear it's coming. In another few chapters, once we get into the Hatakeyama stuff.


	5. episode five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You meet a couple ninja. Neither is what you expected. (Also, there's another poisoning attempt on Date-sama, and you'd really like them to stop happening so much.)

Honestly, you kind of expected a ninja to be more mysterious and less... lazy, honestly, but this Fujibayashi Genya doesn't seem interested in doing anything but lying around in the sun and playing cards while you pore over books next to him. He has silvery-blond hair, and brownish red eyes, and a perpetually disinterested look on his face. His kimono looks fine and well-made, with more decorative touches than you'd expect from a hired killer.

At least he doesn't seem to take joy from your suffering, just... is kind of indifferent to it. Like it doesn't affect him at all, so worrying about it would be too much to bother with. And he does answer your questions when you ask him enough times, so you've started to build up a mental dictionary of new kanji already.

It's nowhere near enough, you think, but it's what you can do. It'll have to be enough.

"Haven't you been  _ordered_ to help me by Kojuro-sama?" you mutter on the second afternoon, when you have a headache from squinting at different brushstrokes for too long.

Fujibayashi raises an eyebrow and smiles lazily. " _Kojuro_ -sama _,_ is it? How informal."

Your cheeks burn. The truth is, you called him that before you learned his surname, and he just never corrected you, but how do you explain that? "It's just - ah, well - you see, he's just -"

The ninja snorts. "Calm down, calm down, I don't mean anything by it. I know how Katakura Kojuro can get with the people he likes." With the people he... likes? You think to ask about that, but Fujibayashi's already continuing, "And I don't work for him. I'm Masamune-sama's, first and foremost, so no, I've not been ordered to help you out with this little project of yours."

You give him an unimpressed look, even if it's probably ruined by the flush that refuses to leave your face. "So why  _are_ you here, then, ninja-san?"

Fujibayashi gives you a lazy smile and replies, "I'm here as a favor to my wife."

"Ninja get married?" you ask before you can stop yourself. Sure, ninja always have lovers in the stories you've heard, but with marriage comes the idea of domesticity, and you can't imagine any ninja from the stories you've heard to settle for making breakfast early in the morning for a pregnant wife who's sleeping in a bit longer.

The ninja in front of you laughs, and it's the most engaged you've seen him all afternoon. "Ah, sometimes. Believe me, it was a surprise to me when it happened as well." He smiles, looking off into the distance. "I suppose love usually is."

Hm. You never thought you'd find yourself agreeing on anything with a  _ninja,_ but you suppose anything can happen now.

(You're still grateful when he disappears three days later and you meet his wife, who turns out to be your  _real_ teacher in the art of poisons and antidotes.)

* * *

Mitsuba-sensei, who refused to give up her family name upon marriage because she holds the secrets of her line and wants to pass her name along with the secrets to her children, is kind and patient and rather lovely, despite the scar that runs across her left cheek.

"A, ah, souvenir from a time when I was too slow to duck," Mitsuba-sensei explains without shame when you stare at it too long on your first day learning with her. "The shuriken was poisoned, which led to complications with the healing process."

You blink, not really sure how to respond. On one hand, it's like something out of an adventure tale, and you're curious to hear more about the battles Mitsuba-sensei has fought (alongside her husband, no less!). On the other hand, you don't know how to feel about being so close to a reminder of death and violence. You're no stranger to either - how can you be, with your father dead and you also just recovered from a beating yourself - but the idea of going out into the world prepared to meet violence and respond to it in kind is foreign.

"Have you... have you killed before, Mitsuba-sensei?" you ask her, and wonder if you really want to hear the answer.

Mitsuba-sensei looks down, busying her hands by straightening piles of herbs brought for you to learn. She tilts her head forward, and her short-cropped black hair falls forward to obscure the profile of her face. Finally, she says, "Yes."

"Oh."

"I do not regret it, but..." She pauses, and then sighs and looks at you. her eyes look weary, but she attempts a smile. "There is a reason why I prefer the healing arts out of everything I have learned."

You can understand that, at least.

* * *

Mitsuba-sensei's instruction can't come too soon, because a few days after your lessons begin in earnest, you notice something suspicious in Date-sama's side dish at suppertime. You hesitate over it, chopsticks hovering in the air. There look to be two different kinds of beans in the mixture, and while you recognize one as edamame, you can't name the other.

Like the first night, you waver over it calling attention to it. On one hand, it could be a regional ingredient...

On the other, you've gotten much better at recognizing native Oshu ingredients over the last month, and better safe than sorry, right?

You lean towards Date-sama and quietly say, "Please do not eat this side dish, tono."

He turns to you, a question in his concerned expression.

"I do not recognize all of the ingredients in that dish," you explain. "I do not believe it's safe. The others... I feel fine after tasting them."

Date-sama's shoulders are tense, and yours are as well. You cast a wide-eyed glance at where Kojuro-sama is sitting, hoping he might realize the problem. The other retainers haven't seemed to notice yet, at least, since the buzz of conversation around you hasn't died down yet. When Kojuro-sama meets your eyes, he raises an eyebrow, and you flick your eyes down at the problematic dish. He probably doesn't follow which dish you refer to, but at least he seems to understand that there's a problem with the food, since he stands up and comes over to kneel at Date-sama's side.

"Is there a problem?" Kojuro-sama murmurs, glancing between you and his lord.

Before Date-sama can open his mouth, you say softly, "It's this dish here. I recognize the edamame, but the other kind of bean... I don't even believe it's a bean at all. But the rest of the meal is safe, I believe."

Both samurai glance at you, and Date-sama actually looks surprised and interested for once, and you flush red.

"We can send for another tray," Kojuro-sama offers.

Date-sama thinks for a moment, and then shakes his head. "No... But ask after who prepared my tray. It may have been an accident... And Yahiko?"

"Ah, yes, tono?" you say, a little surprised at being addressed.

"...I'll trust you to find out what the beans are," Date-sama says. "If you are correct... That is twice you would have saved me."

You bow your head, and lean forward to take the dish as stealthily as you can. From the amused smile on Kojuro-sama's face, you probably fail miserably, but you'll get there. Eventually.

* * *

When you leave the hall, you head straight for the room that Mitsuba-sensei shares with her husband when they're in Yonezawa, and you hope that, firstly, your teacher is currently here and, secondly, that her husband is  _not._ Date-sama might trust Fujibayashi Genya with his life, but getting answers from him is like squeezing water from a rock.

And a particularly dry rock, at that.

Thankfully, Mitsuba-sensei is in the room when you announce yourself, although she's packing for a trip.

"The first son of one of Masamune-sama's vassals is sick, so I've been asked to go and give medical attention," she says when you ask.

"Ah, I see," you reply. You hadn't realized that Mitsuba-sensei might be more known for her healing than her other skills as a ninja, but hadn't she told you herself that's what she prefers? You shake your head. "When... When will you return, sensei?"

Mitsuba-sensei smiles. "You really don't have to address me so informally, you know."

You do. It's just comforting to you, the sense of hierarchy. The reminder that you owe her for teaching you things that will make you useful.

"I hope to be back within seven days," Mitsuba-sensei continues. "It's a day and a half to travel there, and Genya and I will be travelling quickly, so we might arrive early. I hope the illness won't be too severe, so I'll be able to diagnose it quickly and prescribe medication within a day or two."

"Your husband is going with you?"

"Oh, he worries when I'm out of his sight, so I take him with me to solve problems."

Funny; you didn't think the lazy ninja you met before would do anything without being ordered to. But then again, he oversaw your progress on learning about poisons for a few days simply on his wife's request, so maybe his usual attitude just doesn't apply to her.

"I see. Well, I hope you travel safe," you say, with a short bow.

Mitsuba-sensei fastens her pack shut, and gives you a brilliant smile. "Thank you, Yahiko-san! But first, did you come to see me about something?"

You blink, and realize you'd almost forgotten the dish of maybe-poison in your hand. "Ah, yes, sensei. Here." You thrust the dish forward. "I can recognize the edamame, but I don't recognize this other kind of bean. I thought that was suspicious, since I thought I knew most of the regional ingredients here..."

Mitsuba-sensei takes the dish from your hand, and pinches one of the offending beans between the thumb and forefinger of her other hand. She squints at it, and says, "This looks like a wisteria seed."

"A wisteria seed?" you repeat, picking one of them out of the dish yourself. "How harmful are they?"

"Hmm, rather," Mitsuba-sensei replies. "Just two of them can seriously harm a child."

And there's quite a lot more than that mixed in with the edamame. You bite your lip; you can't help but imagine what would have happened if you hadn't spotted the seeds and warned Date-sama. "Why do people keep trying to poison him?" you ask plaintively.

You don't really expect an answer because it's more rhetorical than not, but Mitsuba-sensei frowns and actually considers the question. "Well... I suppose it would depend on who is behind it, really. Masamune-sama's retainers... They don't trust him like they trusted Terumune-sama. Distrust can breed resentment, which can lead to rebellion."

You've seen and heard as much yourself, although you admit you're not really sure where the resentment comes from. "Is young Date-sama really much different than his father was?"

Mitsuba-sensei hesitates. "Masamune-sama is... less charismatic than his father, I think. And certainly less experienced, although that's really no fault of his own, since no man of eighteen years can have as much experience leading a clan as a man of forty years."

"The servants seem  _scared_ of him," you say quietly. "They tell stories about how he slaughters every last one of his enemies, even how there is a demon that lives in his right eye and eats children."

"Oh, the demon tale is a new one," Mitsuba-sensei says and shakes her head. "Yoshihime-sama's maids have been busy, it seems."

Which, what?

"Yoshihime-sama?" you ask.

Mitsuba-sensei's eyes widen, and she stills. "Ah, has no one... Well. I thought, since... My mistake, I suppose."

You level an exasperated look at her. "Please, sensei,  _speak clearly._ "

Your teacher looks down. "I would, but... I'm not exactly sure that I'm allowed to tell you these things. I thought you were aware, since Kojuro-sama asked me to teach you about poisons, but if..."

"I understand, Mitsuba-sensei." You nod, jerkily. "You must keep your lords' confidences."

She looks pained, and she opens her mouth to reply, but then a ceiling panel opens up and her husband drops down into the room. Or at least, you think that's what happened - you hadn't realized he was there until he was already standing behind his wife. And ninja travel in the ceilings, right?

"Are you ready to leave?" Fujibayashi Genya asks his wife, although his eyes rest on you.

Mitsuba-sensei nods. "All packed. Yahiko-san was just here with a question."

"Right. The attempted poisoning tonight." Apparently, news travels fast. Or maybe just among Date-sama and his favorite ninja. You smile at him blandly. He quirks an eyebrow, the most expression you've seen out of him yet, and continues, "Well, they're talking about it in Masamune-sama's rooms, so you might as well bring some tea over there so you can tell them what you know, little poison taster."

"...Of course." Is that just a suggestion from the ninja, or a request from Date-sama? Either way, it's a good idea. You bow to both ninja politely in farewell, and then you head to the kitchens to pick up some (non-poisoned) tea.

* * *

When you enter Date-sama's rooms with the tea, a man you've never seen before exclaims, "So there you are! Cousin, when you talked about your new servant, you never said how cute he is!"

You freeze, wide-eyed, staring at the stranger. He looks like young Date-sama, in the way the real Yahiko looks like you, so they're probably related, and he looks a little younger than your lord. (Which, what? Do all samurai start this young? Are they given swords before they're able to walk?) The stranger grins at you, and he's got a nice smile, but you really wish you weren't the apparent butt of the joke here.

Kojuro-sama heaves a sigh - oh, good, you think, someone reasonable is here too - and says, "Pay Shigezane-dono no mind, Yahiko."

You give the stranger - Shigezane-sama? The  _younger_ Date-sama? - another long look, but you set out the tea as requested. When finished, you bow but don't leave right away. Instead, you look to Date-sama. "Ah, tono, I have information on the strange ingredient, if now would be convenient?"

Date-sama nods. "Please sit."

You sink down into seiza, placing your hands neatly on your knees. "The unidentified ingredient in the dish I removed from your tray... It was wisteria seeds, mixed in with the edamame."

Date-sama frowns. "Wisteria seeds?"

"They're quite poisonous, so, ah, even if it was a mistake, it was... Well, a dangerous one," you say hesitantly, glancing over at Kojuro-sama as you do. He's the one Date-sama ordered to look into the people who prepared the meal, so he's the one who should know about that.

Kojuro-sama frowns. "I've questioned the cooks who made the meal this evening, but no one's seen the man who worked on Masamune-sama's meal since the trays went out."

A chill runs down your spine. That sounds like the opposite of good. The three men seem to agree with you, because even Shigezane-sama frowns ferociously.

"Without that cook, we don't know if it's someone else, or if it's  _her_ again," Shigezane-sama says darkly. "Kojuro, isn't there any way to catch up to him and find him?"

"I've sent men out with the cook's description." Kojuro-sama picks up a cup of tea, but doesn't take a sip. His eyes seem distant, and there's a line between his eyebrows just like there are bags under his eyes. You wonder again if he's eating enough, and sleeping enough. It doesn't seem like he is.

"Even if your men don't find him... We all know who was behind his actions." Date-sama's voice is soft, and his visible eye is downcast. He has a cup of tea in his hand but, like Kojuro-sama, he doesn't drink it, just runs a finger around the rim.

He looks terribly young, and you have to squish the urge to reach over and comfort him like you would your brother or mother.

"We don't know for sure that it's her," Kojuro-sama replies evenly, but the corners of his lips are turned down.

Shigezane-sama scoffs. "Like she hasn't tried at least once a month to kill Masamune for the past year?"

You look down, tangling your fingers in your lap to keep from fidgeting. You're really not sure you should be hearing this, but you haven't been dismissed yet, so maybe it's okay? Kojuro-sama, at least, you trust to dismiss you before you hear something that you shouldn't.

Besides, didn't Mitsuba-sensei mention a woman earlier as well? Yoshi... Yoshihime-sama, wasn't it?

It's funny how you were on the verge of grabbing your teachers shoulders and shaking secrets out of here, and yet now you're worried about being handed secrets like you deserve to hear them. You've always been curious, but if poison is being thrown around, maybe ignorance is better...?

You give yourself a mental shake. No. You can't think like that, not when you've sworn to protect Date-sama.

You look up, and you flush when you find Date-sama looking at you. His stare isn't heavy, more curious than anything else, but you hadn't realized he was watching you while you were arguing with yourself. You hope he doesn't find out what you were considering. Even if you're sure he's a gentler man than he appeared when you first met him, he doesn't deserve to find out how flimsy your loyalty is.

"Hey, Yahiko-kun, do you even know who we're talking about?" Shigezane-sama says, and you jerk your attention back to the conversation.

"Ah..." you say, wondering what the correct answer is. "If Date-sama and Kojuro-sama think I should know, I'm sure they will tell me..."

Shigezane-sama frowns. "You haven't asked yet? Don't you want to know?"

Your eyes dart between the three samurai, biting your lip under the pressure of Shigezane-sama's questions. "I, ah..."

"It's my mother," Date-sama says suddenly.

Your mouth drops open, and your eyes settle on him. "Pardon me, tono, but what is...?"

"The person who keeps trying to kill me." Date-sama's face is blank, and there's no expression in his voice as he speaks. "It's my mother. Yoshihime-sama."

And the pieces start to fall together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Protag-chan's real teacher is the Song of Shadows MC! Mainly because I know next to nothing about Genya, and also figured that what I _have_ seen of him wouldn't make a very good teacher to someone who can only kind of sort of read. Also, I wanted to have her in here kind of as a counterpart to Protag-chan, as a woman who has learned to fight and kill but also doesn't like killing.
> 
> And enter Shigezane as well! What a darling. As for why Kojuro calls him "Shigezane-dono" - that was (according to my research) what honorific equals would use to address each other. And Kojuro is more formal than Shigezane, who barely uses honorifics at all.
> 
> Finally: DUN DUN DUUUUUN. YOSHIHIME IS INTRODUCED (BY NAME).


	6. episode six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wisteria seed investigation is wrapped up, and a Hunt Begins.

You think you understand Yoshihime-sama's actions even  _less_ once they're explained to you. How can a mother try to kill her own son? And so many times, at that?  _At least once a year since his younger brother was born,_ Kojuro-sama had told you,  _and more frequently within the past year._ Obviously, since young Date-sama had taken up his father's responsibilities as daimyo. And you suppose that Yoshihime-sama would prefer her second son be in charge? You don't know how she can prefer one child over another.

And in any case, how  _dare_ she? And it's even worse that she's clever enough that all Date-sama has against her are rumors - and he is not one to go against a parent without due cause.

As if the attempts against his life so far aren't cause enough!

You'd be surprised at how angry you are on Date-sama's behalf, but you've always been one to leap to the defense of others.

Date-sama dismisses you with the dirty tea set before he's done discussing important matters with Kojuro-sama and Shigezane-sama, but they've given you enough things to turn over and over in your head while Mitsuba-sensei is gone, and probably after she returns as well. If you didn't know how to reconcile Mitsuba-sensei's gentleness with the fact that she's killed before, you also cannot reconcile the fact that Yoshihime-sama is Date-sama's mother and has still been trying to kill him for years now.

Maybe if you meet Yoshihime-sama, you'll understand her better, but until then, you just have to wrestle with how much disgust and pity you feel for the woman who can't even be bothered to cherish her blood.

* * *

Dark thoughts follow you for a day or two, and then work catches up and you have to put aside difficult questions for simple ones, like which vegetable to pair with the fish for supper. Now that you've been at Yonezawa longer and Umeko's spread word of your competence in the kitchen, you've picked up as many cooking duties as you can handle without falling down from exhaustion. It also makes things a bit simpler for you, because you start to take over all the duties surrounding the preparation of Date-sama's trays, so your official tasting duties in the hall become more of a performance and less cause for heart-pounding anxiety. The other cooks are happy to hand the duty over to you, since whispers circle about what happened to the last cook who took on that task alone.

He was lured out to the south side of the castle and devoured by the demon living in Date-sama's right eye socket, one maid whispers.

He fled Yonezawa in shame after Date-sama told him that his cooking was sub-par, another says.

He was secretly a spy for a rebellion and left after finding out crucial information, yet another insists.

You could correct them all, and say that he most likely tried to deliberately poison their lord and deserves whatever fate awaits him when Kojuro-sama's men find him, but you weren't told that you could spread the story, so you keep your mouth shut.

Honestly, knowing samurai personally just seems to mean keeping your mouth shut a lot. Or maybe that's just what it takes to be trusted by Date-sama and Kojuro-sama, who seem surrounded by more enemies than allies sometimes.

At least Shigezane-sama is clearly their loyal friend, and is sticking around the castle for a while. "Playing hooky," he tells you with a charmingly roguish grin when you bring him tea one day. "Masamune needs some cheering up most of the time, and Kojuro's too much of a worry-wort to do it. So that means me! And my castle's taken care of, I've got a good castellan. He runs things almost better than I could!"

"If he can handle you, I'm sure he does a fine job with everyone else in your castle," you say, and you smile sweetly so the samurai doesn't realize exactly what you've said until after you're already out the door. His yell of mock outrage follows you down the hall, and you cover your mouth to stifle a giggle.

You're still grinning when you turn a corner and walk straight into someone carrying a pile of scrolls. The scrolls go everywhere, because of course they do, and you almost go with them, except the person you ran into catches your elbow and keeps you on your feet.

"Oh, your scrolls, I'm so sor-" you start to say before you look up and realize you're look straight at Date-sama's face.

His eye is wide open, and you're surprised at how lovely the color is. It's a green like tree leaves in first spring, heavy with water and new life. His forehead is unlined, and you're reminded of how  _young_ Date-sama is. It's difficult to look away, and your mouth slowly drifts shut, the last words of your apology dying in your throat. You really should finish that apology, but you're having a bit of trouble getting your mind to work around the sudden realization that Date-sama is exactly the kind of pretty man you liked to watch on the streets of Kyoto.

It takes Date-same blinking and stepping back for you to snap back to yourself, like the removal of his hand from your elbow also clears away your  _terribly inopportune_ thoughts.

You clear your throat, shake your head, and try not to blush. "I, ah, sorry about that, tono." You glance down at the scrolls, still littering the floor of the hallway. "Ah! Here, I'll get your scrolls." You scramble around to pick them up, but when you reach for the last one, you find Date-sama's already picking it up.

The both of you straighten together; him, holding that one scroll, and you with all the others gathered in your arms. You stare at each other a moment longer, and then you remember that he  _needs_ the scrolls that you carry, so you bow hastily and hold the pile out for him to take.

"...Thank you, Yahiko," Date-sama says as he reclaims the scrolls.

"Of course, tono!" you say, and smile at him. You give him another bow and then start walking off, because it's not like either of you have anything else to say to each other right now, right? But then Date-sama calls after you, so you turn around, waiting for him to say what he wants to say. Maybe they've found the cook who tried to poison him with the wisteria seeds? You can't think of any other reason he'd have to talk with you.

Date-sama stands there silently for a long moment, just looking at you, and then he finally says, "...Before I ran into you, you were smiling about something."

You nod, wondering where this is going.

Silence stretches for a moment, just the two of you staring at each other again. Then Date-sama shifts his gaze to the side, his visible eyebrow drawing up, his cheeks flushing pink just a bit. "...What were you smiling about?"

You can't stop your eyebrows from raising, but this is undoubtedly the most emotion you've seen from Date-sama so far that isn't, you know, repressed anger and worry about the poisoning attempts. "I, ah, I was teasing Shigezane-sama when I brought him his tea," you say, and an amused smile creeps back on your face. This time, it's not about Shigezane-sama, but instead about his cousin.

Incredible.

Date-sama nods once and, still not looking back you you, turns and walks quickly in the direction of his cousin's room. With how tall he is, he's turned the corner and vanished from your sight long before you can banish the image of his blush from your mind.

* * *

Mitsuba-sensei returns a day after your little run-in with Date-sama in the hallway, and you tell her about how you've taken to preparing Date-sama's meals for convenience's sake.

"Oh?" she asks, resting her chin in the palm of her hand. "Have you gotten that tired of my lessons, that you've found a new way to prevent poisonings?"

You sigh wearily, and rest your head on the table in front of you. "I wish it was that simple, sensei, I really do. But I don't think me preparing his meals will save Date-sama forever. I wish it would, but if Yoshihime-sama's been trying to kill him this long -" You break off, your voice quivering in rage. You take a deep breath to calm yourself down, and then you finish, "I don't think she'll stop just because he has someone trustworthy cooking for him. And if someone slips something into his food while I'm not looking - I need to be able to catch it."

Mitsuba-sensei is so quiet that you look up to see if she's paying attention. She's looking at you with this strange look on her face, but it changes almost immediately to the smile you're more familiar with. "Well, I can help you with that. What poisons have distinguishable scents?"

And so the lessons continue.

* * *

Kojuro-sama's men find the ex-cook five days later. His throat was cut, and his body dumped in a ditch on a the side of a small, rarely-used road out of Yonezawa. It's only luck that they were able to identify him, because wild dogs had started to eat at the body by the time Kojuro-sama's men came upon it.

You nod when Kojuro-sama tells you this, and you excuse yourself quickly.

You stand in the corridor for a long while, hand over your mouth, trying to keep from throwing up as you think of the man's fate.

* * *

With the wisteria seed investigation (as you call it in your head) well and truly finished now that the fate of the attempted poisoner is known, you think that you'll be able to settle back into your routine and find some peace of mind.

(Sometimes, you wake in the middle of the night, sweating despite the early winter chill, and you can't say of what you dreamed of, except you can't help by wonder if your father's throat was cut and his body left for wild dogs to eat.)

However, it seems like the only way you'll get peace of mind is from overwork, since plans for a large winter hunt are being made. The hunt serves a duel purpose: it entertains the retainers when there's peace, and it lets the samurai scout out territories and practice formations. This one in particular might serve a third purpose as well, since it's being held concurrently with the surrender of the Hatakeyama, which will be accepted by Terumune-sama while the young Date-sama leads the hunt. You can't say which is the more prestigious position, but you've heard some retainers whisper about how cruel it is for their lord to make his father work while he plays while others talk about how it's only fitting for Terumune-sama accepts their enemies' surrender, because he was clearly the one who did most of the work, while Date-sama only caused strife and discord.

It's by eavesdropping on these conversations that you learn  _why_  the Date were at war with the Hatakeyama at all. Apparently, a Date retainer defected to the Ashina clan, and Date-sama - only seventeen at the time! - declared war on him and the Ashina for this betrayal. Date-sama led his army on a hunt for the betrayer, even marching through the lands of clans with whom the Date had amicable alliances with.

No wonder the retainers wonder if they can trust the young Date-sama, if that's how impulsive and ruthless he is.

And then again... You can't believe that a lifetime of having your own  _mother_ try to kill you can make one especially trusting or forgiving.

You can't imagine how you would be if one of your parents hated you that much. It was hard enough growing up with your father sometimes away on the battlefield, not knowing when (or if) he would return.

In the end, it's all so far outside your realm of expertise that you decide that you couldn't possibly know the right answer to it all, so it's not really worth worrying about. You've decided to protect Date-sama with your life, and so you shall.

* * *

The day of the hunt dawns bright and early, with only a few clouds in the sky, and you think that it will be good weather for both the hunt and the surrender of the Hatakeyama. The servants rush around preparing the food to take on the hunt - of course there will be meals out on the field, because what kind of samurai would be expected to attend a hunt without getting fed, apparently - and there's a sense of eager anticipation and excitement about the retainers who are going along on it.

You, of course, are attending the hunt in your capacity as both a cook and Date-sama's poison taster, so you expect to spend the day standing (or maybe even sitting!) in the food pavilion, ready to bring your lord food whenever he feels hungry. It will be nice, you think, to get out of the castle and have a nice, sunny day to chat with your fellow servants and enjoy yourselves while the samurai do their thing. You know some of the other servants are looking forward to it. If their lords don't travel, they don't exactly have the chance to get out of the castle on their own.

Apparently, no one told Shigezane-sama about your plans for the hunt, because as soon as he sees you, he angles over to you, throws his arm around your shoulders, and draws you away from the group of servants you were standing with.

"If it isn't Yahiko!" Shigezane-sama exclaims. "How are you? Keeping up with my cousin and Kojuro, are you?"

"Ah," you say, really not sure how to respond to that.

Thankfully, you don't really need to, because Shigezane-sama drags you over to where Date-sama and Kojuro-sama stand together, and he calls out to greet them without waiting for your reply.

Kojuro-sama takes one look at Shigezane-sama's arm around your shoulders, and the uncomfortable look on your face, and heaves a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Shigezane-dono... You you try, for one moment, to act as your rank demands? Instead of dragging servants all over the place without a by-your-leave?"

Shigezane-sama laughs. "C'mon, Kojuro, don't be such a stick in the mud! Yahiko will enjoy the hunt much more with us than stuck at the food table. Won't you?"

You blink when he addresses the question to you, and you pause, wondering if he actually wants an answer this time. He must, because he continues looking at you as if he's really curious about what you think. "Uh," you say finally, "I don't really know, Shigezane-sama. I've never attended a hunt before."

Shigezane-sama grins, and looks back at his cousin and friend, as if this said everything. "See? He's never been on a hunt before, we cannot  _possibly_ make him stay with the other servants!"

Date-sama just raises an eyebrow and turns away. Shigezane-sama must take this as a cue to follow him, since he disengages from you and instead throws an arm around his cousin's shoulders, drawing him close without losing his grin.

Kojuro-sama, however, looks at you with barely-veiled concern. "Are you sure about this, Yahiko? I can distract Shigezane-dono and let you return to your friends."

You give him a smile. "Please don't concern yourself, Kojuro-sama. I'll be fine. Besides, what does it matter if I stay by Date-sama's side and go to fetch refreshments, rather than stay with the refreshments and only bring them when called?" Your smile gets a bit more genuine. "It's likely more efficient this way, in any case."

Kojuro-sama shakes his head, but doesn't hide the small smile spreading across his face. "There  _will_ be violence, Yahiko."

"Thank you for your concern, Kojuro-sama, but I'm aware of that," you say evenly. You won't enjoy the actual hunting, but at least you know that the animals won't have died for nothing but sport - you and the other cooks have been making plans for the meat for the past three days. Fish is delicious, but it can be expensive to transport in from the sea, and it's always good to change routines up a bit.

"Still, we will keep you away from the main action," Kojuro-sama says, turning to walk after Date-sama and Shigezane-sama.

You fall into step just behind him, as is proper. "Since I have no experience with bow or with gun, that sounds very wise, Kojuro-sama," you say, letting a little dry humor creep into your voice.

A snort from ahead tells you that your joke doesn't go unappreciated.

* * *

The hunt proceeds as hunts usually do, although you really only have Shigezane-sama's word to go upon for this. Kojuro-sama sometimes comments on the presence or absence of a certain animal, but Date-sama remains quiet. At least you see him smile a few times, and he even thanks you when you bring him some refreshments without having to be asked.

(It's just common sense. If you feel hot and tired and hungry standing around watching the men hunt, you're sure that your lord feels the same way and more, because he's actually  _doing things_.)

So the hunt goes on, and the retainers seem happier with their lord than usual, if only because he's sponsoring their day of relaxation. You hear a pair of retainers start to talk negatively about him near the refreshments table, and you can't help but passive aggressively interrupt their conversation with an "Oh, please pardon me, samurai-sama, I just need to fetch some snacks for  _our_ lord, to keep up his strength in the hunt."

The satisfaction at their awkward silence keeps you smiling until you return to your lord's side.

However, when you get there, he's talking to an out-of-breath messenger with a panicked face. Date-sama's shoulders are tense, his face smooth and devoid of emotion, and you know something has gone utterly wrong.

You softly approach Shigezane-sama's side and whisper, "What's happened?"

There's no trace of humor on the normally-smiling man's face as he turns to you and says, "Terumune-sama has been captured by the Hatakeyama."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUUUUUUN.
> 
> What was _that_ , some cute moments with Masamune alone???
> 
> As for Yoshihime's Poison Plots, I figure that Masamune and Kojuro and Shigezane _suspect_ her, but they might not actually have hard evidence against her, and one doesn't kill their parents without that hard evidence. (Just look at what happened to her agent in this chapter - does what he's asked to do, and hightails it outta there, and still gets dumped in a ditch so he can't squeal when ti turns out Masamune survived the attempt.)


	7. episode seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Battle of Abukuma River happens. And, no matter what Masamune might think, life goes on after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been sitting on this finished chapter for like five days for several reasons: a) I was having a hard time figuring out parts of the next chapter and the chapter after (and I really like working ahead of where I post), and b) I have a Something Special planned for next chapter and I've been working out how I wanted to do that :D
> 
> Well, without further ado, episode seven, which is a bit of a Doozy.

You've never ridden a horse before, but that doesn't matter much when you're riding with someone as skilled as Kojuro-sama. Of course, you have to make sure to hold on tightly so that you're not thrown off, but the horse under you isn't racing half as fast as the dark thoughts in your head.

Terumune-sama, captured by the clan he'd been meeting for peace talks? You've never met the man - of course, since he's never visited Yonezawa while you've been there - but the look of horror on Date-sama's face when he heard the news jarred you to the bones.

It's the same look that you've seen before, on your brother and mother's faces when they heard the news about your father.

You're sure it was on your face as well when you heard.

And no matter what Date-sama's done in the past year, no matter how many battles he's fought and men he's killed, you don't want to see the look on his face when he learns of his father's death instead of just his capture.

Date-sama, Kojuro-sama, you, and a few guards ride quickly to catch up with the fleeing Hatakeyama warriors, while Shigezane-sama rides to gather the Date army. You thought to return to the main camp and return to Yonezawa with the rest of the servants, but Kojuro-sama refused to hear of it, since they couldn't spare the men to escort you back, and he doesn't trust you to return safely on your own.

Or something. Honestly, you've only been in a fight  _once_ in all your time here, and it's not like you want to get in more...

Your party of riders reaches the Date army and the river where the Hatakeyama are camped at about the same time. The Hatakeyama are across on the other banks; you're not quite sure how the Date soldiers will fight them, but you're sure Date-sama and Kojuro-sama will think of something. Maybe even Shigezane-sama as well; they can't have given him a castle for nothing, right?

You really hope so.

There's absolutely nothing for you to do in preparation for the attack, and everyone seems incredibly busy since you have to defeat the Hatakeyama before they can send for reinforcements, so you sit yourself down in one corner of Date-sama's quickly-erected tent and you try not to get in anyone's way. At one point, halfway through what looks to be an important strategy meeting, you slip out, find some water, and return with refreshments. It's really not much - you weren't even able to find snacks - but Kojuro-sama at least spares you a smile when you set his cup down.

After that, you focus on monitoring the refreshments situation, and refilling drinks when you can. It's about the only thing you're really capable of doing here, unless someone needs advice on poisons.

And that... is really not something you want to consider.

You should really ask Mitsuba-sensei for lessons in medicine as well as poisons, once you rescue Terumune-sama and return home.

* * *

 

You return home.

You do not bring Terumune-sama.

Just his dead body.

 

* * *

Umeko cries on your shoulder when you tell her the news of the battle near Abukuma River. "How could he?" she sobs. "Terumune-sama is - was so kind! And Date-sama ordered everyone to kill him?"

You hug her close and pat her back, eyes dry. You didn't know the man. "He... He risked his father to defeat the enemy. And we won. The Hatakeyama were defeated." Your words seem hollow, even if they're true.

"But Terumune-sama is dead!" Umeko clutches at your kimono. "How could he kill his own father?"

"I don't think he wanted to."

When Umeko is done crying, she pulls back, eyes red and face splotchy and wet. She scrubs at her wet cheeks with the sleeves of her kimono. "I, I'm sorry, Yahiko-kun. It's just... I brought Terumune-sama his food when he was the daimyo, from the time I started working here. And even when he visited after young Date-sama took over... He's a kind man, Terumune-sama. Or  _was_..."

"At least there will be a funeral," you say. "When my father died in battle, they gave him a field burial and we didn't get anything of him but the news of his death."

Umeko looks up, eyes wide with surprise and guilt. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know..."

You shake your head, but don't feel capable of making a smile right now. "You didn't know. I never told you."

"Still..." Umeko wraps her arms around your neck and leans her head against yours. You bring a hand up to hold one of her arms, just enjoying the simple comfort of your friend.

Later, after both of you probably should have been at work in the kitchen, Umeko sighs and unwinds herself from around you. She casts here eyes down as you both get up, and then she pauses at the door. "Ah, Yahiko-kun..."

"Yes, Umeko?"

"...You probably shouldn't let too many people hug you this closely," she says, blushing a little under the splotchiness left from crying so hard.

You peer at her in confusion. "Why do you say that?"

Umeko hesitates, and you're starting to wonder if she'll reply at all when she finally blurts out quickly, " _Because I could feel your breasts under the wrappings so you should watch out for that_." And then your friend leaves so quickly you winder if she's descended from a ninja.

Well, that's just one more thing to worry about sometime in the future, you suppose.

* * *

Date-sama does not show up for meals in the main hall. The first few times, you still bring his trays there first before you go off to his rooms. After the third day of this, you stop bringing the trays to the main hall and just head straight for his rooms. It's better than hearing the whispers of the retainers about their cold, cruel lord.

Date-sama does not acknowledge you when you call your presence, so you have to leave trays outside his rooms. You don't want to do it the first time, or any of the times after, because you're still terribly wary about some random maid or retainer slipping something in the meal after you leave it.

It doesn't seem to matter either way, because above all, Date-sama  _does not eat_.

At first, you sigh and shake your head and assume that he's making his own food like he did before you came to be a reliable poison taster. However, when you mention this to Kojuro-sama on the fourth night, he frowns.

"I haven't seen Masamune-sama outside of his rooms for the past four days," Kojuro-sama says. His eyebrows are drawn together in concern, the corners of his mouth drawn down.

You bite your lip. "You mean to say... He likely hasn't eaten at all over the past four days?" Since we returned with his father's body, you don't say.

Kojuro-sama nods slowly, resting his chin on his fist. He stares past you, deep in thought.

Not wanting to disturb him, you quietly bow and excuse yourself.

* * *

When you meet next with Mitsuba-sensei, you ask her about learning medicine as well as poisons. You were helpless during the battle near Abukuma River with the Hatakeyama, and you don't want to feel that way again.

"Of course I'll teach you, if you want to learn, but why not learn to fight as well?" she asks.

You look down, clenching and unclenching your hands on your knees. You've taken to carrying around the small bag containing your father's broken hairpin like it's a charm, and the weight of it rests against your left forearm. "I -" you start to say, then break off to clear your throat. "I want to help people. Not kill them."

Mitsuba-sensei's hands still where they're sorting through herbs. You realize that she's killed people, and you feel horrible for phrasing it like that.

"I just, ah. I cannot imagine. Killing someone." Your explanation feels inadequate and silly, but it's all you can think to say.

"You might not be given a choice," Mitsuba-sensei says lightly. With the way her head is tipped forwards, her hair hides her face from you. Even so, something tells you that light tone of voice is a lie, or at least not fully the truth.

You look down at your clenched hands. "I'm - scared," you admit, realizing the truth of the words as you say them. "I don't want to die. I don't want my lords to die. I don't want my family to die. I don't want you to die. And... I'm not sure I could handle it, knowing that I was the reason that some other person was ripped away from their family and friends."

Mitsuba-sensei is silent for a long moment, and her head dips a little farther forward. "I understand that. But will your enemies give you the same consideration?"

"I don't have any enemies," you say dumbly. Except maybe the cruel magistrate, but you're a two weeks' journey away from him now.

"Ah, but your lord has enemies, doesn't he?" Mitsuba-sensei asks, and turns her face towards you again. She's smiling, but it seems laced with bitterness. "And as long as you choose to protect your lord, his enemies become your own."

You bite your lip.

"Are you really prepared to take Masamune-sama's enemies as your own?" Mitsuba-sensei asks, a little gentler this time.

You look down, wringing your fingers together. "Well... Even if I'm not, I've said I would already, right? I'm learning poisons to protect him." You look back up, and meet your teacher's gaze firmly. "I will not go back on my promise."

"Not even when you know Masamune-sama would order even his father's death in order to defeat his enemies?" Mitsuba-sensei asks.

You flinch. You fingernails dig into your palms. "Not even now. Kojuro-sama... I trust his judgement, and he trusts Date-sama."

Mitsuba-sensei nods and hums, and then returns to the lesson.

* * *

You leave trays outside Date-sama's rooms each morning, midday, and night.

Each day, you recover the trays untouched.

It's almost funny, you think. When you came to Yonezawa, you thought your life would revolve around tasting your lord's food for poisons before he ate it. Now, it looks to be a miracle just to get him to  _eat anything_  at all.

* * *

When a week has passed, you go to Kojuro-sama. You've been bringing him tea in the evening each day anyways, but he always seems so busy with his worries that you can barely bring yourself to bother him.

However this thing with Date-sama not eating? It has gone on long enough.

"Very respectfully, Kojuro-sama, I worry for Date-sama's health if this continues," you say, very politely, you think. "He must eat, especially after such a traumatic event."

"What if he's fasting to mourn for his father?" Kojuro-sama asks, not looking up from whatever he's writing. He looks tired. The bags under his eyes might have gotten larger since the night before, if that's possible.

You bit the inside of your cheek to hold back your immediate annoyance. When you're sure you can speak politely again, you say, "If so, I believe Date-sama would have informed you of that fact, Kojuro-sama. And he has not, has he?"

Kojuro-sama puts his pen down and looks up finally. He rests his elbow on his desk and leans his chin against his closed fist, just looking at you. You meet his gaze evenly. This is not something you will back down on.

Finally, he says, "And what do you want me to do about this? I've tried talking with him. You leave the trays outside his rooms, do you not?"

"Well, obviously leaving the trays and just talking to him about it are both  _not working_ ," you say snappishly, and then reign yourself in. "Possibly it would help if Shigezane-sama and yourself were there one night as I brought a meal?"

"You mean to ambush him?" Kojuro-sama asks, eyebrows raising. "And enlist us to make him eat in person?"

You nod. "From what I've seen... You and Shigezane-sama are the only people that Date-sama might listen to on the subject. And if you're there, you might allow me entry with the food whereas Date-sama will not."

"Well," Kojuro-sama said with a sigh, "It might work."

* * *

Shigezane-sama is easy to find, and even easier to convince. "You mean Masamune hasn't been eating? Yeah, no, that's not good. Of course I'll help you get him to eat! I'll shove the food in his mouth myself, if you want!"

You give him a slight bow to hide the smile on your face. "Thank you, Shigezane-sama, but I don't think that will be necessary."

Asking Umeko for Date-sama's favorite foods goes less well.

"He doesn't have any," she says, face turned down as she cuts vegetables in even, practiced chunks. You can still see the frown on her face.

She really did care for Terumune-sama, you guess. You sigh. "Everyone has favorite foods. Or at least, he must have some foods that he dislikes?"

Umeko shrugs. "He's never shown any preference so far in front of any of the maids. Has he never said anything to you?"

You bite your lip and think about it. Has Date-sama ever commented on food to you? No, you don't think. He eats, or doesn't eat, everything about the same. And he's so blank-faced in public that it's hard to tell what he thinks of the food just by looking at him.

"Well," you say, "then he won't get to complain when I give him something he doesn't like tonight."

Umeko huffs a laugh. "I can't believe you're doing all this for him."

You give her a reproachful look. "Umeko. Date-sama is our  _lord_. I know you don't agree with his decisions, but think about this - if he dies from starving himself, who will take over to protect us then?" It's not the only reason why you're doing this, but you don't think Umeko will understand the complex sympathy you have for Date-sama as someone else whose father died in battle.

That stills Umeko's hands for a moment. "I suppose you're correct about that. And Date-sama... He's proven himself very capable of protecting us, hasn't he."

"He really has," you say, trying to encourage the goodwill.

Umeko looks up. "Would you... perhaps like some help preparing his dinner?"

You grin at her. "I'd love some. Now, what we're going to do is prepare one of my father's recipes, called the Absolute Victory Bowl. It's meant to be eaten before battle, but I figure it's fine to eat it after one as well..."

* * *

The food is made, the tray is decorated... All that's left is to deliver it now. You say a quick prayer, to ask for success and luck in getting Date-sama to see reason finally.

(And also, a quiet but rather large part of you adds, that he enjoys the food you have made for him.)

You make the same journey that you've made for the last week, and you pause outside Date-sama's door. Instead of immediately announcing yourself, you listen for voices - this will only work if Kojuro-sama and Shigezane-sama are already there. You hear conversation between male voices inside, even if you can't hear what they're saying, so you figure that your co-conspirators are in place.

"Date-sama? It's Yahiko, with your meal."

A pause in the conversation inside, then Shigezane-sama's voice raises. "Oh, come  _on,_ Masamune! Yahiko, go ahead and come in."

Without waiting for Date-sama to refute the invitation, you slide the door open and enter with the tray of food.

Date-sama looks  _awful._ His face is pale and gaunt, his eyes are red, and the bags under his eyes are worse than Kojuro-sama's, which says something. He's huddled under a blanket on his futon in only his sleep clothes, and you'd normally blush at seeing a man so undressed, but you have a  _mission_ tocomplete here.

"Hello, Date-sama," you say, attempting a smile. "I've brought your dinner, so please eat it!" He scowls at you, and you hands shake a bit before you harden your resolve. You've seen scarier things than your lord's scowl, you tell yourself, and even in the last week and a half. You place the tray down with a louder thump than usual, and you start arranging the dishes for eating. "I've made you something special, so please enjoy it!"

"Take it away."

It takes a moment to realize it's Date-sama who just spoke, even though you're kneeling right in front of him. His voice is hoarse like it hasn't been used in a while, and rough like he's been screaming or maybe just sobbing.

You bite your lip and look down at your hands. To disobey is to disobey your lord samurai, but to follow his order is something you can't bring yourself to do, not when it will help him hurt himself more. Not when you've sworn to  _protect_ him as much as you can.

"I will not," you say quietly. You look up again, meeting Date-sama's glare. "Not until you eat."

"No." Date-sama's glare gets harder. "You will obey me, Yahiko."

"C'mon, Masamune, look at how delicious it looks!" Shigezane-sama says. He reaches out to grab the chopsticks to take a bite. "See! It's great. Yahiko must have spent a lot of energy on this! You don't want that to go to waste, do y-"

" _Be quiet,_ " Date-sama hisses. "Remember who is the daimyo here."

Shigezane-sama winces and sits back.

Kojuro-sama sighs and folds his arms across his chest. "Tono, you need to keep up your health if we're to repay the Hatakeyama for their dishonesty. Please eat."

Date-sama turns to glare at him now. "I don't  _want to eat!_ " Then he leans forward and sweeps all of the dishes off the tray you brought. Rice and sauce go flying to splash against the tatami mats, and the ceramic dishes clink against each other as they roll across the floor.

Silence stretches between the four of you. You've turned to look at the mess of your father's recipe on the floor, but you can hear heaving breaths - probably Date-sama, who's the only one who's raised his voice so far.

So far.

"Date-sama," you say, your voice wavering even as you struggle to keep it even. "How on earth could you  _be so childish?!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE WE GO. That cliffhanger is also one of the reasons why I've been sitting on this chapter so long, but I think all y'all can handle a little emotional cliffhanger. I'm leaving for a week long jaunt out of state, but I plan to continue writing (and preparing the Special Thing for next chapter) during it, so you might either get an update during the week or a couple updates in the week after I return. Woo!


	8. intrigue: childish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Samurai get yelled at. You don't actually die because of it, which should be less surprising than it feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am BACK from my trip, and I HAVE THE SURPRISE FOR ALL Y'ALL. Honestly, it was the most annoying thing, waiting to post this chapter until the surprise was ready XD
> 
> I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT.

Your words seem to ring in the silence that stretches after them, even though you know there's nothing here for them to echo off of. You're breathing just as heavily as Date-sama, and you clench your fists on your knees to keep them in place.

Slapping a samurai - even a stupid, ungrateful  _child_ of a samurai - would be stupid, since he also happens to be your lord.

You turn back to Date-sama from the mess off food on the mats. His one uncovered eye is wide, staring at you in surprise. Kojuro-sama and Shigezane-sama are staring at you in surprise as well, you note in the back of your mind.

Well, good! About time these samurai get something told to them!

(If you live through this, you'll burn some incense to your father for the courage to do this.)

"Childish?" Date-sama asks, like he's never heard to word before or doesn't understand it.

"Yes." You nod decisively. " _Childish_. Screaming that you don't want to eat, throwing food across the room like a boy one-third your age." Or younger. Your brother never refused food, even at his most rebellious!

Date-sama rises to his feet, looming over you. He staggers a bit, but refuses the support that Kojuro-sama tries to give him. (Ungrateful! As if independence will make him stronger!) "You think this is - that my actions are - are  _childish?!_ "

More so with each sentence that comes out of your mouth, you decide not to say. You get to your feet ungracefully, just so your lord can't loom over you  _quite_ so much. "Yes. If you were fasting to honor your father, you should have  _told me_ so that I wouldn't waste food preparing it for you. And now? A week is up. No one could ask you to fast any longer. So  _eat_ , okay? You need to."

Date-sama jerks back, almost overbalancing, when you talk about wasting food, and he looks almost guilty. Then the angry glare comes back. "No one could ask me to fast longer, you say? My father is dead!"

" _So is mine!_ " you yell.

Date-sama rears back in surprise and sits down with a thump. He blinks up at you, eye wide. Out of the corners of your eyes, you see Kojuro-sama and Shigezane-sama still staring at you as if they're never seen you before.

They've never seen you this angry, you don't think.

And you  _are_ angry.

You made your father's prize recipe with Umeko, in order to get Date-sama to eat, and he threw it all across the floor.

You're so angry that you're quivering, hands fisted at your sides. Your fingernails dig into your palms, little crescents of pain.

"My father is dead as well," you say, voice quivering with emotions. "And that was his prize recipe - the one he was known for, in the capital - that you just threw across the floor. I made it for you because I thought I knew a little about how you must feel now, to have lost your father in such a way. I thought it might - it might help you feel better. But instead - !" You break off, biting your lip to stop your tears. You've always been an angry crier. You take a breath. "Instead! You threw it on the floor  _like a child!"_

All three men stare at you, like they've never seen you before.

Your cheeks are wet with the tears you can't seem to hold back. You swipe at them with the sleeve of your kimono, sniffing angrily.

"Now,  _Masamune_ -sama, if you don't require any food tonight, I will take my leave," you say stiffly. You're being incredibly rude, calling your lord by his first name, but this entire outburst has been rude, right? What's another overstep?

Masamune-sama opens his mouth, but doesn't say anything, and neither do Kojuro-sama or Shigezane-sama.

You give a sharp nod, a polite bow, and march out of the room.

* * *

When you see Umeko in the halls a few moments later, you beg her to go in and clean up the food, because you don't think you can go back in there tonight.

(Maybe not ever, depending on how Masamune-sama reacts to all that.)

Because she's the best friend you could ask for in a place like this, she agrees, no questions asked, and lets you stumble off to collapse in your room by yourself.

* * *

Masamune-sama isn't in the hall at breakfast the next morning, and you wilt when you walk in to see this. You realize you did go a bit (a lot) off the rails last night, but you had hoped that Kojuro-sama and Shigezane-sama might still talk sense into Masamune-sama where you failed.

Especially since you hadn't been woken up during the night by guards dragging you off to be imprisoned or killed for yelling at the daimyo.

But now...

You don't really want to make the trip to Masamune-sama's rooms with breakfast today. Or rather, you  _really don't_ want to make the trip. You can't shake the thought that you'll be ambushed by the guards once you set foot outside his door with the tray, and they're all only letting you  _hope_ that you've gotten away with your poor behavior.

But you've sworn to protect Masamune-sama, even when he's acting like a child, so you muster your courage, clench your hands on the tray until they don't shake anymore, and begin the path from the main hall to Masamune-sama's chambers.

You see Kojuro-sama coming the opposite way when you're almost there, and you freeze, shoulders tight with fear that Kojuro-sama might be your ambush instead of guards.

"Oh good, you're here," he says, looking even more frazzled than usual. He doesn't reach for either of the blades in his obi, so you suppose he's not going to kill you, probably. (Of course he isn't, your logic tries to tell you, but your imagination and anxiety together are a very powerful combination.)

"Ah, yes, Kojuro-sama," you stutter, and sketch a short bow.

Kojuro-sama smiles gratefully at you - which, what? - and draws closer. "What you said last night, it made Masamune-sama reconsider his actions."

"Ah?" You blink up at him, brain still stuck between  _I'm not going to be punished?_ and  _I should buy some nice incense for Father._

"About your father, especially." Kojuro-sama's smile drops into sympathy. "I'm sorry for your loss, Yahiko."

You nod automatically. "Thank you. It was - painful. But we've moved on. Mostly." The weight of your father's broken hair pin presses against your forearm, safe in the pocket of the sleeve of your kimono.

"And now you've been parted from your mother and brother," Kojuro-sama says, starting to frown. "Have you sent any letters to them?"

"Ah, I wrote them a note a week and a half ago, before the hunt," you say, finally managing to catch your brain up to the topic of conversation. "My mother doesn't read well, but my younger brother has had some study at a local temple, as well as what my father and I taught him. And there's a bookseller nearby who likes to eat at our restaurant, and he sometimes reads letters out loud for a small price. Don't worry, Kojuro-sama, my family know I'm doing well."

Kojuro-sama nods, but doesn't look entirely satisfied. Then again, you're not sure he'd be satisfied by anything less than perfection, and you don't think you can really classify your communication attempts with your family to be anywhere near perfect. Between your stumbling calligraphy and their stumbling levels of literacy...

"If that's all, Kojuro-sama?" you ask, voice trailing off a bit on the question.

He nods again. "Go ahead. He shouldn't give you any more trouble, from here on out."

You give him a bow, not sure what to say in reply. You trust him, you  _have_ to, since he's one of the two people in Yonezawa who knows your secret, but you're also... Well, a bit scared about facing Masamune-sama again so soon. Still, this is what you've sworn to do, so you walk the remaining distance to Masamune-sama's rooms, and you announce yourself at the door like you have for the past week.

Silence from within, and you think that maybe Kojuro-sama's actually wrong for once.

Then: "Come in, Yahiko."

You swallow against the anxiety clogging your throat and push the door open. You enter and bow, and proceed to set the tray in front of your lord. He's sitting up on his futon, still wearing his sleep clothes like last night. At least it looks like the bedding and robe have both been changed for clean ones. You don't exactly avoid his eyes, but if you go about your business without looking at him directly, then that's just the respect of a retainer to their lord, right?

When you've finished setting out the dishes on the tray, you give a short bow and start to rise to leave, but Masamune-sama reaches out and catches your wrist. It's not a firm hold, but just the touch itself shocks you into stilling where you are.

"Are you scared of me, Yahiko?" Masamune-sama asks, not letting go of your wrist yet.

You bite your lip. "I, ah."

How do you explain that you're not really scared of  _him_ per se - the man a year younger than you who is easily embarrassed and has just lost his father - but of what authority over you his position in the world grants him? You grew up hating samurai for the wars they fight and for endangering your father, and Masamune-sama is not only a samurai but commands an army of them. And that's without taking into account the fact that all the governmental authorities you'd met before coming to Yonezawa were, well, a little lacking in the morals and ethics department. Threatening to burn down your family's restaurant if you don't marry him isn't a good quality in a magistrate, you don't think, but apparently the government officials around him don't agree with you.

So it's not really that you think Masamune-sama will punish you for speaking the truth last night. In the light of day, your logic prevails and tells you that the man you've gotten to know a bit is not one that will punish you for last night.

It's just that, if he wanted to, he  _could._

"I'm not... It's not you I'm scared of, Masamune-sama," you say finally. "But if you were anyone else, I might not be alive right now. I've heard stories of other daimyos. And what they do. Sometimes." You take a chance and look up.

Masamune-sama's jaw is clenched, like he's angry. But not at you, if the way his eye is downcast is any indication. He still hasn't let go of your wrist, and his hand flexes when you mention hearing stories about other men in his position.

You bite your lip, and continue. "I cannot in good conscience apologize for what I said last night, Masamune-sama, but I realize that I was rude and disrespectful in how I -"

"No." Masamune-sama glances up. "You don't need to, shouldn't need to apologize. For what you said. You were right. Are right. I'm the one, ah, who should apologize. To you. For my conduct."

You blink at him. You really didn't expect him to say you're right, let alone apologize. "I forgive you," you say. "I, ah, I understand. A bit. What you were feeling. About your father."

Masamune-sama's eyebrows draw together, and he looks down, cheeks flushing a delicate pink. You catch yourself leaning forward, just staring at the flush, and stop yourself. As you move back, you tug against his grip on your wrist. He grips you tighter for a second, and then releases you and jerks his hand to his lap, flush getting stronger.

"That just makes my conduct more inexcusable," Masamune-sama says, still looking away from you.

You settle back on your haunches. "I don't think it does," you say slowly. "Grief makes people do all sorts of things, in my experience. And you've realized, uh... Well, you've decided to pursue another course of action, clearly, so I don't think there's been much harm." You pause, then add pointedly, "Except to yourself."

"I deserve it," Masamune-sama says, in a tone of voice that shouldn't belong to an eighteen-year-old. "I killed my own father."

It's... not entirely true, but not entirely false, either. And since you mainly stayed as far away from the gunshots and fighting as you could during the battle, there's no way you can refute his claim with logic. You've heard that Terumune-sama had been heard yelling at the Date soldiers to just shoot him, rather than let him remain a prisoner of the enemy. You've also heard that Masamune-sama ordered the decimation of the Hatakeyama without regards for his father's safety and without even trying to find a way to rescue Terumune-sama.

In the end, it's so far removed from any of your life experiences that you can't even begin to think of what's going through your lord's mind, except what little he tells you. (And what he does say is probably more terrifying than he means it to be.)

"Well..." you reply finally. "Let's take that as truth. You killed your own father. Doesn't that mean that you owe him now?"

Masamune-sama looks up, confusion twisting the parts of his face that you can see from under the bangs that fall forward over his eyepatch.

"So, if you owe him, then that means you need to live in a way that will honor him, right?" you continue.

"...I don't think that's how it works," Masamune-sama says.

You bite your lip. "Well, maybe not for samurai, but I think it's how it should work. Since you dying will hurt everyone who depends on you, which I doubt your father would want, that means you need to take care of yourself and live well."

"'And live well'?" Masamune-sama echoes.

"Yes, exactly." You give a decisive nod. "Live well, so that when you die you can tell your father that his death wasn't in vain." Or however samurai thought of their own deaths. You think you might be able to be at peace with your death, if it was to protect someone. Maybe.

(You really hope it doesn't come to that at all.)

"You think it's that easy?" Masamune-sama asks. "To just move on and 'live well'?"

"Of course not." You think of your mother in the wake of your father's death, working herself into the ground and barely managing to eat more than a few bites of each meal. Of Yahiko, who didn't understand why his father wasn't coming back this time, and still looked down the street for him for a full year after, dedicating a prayer a week at the local shrine for his return.

You even think of yourself, who had to smile and keep the restaurant going when your mother was too tired, who had to keep up with Yahiko and make sure he didn't get into trouble, who cried over the hairpin your father gave you by the river, since it was the only place you could be alone to indulge in your grief.

You say, "It's the hardest thing in the world. That's why you owe it to him to do so."

Masamune-sama looks at you as if you've just revealed a truth he's never known, and you don't know what to do with that awe from your lord, so you bow quietly and take your leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: "Are you scared of me?" was almost the moment I chose to illustrate, but then I decided that since this is an ot3 fic, each CG needs to have all three members of the ot3 in it. (That made my choice a bit more Difficult, since this part of the story is so Masamune-focused.)
> 
> Also I'm sure that you can tell by now that I've given MC anxiety about authority thanks to the magistrate and just all the Evil Ronin running around to be used as Plot Device Villains in these stories. I also figure that this is the first time she's really gotten angry at someone at Yonezawa, and so while she _thinks_ these samurai are Pretty Good Dudes, she doesn't actually _know_ , y'know? I enjoy power imbalance as a Trope in fics because I think it can create some interesting character dynamics, but I also think it's important to acknowledge the negative aspects of power imbalance and then, if the relationship is going to continue to deepen, correct the imbalances so everything's all consensual.


	9. episode eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get a new job. There are slightly mixed opinions about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I kept writing while I was away and unable to illustrate the intrigue chapter, I'm now even more ahead than I was before, so surprise! You get an update two days in a row!

Now that Masamune-sama is eating again (and you clearly aren't going to be punished for overstepping boundaries), it only takes a few days before he's feeling well enough to leave his room and start taking his meals in the main hall with the rest of his retainers again. He looks nervous the first morning that he comes for breakfast, but no one asks him where he's been.

In fact, a few retainers come up to bow and give him their condolences, even though Terumune-sama's funeral and memorial have already been held. Masamune-sama's eye widens in surprise when the first retainer approaches him, but he manages to respond with some genuine emotion instead of his usual amount of stiffness. You smile to yourself, feeling almost proud of him. Looking across the hall, you meet Kojuro-sama's eyes, and you wonder if he feels the same way.

It's a little disconcerting, how fast you've become attached to both samurai lords. Kojuro-sama because of everything he has done for you, and Masamune-sama because of everything you have done for him. And of course others around the castle, like Umeko and Shigezane-sama. Umeko's the best friend you think you could possibly have, here or  _anywhere_ (and especially after she found out your secret and did nothing more than slip you some hard candy the next day), and Shigezane-sama somehow has the power to bring cheer into any room that he enters, just with his smile alone.

It's startling to realize that you actually find yourself  _enjoying_ your life here in Yonezawa. You've always been friendly to new people in your life, but some amount of that is the customer service persona you've had to adapt while welcoming people into your family's restaurant. It's nice to see people each day that you genuinely  _like,_ who you'll smile at without having to remind yourself to do so. You miss your mother and Yahiko, but you've had a letter from them in reply to your first letter, and you've sent a second letter to update them, so it's not like you don't know what's happening with them.

When the spring comes and Kojuro-sama clears you to leave to return to Kyoto, will you even want to go?

* * *

The first night that Masamune-sama emerges from his rooms, he's also in Kojuro-sama's office when you bring the nightly tea tray. You're surprised to see him - you'd think the vassal would visit his lord's rooms instead - but set out a cup for him as well.

Kojuro-sama picks up his tea and sniffs at it, and then grimaces. "Isn't there any matcha to be had, Yahiko?"

"Pardon me, Kojuro-sama, but the biwa cha is all I could find," you lie straight to his face. You know he wants a tea that will help him stay awake longer, and you refuse to enable him tonight. The bags under his eyes are dark enough already.

"Is that so," Kojuro-sama says, staring you down.

You give him a bland smile and refuse to budge. Since you called Masamune-sama childish and got praised for it, you think your bravery can extend this far as well. (After all, Shigezane-sama had stopped you in the hall that afternoon after The Incident and congratulated you with a grin: "They really need someone who can keep up with them, so thanks for stepping up!")

"This is very good," Masamune-sama murmurs as he takes a sip from his cup, breaking the stare-down. "Do you bring Kojuro tea each night, Yahiko?"

"I've taken over the duty, yes, Masamune-sama," you reply with a more genuine smile.

Kojuro-sama purses his lips, but doesn't complain more about your choices in tea like he usually does. Maybe your continued efforts to bully him into getting more sleep each night are paying off and he's realized that drinking tea to keep him awake until his body gives out isn't exactly a good way to maintain his health.

"It's not the tea that Kojuro typically drinks in the evenings," Masamune-sama comments. You wonder if he knows what you're doing and, if so, if he's helping or trying to stop you.

"We're running a shortage," you lie blatantly, blinking innocently.

Masamune-sama meets your eyes, eyebrow slightly raised but with amusement tucked away in the corner of his mouth. Oh, he definitely knows.

Kojuro-sama heaves a sigh and mutters, "I don't need the two of you teaming up to stop me from working."

"I wouldn't dream of trying to keep you from working, Kojuro-sama," you say truthfully. Overworking, yes. Working at all? Of course not. A blind man could see the devotion he has to his lord and how stopping him from supporting Masamune-sama would tear out a necessary part of him.

"Tell me, Kojuro, what was it that you told me just last week about taking care of myself?" Masamune-sama asks, further cementing your trust in him.

"Masamune-sama, please, it's not the same - mm." Kojuro-sama cuts himself off, leaning over his desk and pinching the bridge of his nose. "There is a difference between hurting yourself and making sure I complete the necessary preparations for our upcoming campaign."

Upcoming campaign? You glance between the two samurai, wondering if you should leave.

"I haven't even announced the campaign to my other retainers," Masamune-sama says mildly and takes another sip of tea.

Okay, you feel like you  _really_ shouldn't be here, if they're talking about secret military plans. "Ah, I'll be on my way, Masamune-sama, Kojuro-sama," you say and start to get up.

"No, Yahiko, stay. This concerns you a bit as well," Kojuro-sama says, gesturing for you to sit back down. You do so, even if you have no idea how an upcoming military campaign could concern you.

"Kojuro and I have been discussing the idea of making you a page, rather than keeping you as my poison taster," Masamune-sama explains. His eye is on his cup of tea, rather than your face. You're not sure what that means.

"I see," you say, even though you really don't. You really only have a vague idea of what being a page entails. "Is there anything that I've been doing that has caused offense...?"

"No, far from it," Kojuro-sama says. He meets your eyes, at least. "In fact, by taking on the duties of being a page, you would have more responsibilities added onto what you've taken onto yourself."

Well, at least that probably means they're not disappointed by your work so far, right? You didn't think they would be, but there's always a chance. You look between the two samurai again, and then settle your gaze upon Masamune-sama. "What would these new duties consist of?"

Masamune-sama doesn't look up, and Kojuro-sama is the one that answers: "Carrying personal and private correspondence. Continuing to make Masamune-sama's meals. Assisting in other small menial tasks. Attending your lord in battle."

Your eyebrows raise. "In... battle?"

Masamune-sama says, "We would station you in the home camp to keep you safe. And we'll also give you training. Of course." He still doesn't meet your eyes, for some reason.

"It's your choice, Yahiko," Kojuro-sama says, voice softening slightly. "There might even be more danger associated with the position than being a poison taster. We would understand if you would rather -"

"I accept," you say, interrupting him.

"What?" Masamune-sama says, jerking his head up to finally meet your eyes.

"I accept the position," you repeat, meeting your lord's gaze evenly. "I don't know why you need me in this position, and you don't need to tell me. I've sworn to protect you, Masamune-sama, and that's what I intend to continue to do."

"Even in war?" Kojuro-sama asks. "I don't believe you like battle."

You look over at him, unwavering. "I don't, Kojuro-sama, but I also trust you to take care of me while I take care of the both of you, however you let me."

Kojuro-sama blinks as if he hadn't expected that, and looks down at his cup of tea as he explains your new duties.

* * *

Umeko is almost more excited about your promotion than you are, which is funny, because you thought she'd be disappointed that you'll be spending less time with her in the kitchens now.

"It's really good, you know, that you have a position that matches your responsibilities better now, Yahiko," Umeko says. She's taken off the  _kun_ from your (brother's) name now that she knows about your, ah, secret, although she passes it off to others as a natural response to how close you've become. "Poison tasters really aren't... Well, let's just say that I know some of the other servants have been keeping away from you just because they expected you to die at any meal."

You look at her with bemusement. "...Really?" Everyone that you've talked to has been perfectly pleasant. And of course you haven't talked to everyone at Yonezawa, but you wouldn't have thought Umeko had, either...

Umeko hesitates, and tugs you closer. "There was one poison taster, in the past... The silver chopsticks didn't work, didn't reveal the poison, and he died in the middle of one of young Date-sama's speeches. This was in the first few weeks after... after he became the daimyo, and he actually made attempts, you know, at increasing morale."

Well. That certainly puts a different spin on the events of your first night in Yonezawa. "I heard there were poisoning attempts before then," you say, and then wonder if you shouldn't have.

"Ah, well." Umeko winces. "It's... We don't..."

Of course. Servants don't talk about it. You can't imagine they would, since Yoshihime-sama still resides in Yonezawa part of the time. Whenever she's not visiting her brother, Mogami-sama, and she apparently spends a lot of time visiting him.

You wish she'd spend more time visiting him, but that probably means that Masamune-sama and Kojuro-sama would have less evidence of her attempts to kill her son. Distance is a fairly convincing alibi, you think. (Is it better to deal with more poisoning attempts in order to secure evidence of guilt, or try and push the entire problem away until it can't be?)

Belatedly, you give your friend a bright smile. "Never mind, I don't know what I was saying!"

Umeko's returning smile is grateful and a little wobbly. "Let's talk about something else. Like - you said that Kojuro-sama will be training you to fight! Are you sure that's, well, wise?"

The 'considering the fact that you're a woman dressing as a man' is left mercifully unsaid. You shrug. "I think I'll be fine. Kojuro-sama is going to teach me basic self defense, he's not planning on letting me anywhere near battle. I think it's more important that Shigezane-sama's going to teach me how to ride a horse, so I can  _get away_ from all the fighting, you know?"

"I'd still be so scared," Umeko says. "But, I suppose you've proven that you're braver than me, since we first met, Yahiko."

"What do you mean?" you ask.

Umeko curls her fingers around yours. "When you saved me from those men in town, weeks ago. And got beaten for it..."

You blink. You hadn't considered that bravery, and still don't, really. You didn't think you'd get injured when you stuck up for Umeko, and you don't think it would have been decent of you to shy away from protecting her. You'd need more than two hands to count the number of times you had wished in the past for someone to step in between you and the magistrate back in Kyoto. Inuchiyo helped, but he wasn't always there, and your younger brother has proven to need protection just as much as you.

"I - hadn't really thought ahead about that sort of thing," you say. "And when we split apart, they could have followed you instead of me."

"But they didn't," Umeko insists. "And you were hurt because of it. And now, knowing..." She trails off, and you assume that she means 'knowing that you're a woman'.

"It really didn't hurt that bad," you reassure her, pain most likely blunted by time. (And the memory of your last menstrual cycle, when the medications that Kojuro-sama sent you took the edge off the pain but  _not enough_ , and you had to keep working to maintain your cover as a man _._ ) "And I've healed completely."

Umeko looks like she wants to argue with you, but instead she just squeezes your hand.

* * *

"Hmmm, now there's an interesting move," Fujibayashi-san says when you come to tell his wife about your promotion. He's lounging in one corner of their shared room, left leg and right arm bandaged. He gives off the air of a cat sleeping in a sunbeam, but you don't think he'd be there if he wasn't wounded.

"Is it, Fujibayashi-san?" you ask politely. You kind of wish he wasn't there - you're maybe a little possessive of your time with Mitsuba-sensei - but if he's going to be here, making comments like that, then you might as well see what he has to say.

Fujibayashi-san shakes his head and closes his eyes. "Interesting." He settles down firmly into the blankets under him, and doesn't say anything again.

You stare at him in disbelief for a moment. Why  _say_ something like that, and not even bother elaborating? Time has clearly softened your memories of having him as your teacher before meeting his wife, because after all of five minutes your frustration with him has come roaring back.

"Don't mind Genya," Mitsuba-sensei says. "He's just annoyed that I won't let him go out to play cards."

You blink. "...Cards?"

Mitsuba-sensei nods. "He pisses people off because he cheats, and with his leg and arm hurt I don't trust him to get out of trouble without hurting himself more."

"No one will  _catch_ me," Fujibayashi-san says, and if it was any other person, you'd describe his tone of voice as a  _whine_.

"Of course, dear," Mitsuba-sensei says fondly.

You decide that you really don't want to know more. (You also reserve to never ever play cards with Fujibayashi-san, or make bets on any activity that he's participating in.)

"Now, about your additional duties as a page." Mitsuba-sensei sorts herbs with deft hands as she speaks, and you follow along, glancing between her hands and yours. "Will you be okay with following Kojuro-sama and Masamune-sama into battle?"

You look down, remembering how you told her you didn't want to fight earlier. You still don't, really, but it's not like you wanted to travel two weeks to be a poison taster either. You just wanted to protect Yahiko; now, you just want to protect the people that you care about. "I don't know," you say, slowly and truthfully. "I suppose I won't really know until I'm there." You wonder if this might be a little what your father felt before he was called to war each time.

"You might get killed," Mitsuba-sensei presses.

"Maybe. But I trust Masamune-sama and Kojuro-sama."

(You ignore Fujibayashi-san snickering and repeating ' _Masamune-sama_ ' like he wants a punch in the face.)

"You might have to kill someone as well," Mitsuba-sensei says, pausing her sorting to look straight at you. Your eyes are drawn to the scar on her cheek - from a time when she didn't duck fast enough, she told you.

"I - yes. Maybe." You bite your lip. "But I think I'll be better at running away from danger than fighting well enough to kill someone."

Fujibayashi-san snorts, and his wife shoots him a look. He ignores her, probably because his eyes are still closed, and he says, "Killing someone's easier than you think, kid. Human body's fragile. You don't even need a sword. Even a nice, large rock to the head will do it."

You look away from him, hands clenching into fists on your knees. You imagine holding a rock yourself, bringing it down on the head of someone else - maybe one of the two men that beat you back in your first week here - and then -

You don't know.

"Genya," Mitsuba-sensei sighs. "Go take a nap in the garden. You're just causing trouble here."

When you look over at that corner again, the ninja is gone, leaving just the pile of blankets in his place. You relax a bit, shoulders drooping, and you glance at Mitsuba-sensei.

She has a bittersweet expression on her face, not a smile and not a frown. "I hope you don't have to find out if you're willing to kill someone, Yahiko. But in any case, I promised to teach you some basic medical practices."

You nod, and attempt a smile. It doesn't fit very well, but it gets easier to hold it as the lesson continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My research says that matcha is full of caffeine while biwa cha is an herbal tea with no caffeine. Mea culpa if my "front page of Google" research sticks out too much. (And feel free to talk about teas in the comments - I love learning new things!)
> 
> Why won't Masamune meet MC's eyes while offering her the page position? I figure that he's a little hesitant about bringing someone new into the Death Target Area that is the people closest to him, even if MC was already in some danger as a poison taster. By being his page, she's now closer to him and in more of a position to hurt him if she's hurt/convinced to betray him. (And Kojuro is also slightly hesitant, but not for any reasons he can give Masamune...)
> 
> (And mea culpa as well if my Genya seems OOC. The moment his route is available in English, I'm fucking _on it_ , but until then what I know is that he's kind of lazy, likes money and playing cards, and is loyal to Masamune.)


	10. episode nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You fall down a lot, and get up and try again. But hey, at least you get a letter from your family as well!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just really wanted much more of a training montage in Kojuro's route. (Also ngl I really hate it when characters _train_ with live blades in stories, because that's so dangerous!!! You're gonna kill someone! Just use a practice blade, come on!)

You settle into a new daily rhythm as a page just like you did in your first days as a poison taster. You think that you should be a page for either Masamune-sama or Kojuro-sama, but they never really make it clear to you which of them you report to above the other. You figure that it's probably Masamune-sama, since he's Kojuro-sama's lord as well as yours, but you spend more time couriering messages for Kojuro-sama. No wonder his desk is such a mess, if he writes this many messages daily.

You miss working with Umeko in the kitchens, but you still see her when you prepare Masamune-sama's meals, and it's really nice to see more parts of the castle and town than you did before.

Because, you know, Kojuro-sama writes a lot. And to a lot of people. And you're the one who runs all over the place to deliver those messages.

You're completely exhausted by the end of the day during the first week, but you think it's probably worth it, to know that you're helping Masamune-sama and Kojuro-sama in such a tangible way. Besides, you're never too exhausted to make tea and some mochi to deliver to their quarters at night, and they always make a point to ask after you and chat a bit, no matter how busy they are.

But if your new routine is pretty easy to get used to, your new martial training is  _not._

Shigezane-sama, bless him, is a cheerful and encouraging equestrian teacher. The first day, you don't even mount the horse at all, just get used to being around her. And it really, really helps - after feeding the horse enough food to get her to sniff at you for more, you get to brush her coat, and the idea of riding her doesn't seem so scary anymore.

Kojuro-sama, on the other hand...

Well, if you hadn't already decided that you trusted him, you'd probably be terrified of his harsh and unrelenting attitude as he trains you. You're sure it will be worth it in the end, because if you ever end up needing these skills then you want them to be as perfected as you can make them, but it's difficult not to despair a bit of ever reaching that stage when you're face down in the dirt for the twentieth time in a row.

You're supposed to be tucking and rolling when Kojuro-sama throws you, but you obviously don't have a handle on either yet.

Still, you swore to do this. To Masamune-sama and Kojuro-sama. To yourself.

So you stand up, set your feet, and try again.

* * *

Umeko worries over you when she sees the bruises. It's almost like having your mother here with you, although Umeko pinches you  _hard_ when you mention this to her.

Mitsuba-sensei smiles cheekily at you and your bruises, and gives you a cream that's supposed to help with them.

(Thankfully, it really, really does.)

* * *

One day, when you're dragging yourself to the kitchen to make Masamune-sama's lunch after practice with Kojuro-sama, you're stopped by one of the many other couriers running around the castle. He gives you a smile, some encouragement and some condolences, and - most importantly - a letter from your family in Kyoto!

You quiver in place, suddenly energized again, and it takes a monumental amount of resolve to tuck the letter into your kimono instead of running back to your rooms to rip it open and devour your family's words.

When you bring Masamune-sama his food, he raises an eyebrow at your impatience, and says, "You're that hungry after your lessons, Yahiko?"

"Ah, not quite, tono," you say with a sheepish smile. "I got a letter from Kyoto today! It's the second one I've received from them."

Masamune-sama smiles warmly and nods. He dismisses you, and you run back to your room to read the letter in the spare few minutes you have before you need to eat your own lunch.

The letter is short, and somewhat awkwardly worded, the calligraphy unpracticed, but it's so familiar that you start crying with relief. The paper ends up a little crumpled from where you clutched it to your chest, and there's a splatter or two from your tears on the paper, but none of the ink has run or blotched up, so everything's fine.

 _Dear child,_ your mother writes (or rather, Yahiko probably wrote, while your mother dictated), _So glad you're well and settling in! Made more friends yet?_ _Interested in your studies. Eating well? Yonezawa big, beautiful, scary? Please write more! With love, Mother & brother._

You're not sure which of them decided to leave names out of the letter, but you're glad. You would  _hate_ to have to destroy the first contact you've had with your family in months just to preserve your identity as Yahiko. As it is, the letter is completely innocuous, and you decide to carry it around next to your heart, so you can pull it out and look at the words again and again.

That night, you're exhausted as usual, but before you collapse into bed, you light one of your precious candles and begin a letter in reply:  _Greetings from Yonezawa! I was delighted to receive your letter today. I am eating well, and have been promoted from poison taster to page! Umeko-san is still my dearest friend here, but Kojuro-sama and Shigezane-sama have been teaching me some needed skills..._

* * *

The happiness from receiving the letter from your family carries you through another week, easily. The pains from riding a horse have started to dull to a persistent ache instead of the sharp cramps from your first days, and you've progressed from learning how to fall to learning how to make someone  _else_ fall. It's kind of nice, because there's less bruising involved in lessons with Kojuro-sama these days, except when you let down your guard and he throws you.

At least now, you have the hang of tucking and rolling and getting back to your feet.

"Wow, you're sure looking cheerful for someone who's spent the morning getting hit by Kojuro," Shigezane-sama comments when you show up for your riding lesson on the first day after you get the letter.

You grin at him. "I heard from my family! And you know, Shigezane-sama, I think I might be getting the hang of things, at least a bit."

He laughs at you, but it's alright, because you laugh along with him.

Kojuro-sama doesn't ask about your good mood, and you figure that either he doesn't think it's out of the normal for you or he already knows that you got the letter. Someone had to have looked it over to make sure it got to you, anyways, and Kojuro-sama's had you carry enough messages to the inter-castle couriers that you wouldn't be surprised if he keeps tabs on the messages coming in as well as going out.

Instead, he sees your increased energy and uses it to introduce new techniques. It's  _difficult_ , learning to punch and kick with the intent to hurt someone else - on _top_ of dodging and blocking and using gravity to make your opponent (you enemy, as Kojuro-sama repeats relentlessly) fall to the ground instead of you. You're scared to hurt him at first, but he quickly demonstrates that's a pretty silly fear. You can flail at him all you want, and at the moment you're not disciplined or strong enough to do any real damage to him.

But you're working on it. You can block his punches pretty well now, when you're going through drills! And your aim with your kicks has gotten much better even in the last week. And your balance has improved as well, to the point where you're no longer in danger of falling over when you try a kick!

(And if Kojuro-sama sweeps your supporting leg out from under you, then you know how to tuck and roll back to your feet.)

* * *

You don't have any real complaints about how Shigezane-sama and Kojuro-sama are teaching you - quite the opposite, in fact, since you know how important and busy both of them are. It almost feels, well,  _indulgent_ to have all this time with them just for yourself. (It doesn't help that Umeko giggles with you at night, sometimes, and asks you about how strong and capable your teachers are.) You're still tired a lot of the time, but your position in the castle lets you eat more of a better quality of food then you're used to, so you feel like you're getting stronger instead of being worn down.

And there's a small, growing ember of pride in your chest that you're learning to be  _useful_ to people you care about. That you can protect people this way. A few nights you wonder what would have happened if you'd been able to defend yourself better from the magistrate back in Kyoto - could you drive him off, or make him give up? Or - like you sometimes dare to imagine - make people realize that he shouldn't have that power in the first place? You know - these are really just dreams, just things you'd maybe like to have happen, even if you're sure they'll never come true.

But if there is a chance... You think that you're getting closer to making these dreams of protecting people a reality than you were before, and you'll accept every harsh criticism that Kojuro-sama has, in order to get there.

So it's a surprise when, one night, you pause outside Masmaune-sama's rooms to announce yourself and you hear Shigezane-sama saying, "Hey, speaking about Yahiko, don't you think you're a little hard on him, Kojuro?"

You freeze, mouth still open to announce yourself. It would be  _wrong_ to eavesdrop, you're pretty certain, but it's not like they're talking about anything like military movements. They're talking about  _you._

Eavesdropping it is, then.

Kojuro-sama replies in that tone of voice which means he's looking at the previous speaker with barely-disguised coolness: "Are you sure you're not being too easy on him, Shigezane-dono?"

Shigezane-sama laughs and says, "Nah, he's picking up equestrian skills really quickly, considering he's never been on a horse before now. But don't change the subject! I saw the bruises you leave on him. Poor kid!"

"Poor kid?" Oh, Kojuro-sama must be raising an eyebrow, even more unimpressed with his friend. "Yahiko is now in a position where he very may well be asked to protect Masamune-sama with his life, and you're worried about how many bruises he gets in training?"

It really is sweet that Shigezane-sama is so concerned about you, but you honestly agree more with Kojuro-sama in this case.

"Are we eavesdropping, hmm?" a voice says over your shoulder and it takes everything in you not to scream and drop the tray.

You slowly turn your head to meet the eyes of Fujibayashi-san, who looks less apathetic than usual - mainly because he seems to be laughing at your expense. You glare at him, daring him to announce your presence. You  _want_ to hear what Masamune-sama has to say about this!

Fujibayashi-san raises first one and then both eyebrows, and smirks slowly. Then, like an asshole, he slides the door open and disappears into Masamune-sama's rooms, interrupting the conversation going on inside.

Kami take that ninja! You huff an annoyed sigh, and announce yourself to bring the tea inside. The samurai are paying more attention to what the ninja is saying than to you, but the small smile that Masamune-sama gives you when you place his tea in front of him is more than enough.

* * *

What Shigezane-sama says to Kojuro-sama has absolutely no effect on how harsh his lessons are, and you're glad about that. It's not really enjoyable to get hurt, but you can't shake the idea that someday you might need to fight someone. Especially if your lord actually takes you near a battle, which you're pretty sure he'll do sometime soon, because he's always talking with Kojuro-sama and his other retainers about the Hatakeyama. Besides, the more you practice, the less you end up hurting after each lesson. It's like when you started out cooking when you were younger, and everything tasted pretty bad until you practiced more, except now you get bruised arms and legs instead of bruised taste buds.

* * *

One day as you take a break for water - it might be winter, but the sun still shines hot - Kojuro-sama says, "You're improving."

You blink at him stupidly for a moment, and then grin. "Thank you, Kojuro-sama!" He doesn't give out compliments unless he really means them, so it must be true.

After a pause, he says, "I didn't expect... Hm." He frowns, and this sort of hesitation is really unlike what you've seen of him so far.

"You didn't expect?" you prompt him, frowning a little in concern.

Kojuro-sama looks at you for a moment, and then shakes his head. "Never mind. it's not important."

You nod slowly. "If you say so, Kojuro-sama." And then you get back to work.

Another day, Kojuro-sama looks at you with a tinge of concern as the session is ending, and you're crouched on the ground trying to catch your breath. (The both of you agree that you should be prepared to run away from a fight if necessary, so he has you sprinting drills in between practicing kata.)

You don't have the breath yet to say anything, so you look at him and raise your eyebrows in question.

He looks like he might actually say what's on his mind, and then he just shakes his head and turns away. You shrug, and figure it's not important.

A third day, he stops you as you're leaving after practice, but as you're waiting in front of him patiently, he just frowns at you.

"Is there something wrong, Kojuro-sama?" you ask. If there's a touch of exasperation in your voice, it's totally just because you're tired and hungry and still have to make Masamune-sama's meal before you can eat yourself, and not because this is becoming a bit of an annoying trend.

Kojuro-sama continues to frown at you, but it's not an angry frown. More like a puzzled one, like you're presenting a riddle that he's trying to solve.

You have absolutely no idea why he'd be looking at you like this, because it's not like you've been doing anything strange recently. Well, except for the martial arts training, but that's just part of your new job, so it shouldn't be unexpected that you're, y'know,  _doing your job_.

"You're picking this up better than I expected," Kojuro-sama says finally.

Maybe it's a backhanded compliment - exactly how slowly did he expect you to learn this stuff? - but you don't care. You smile at him, and say genuinely, "Thank you, Kojuro-sama. Now, I need to go prepare tono-sama's meal. So if we're done here...?"

Kojuro-sama nods, and then turns on his heels and strides away.

Weird.

It proceeds like that for a week longer, during which you start accumulating more bruises because Kojuro-sama decided to introduce swords into your training. (Wooden swords certainly aren't as dangerous as their metal counterparts, but they still  _hurt_ when you get hit in the ribs with one. Kojuro-sama just says that the pain is a lesson, and you figure you'd rather be bruised than dead, so you get up and try again, as usual.) You almost get annoyed now, each time that Kojuro-sama looks like he's about to tell you something and then decides not to.

What is it? Is it something you're doing wrong? Has he heard something about your family that you haven't? Has some else learned that you're a woman?  _What is it?_

It finally comes to a head, surprisingly, when you take him his evening tea. You're maybe feeling a little less charitable to him than usual, since your forearms and ribs are mottled with bruises from training with the bokken earlier, so the tea is herbal instead of green, but Kojuro-sama seems to have gotten used to your not-so-subtle hints about his sleep schedule.

Kojuro-sama looks at the tea mournfully after he tastes it, but just shakes his head instead of commenting on it. "You keep surprising me with how forceful you are, Yahiko."

You pause in your movements, not sure if that's a good thing or not, but then you mentally shrug and continue. "Thank you, I think, Kojuro-sama."

"Especially with your training," he adds.

You glance up at him and raise your eyebrows, and then settle back onto your heels. "Are you disappointed with my work in any way, Kojuro-sama?" you ask, wanting to get to the bottom of this.

Kojuro-sama's eyebrows raise in surprise. "No, you're doing... well, remarkably well. Especially for... Mm. What made you think I was disappointed?"

"I simply couldn't imagine another reason for why you keep starting to say something and then not actually say it," you explain. You're very proud of yourself; your tone of voice is even, not showing (most of) the frustration you feel! "It's been very confusing," you add with a bit of a teasing smile to soften your frustration.

"Ah, I see." Kojuro-sama looks down at his tea for a moment. "No, I've been... Surprised. With your aptitude for your martial training. I admit, I didn't expect you to rise to the challenge quite so thoroughly."

You stay silent, mustering your thoughts. On one hand, there's the anger - did he really expect you to be so weak, or to slack off and avoid your duties? On the other hand, there's the pleasure - Kojuro-sama is a perfectionist and has high expectations for all of his subordinates, so if he compliments you, then he really  _means_ it.

"I view my training as an important duty," you finally say, measuring each word carefully. "And so I put forth the amount of effort that it deserves, as an important duty. There is no reason to slack in my efforts, and ever reason to rise to whatever challenge you set to me."

Kojuro-sama looks back at you and his eyes are warm with approval. You flush a little, pleased with the unspoken compliment.

"I really should not have underestimated you so much," he says, and his voice is a little rueful. "But if how much I've pushed you hasn't made you reconsider your position as a page, then at least you'll be safer altogether with it."

"Wait, what?" you blurt out. "You've been, ah, trying to get me to give up being a page?"

He nods, looking a little guilty.

You frown at him. " _Why_?" This makes no sense! If Masamune-sama and Kojuro-sama had agreed enough to make you a page in the first place, why would Kojuro-sama then go back on that and try to make you give up?

Kojuro-sama looks down, mouth twisted into a grimace. "I suppose... Knowing that you're a woman twisted my judgement. I did not expect you to be able to handle the physical aspects of being a page, and so I pushed you harder than I thought you'd be able to keep up with."

There's absolutely nothing that you can think to say to that. Do men really think women can't handle physical labor? Or, maybe the women in samurai families can't - although you don't know why they shouldn't be able to - but you grew up lifting heavy sacks and running around and occasionally wrestling with your brother and other boys in the neighborhood. Your martial training is  _difficult_ , definitely, because it requires control and tests parts of your body that you've never used before, but it's not like you're a stranger to hard work!

Finally, you say, struggling to find your politeness again, "I am glad, then, that I have exceeded your expectations, Kojuro-sama."

He looks uncertain and conflicted, the expression strange on his face. He's usually much more confident in his decisions. The conflict probably means that he _knows_ that he was stupid to expect so little of you, and you find yourself softening a bit.

"I am doing my best to become someone that you and Masamune-sama can rely on," you say. "I am more useful as a page than as a poison taster, correct?"

"...Yes. You are," Kojuro-sama says.

You nod. "Then I will continue to fulfill my duties to the best of my abilities."

With that said, you stand and dismiss yourself, and you feel Kojuro-sama's eyes on your back as you leave the room.

* * *

And then, of course, right when you think you're getting used to life again at Yonezawa, Yoshihime-sama returns to the castle and immediately demands attention from her eldest son.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured that Kojuro might not be completely comfortable with putting a woman in danger, and that would translate to how he treats MC with regards to physical training and whatnot. Nnnot a great move, on his part, assuming that MC would give up being a page just because he works her hard in training, but also in character, considering the whole "remember that you're a woman" part of his route.
> 
> Also, I always really wanted Kojuro and MC to bond over wanting to be useful to the people they care about, instead of MC angsting about how Kojuro only lives for Masamune, so there we go. Watch out, Kojuro, MC's gonna grow on you like a fungus and soon you'll be throwing yourself into danger for _her_ as well as Masamune.


	11. episode ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You finally find out why Yoshihime wants to kill Masamune. What the heck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO I AM NOT DEAD!!! I just started a new job (like two? three? what is time? weeks ago), so that's why it's been so long here. Episode eleven has also been kicking my ass a bit, but I finally gave up and decided to brush this chapter off and post it before I finish the next chapter.
> 
> Also, woah! Genya's route is out! I've actually been playing Hanzo's route first instead, because a) Ieyasu surprised me hard so why not his ninja, and b) I want to keep my innocence a bit longer before finding out exactly how much my version of him is jossed ;;;
> 
> I want to thank everyone again for the lovely comments that you leave! I love reading all of them, and they seriously inspire me to keep going.

Yoshihime-sama is beautiful, but incredibly intimidating. There's a perpetual look on her face like she hates that she has to associate with the people around her, and you don't know if that's what she looks like all the time, or if it's just how she feels when she's talking with the son that she  _keeps trying to murder._

Not that you're ever going to find out, most likely, since you see no reason to spend time with her on your own. After all, even if you didn't object to the whole filicide thing, you come from different stations in life. Masamune-sama might be rather open minded - after all, Kojuro-sama is the son of a Shinto priest rather than a samurai, and there's also talk about welcoming nanban traders to Yonezawa - but Yoshihime-sama is far more traditional. Far more uptight and conservative, as Shigezane-sama might say.

When you bring the tea service, you pause outside the door, unable to contain your curiosity. You know Masamune-sama isn't alone in there with Yoshihime-sama - Shigezane-sama and Kojuro-sama are there as well, for moral support - but that's the extent of your knowledge, and you  _really, really_ want to know what they're talking about.

"...really, if you're so strapped for good servants now I can ask my brother to send some here," a woman is saying. You assume she's Yoshihime-sama, since you don't know what other woman would be in there. (Also, even her voice sounds exquisitely beautiful and charming. If only she wasn't saying those words...)

"Your offer is appreciated, but unnecessary," Kojuro-sama says after a long pause. You imagine he had been waiting for Masmaune-sama to reply instead, and when he didn't...

You purse your lips, imagining Masamune-sama silent and cold, sitting quietly and refusing to interact with the world around him. You have no idea if he really looks like that right now, but you have no way of knowing without opening the door. And, considering that Yoshihime-sama has just started in on criticizing the handling of her late husband's personal affects, there's no better time to interrupt her by announcing yourself.

Yoshihime-sama reacts about as well as you imagined, meaning that she sniffs at you and makes an offhand comment about rudeness in servants, but doesn't actually try and punish you. Kojuro-sama quirks an eyebrow at you when he takes his cup, and Shigezane-sama thansk you loudly.

And Masamune-sama gives you a tiny, grateful smile, as if he's glad for more than just the tea. You smile back at him be fore you leave, your heart feeling a bit lighter. Sure, Yoshihime-sama is there to hurt him, but he has his friends with him.

He'll be fine.

* * *

Masamune-sama is  _not_ fine.

You have absolutely no idea what Yoshihime-sama said to him, but he barely eats more than a few bites of his supper that evening, and he barely responds to attempts at conversation from his retainers. It's like he's fallen back into the black pool of guilt that had swallowed him just after his father's death.

This does not make you happy.

"Is it better to try and support Masmaune-sama?" you wonder out loud in your lesson with Mitsuba-sensei. "Or would it be easier to, ah, take care of the problem myself?"

She raises a critical eyebrow. "And what, precisely, is the problem? And be warned that, until there's clear evidence connecting her to the attempted poisonings, Yoshihime-sama is still Masamune-sama's mother. It would be treason to try and hurt her."

You bite your lip and look down. Honestly, you weren't even thinking of  _that_ sort of solution, you just... Want to stop her from hurting your lord over and over.

And with only a few words!

"How can I defend someone against words?" you ask plaintively. "She watched him grow up, she clearly knows exactly what to say to make him hurt."

Mitsuba-sensei sighs. "Family is difficult. When there's history between two people, there's always the chance for hurt feelings. You can't protect people from everything. And even if you could, it wouldn't help."

"What do you mean?" you ask, frowning.

"Think about it this way. If you protect Masamune-sama from  _everything,_ he wouldn't know how to protect himself, and he would be hurt worse when you're not around to protect him," Mitsuba-sensei says. "It's why parents let children run around and get hurt. The pain is the lesson."

That seems reasonable, except that you  _hate_ the idea of not being able to protect someone you care about from pain. Stubbornly, you say, "Pain isn't inevitable. If it's preventable, shouldn't it be prevented?"

Mitsuba-sensei shrugs. "That wasn't how I was raised. My father gave me my first blade at age five and, other than bandaging my cuts and teaching me the proper way to wield it, let me make as many mistakes as I had to in order to figure out how to use it." She stretches out her fingers and you can see several old, whitened scars on them.

"My father gave me  _my_ first knife at the same age," you say mulishly. "And he watched me to make sure I  _didn't_ hurt myself." It's needlessly combative, you know, but there's a part of you that's angry at the idea of a miniature Mitsuba-sensei playing with a dangerously sharp kunai unsupervised. "Warning someone and protecting them works just as well, if not better, than letting themselves get hurt!"

"Some people will get hurt no matter what you do," Mitsuba-sensei replies softly. "Even if they have to do it to themselves."

You're not sure what to say to that, so you remain quiet, and Mitsuba-sensei resumes the lesson.

* * *

You keep wondering about Masamune-sama and Yoshihime-sama, the thoughts chasing themselves around in a circle in your head. It's not too bad when all you have to do is run around delivering messages or cooking meals (you've been doing this for years, you could whip up miso and onigiri asleep and have it taste good), but then you start getting distracted during your equestrian lessons, and Shigezane-sama takes you aside, leaving the horses tied to the fence a few meters away.

"Okay, you're not usually this distracted. What's up?" Shigezane-sama looks serious for once, as if he actually cares about the answer. And you were aware, on some level, that he wouldn't give you lessons if he didn't want to, but there's a difference between teaching you out of duty and spending time with you because he cares about you.

"I'm worried about Masamune-sama," you say finally, leaning against the top of the fence. "I don't know what his mother said to him, but he's not finishing his meals again."

Shigezane-sama nods grimly. "Yeah, Yoshihime-sama really knows what to say to make Masamune retreat into his head."

You bite your lip and glance away. You want to ask when Yoshihime-sama said to Masamune-sama, but you're not sure it would be appropriate. After all, who are you? A woman lying to her lord, only trusted with the duties of a page because you got lucky and saved his life twice? And you remember what Mitsuba-sensei said, about not being able to protect everyone - you're sure there's a reason she said that, so does that mean you shouldn't get more involved now? Just because you'd appreciate the help if you were in Masamune-sama's place doesn't mean he needs or wants it from you.

On the other hand, if he doesn't want your help, he can just tell you and until then you'll just do what you think is right.

You look back at Shigezane-sama and ask, "What did she say to him?"

He hunches his shoulders, glaring off at the horizon. "Just the usual stuff, really. And with a side of guilt trip about Terumune-sama, because of course she would."

You scowl. "Really? She would  _do that_?" Of course she would. This is the woman who keeps trying to kill her son. "Why does she hate Masamune-sama, anyways?"

Shigezane-sama shifts uncomfortably, looking anywhere but at you. You feel a little bad, but not enough to hold back the indignation and rage you feel about the possibility of Yoshihime-sama  _guilt tripping_ Masamune-sama over his father's death. As if he hadn't guilted himself enough about it!

"She... she doesn't really think of him as human," Shigezane-sama says finally, tone dark. "She's the one that started all the rumors about there being a demon under his eyepatch, did you know? Ever since he went blind in that eye, she can't accept that he's still her son."

"Masamune-sama went blind in that eye?" you blurt out. This is way more information about Masamune-sama's youth than you've gotten out of anyone else so far. (To be fair, though, it's not like you've been  _asking,_ since you don't think that would be appropriate, but still...)

Shigezane-sama raises his eyebrows at you. "Yeah, you never heard? He got smallpox as a kid, and it got in his right eye and blinded him."

"Oh..." That's much less violent than you'd imagined, to be honest. You'd thought maybe a spare arrow or something had ruined it, not something as common as disease. Although... you bit your lip, thinking about how strong Masamune-sama must be, to have survived something so deadly as smallpox as a child. "So he wears the eyepatch to cover up the scars? But why does Yoshihime-sama think he's not human?"

Shigezane-sama opens his mouth, and then closes it again, eyes glancing to the side. You wait for him patiently, and after a moment he says, "I don't know all about what happened. I wasn't there, obviously, I must have been six years old at the time, but Kojuro says it was a hard recovery for Masamune. They weren't sure if he'd survive, especially after it took his eye. Yoshihime-sama set up a shrine to ward away evil in his room, and spent all day and all night praying for the demon to leave her son."

"And then, when he recovered but remained blind in one eye..." you start to say, and then trail off.

"Yeah." Shigezane-sama nods. "She really believes that the demon that made her son sick has never left."

You blink up at him, torn between disbelief and compassion. "She really... Believes that?"

"That's what Kojuro and Masamune say, at least, and they know her better than I do." Shigezane-sama awkwardly shrugs one shoulder. "I try not to spend much time around her. She's too traditional. And superstitious, obviously. And, ah, pretty ruthless, when it comes down to it. She's from the Mogami clan, they're kind of intense."

And considering she must have grown up in the midst of uncertain and heated battles being fought all around her and her family, Yoshihime-sama must have learned that to strike earlier is the best way to deal with an enemy. You can accept that, even if the idea of killing a person makes you deeply uncomfortable, but the problem here is that Yoshihime-sama can't tell her enemies from her own son.

"...Hasn't someone tried to talk her down yet?" you ask, a bit too loudly. "I mean, it's been years! And why - why wouldn't Terumune-sama do something to protect his own son, when he was alive?"

Shigezane-sama bites his lip, and you're surprised at seeing such an uncertain expression on his face. "I'm... not sure he ever  _knew_ about it, Yahiko. At least, I know Masamune would never tell him, because I think Terumune-sama would have killed Yoshihime-sama just from that. His pride wouldn't let someone trying to kill his son survive, I know that."

"And Masamune-sama... Does he think he can convince his mother he's not a demon, and get her back?" You're not sure why else your lord would continue to protect someone who keeps trying to kill him, especially considering the vengeance with which he's gone after betrayers in the past. "That seems..." Unwise, you think, but what do you know? Your mother's always loved you, even in the months when she collapsed in on herself after your father's death and you had to carry the family yourself. You don't know what it's like to have a mother and then suddenly have her turn on you.

"Yeah." Shigezane-sama does that awkward half-shrug again. "Kojuro doesn't agree, but he also can't do anything without evidence, and she's too smart to leave evidence. At least, since we realized there was a pattern with the poisonings."

You bite your lip and look down, dragging your toes through the dirt under your feet. The fence is rough under your hands, and you concentrate on that. It's easier than thinking about your lord and his mother, in any case, especially since you're not sure what you can do to help him, especially since it sounds like he might not accept protection easily when it comes to this matter.

Shigezane-sama leans against the fence next to you, staring out over the rice paddies nearby. There's nothing growing there now, since it's winter, so it just looks like empty fields to you. You wonder what Shigezane-sama sees.

After a long silence, he says, "Well. That was, uh, pretty heavy, wasn't it." He turns to give you a grin. "So. Think you can concentrate on staying on your horse now, Yahiko?"

You return the grin with a smile, thankful for the excuse to get out of your thoughts. "Well, when you have room in your brain for more than one thing at once, it's a bit more difficult than it might be for you, Shigezane-sama, but I'll do my best."

You're up on your horse and trotting away by the time Shigezane-sama realizes what you just said. He yells after you, but you just giggle and urge your horse faster.

* * *

Even though you manage to concentrate on your lessons and duties the rest of the day, you can't completely put the problem of Yoshihime-sama out of your mind. You turn the situation over and over in the back of your mind, going from Yoshihime-sama's belief that Masamune-sama is a demon to the fact that Masamune-sama refuses to punish her for her treasonous actions out of some belief that she might realize that he  _is_ her son after all.

Umeko doesn't pull you aside like Shigezane-sama had to, but she does elbow you while you're making Masamune-sama's dinner and ask what's wrong.

"I think I accidentally stumbled into something and I have no idea which way's out," you tell her quietly.

"Is... Does it have to do with the, ah, the  _poisonings_?" Umeko asks, voice dropping to a whisper on the last word.

You nod once, not looking up from the stew you're stirring.

"Ah." Umeko looks down at the rice she's watching. "Well... If you need help..."

You smile, happiness bubbling in your chest. Even though she knows that it's probably dangerous, she still cares enough about you to offer to help. "Thank you, Umeko. If there's anything I think you can do, I'll ask." And you'll keep her away from the rest of it, if you can.

* * *

That night, you take Kojuro-sama his tea tray as usual, but this time you sit down instead of leaving immediately.

"Is something the matter?" Kojuro-sama asks, looking up at you from his papers. He even puts his brush down, which he rarely does these days these days for anyone other than Masamune-sama.

You chew on your lip for a moment, and then you say, "Shigezane-sama told me that Yoshihime-sama keeps trying to kill Masamune-sama because she thinks he's possessed by a hōsōshin."

Kojuro-sama sighs and rubs his eyes with one hand. "Yes. That is true. Even after we removed the blinded eye, she is... remarkably persistent in her beliefs." He sounds about as frustrated with the situation as you are.

"So the eye's been taken out, and she  _still_ thinks he's possessed?" you ask. You tilt your head, considering. "Although... I suppose it's not out of the realm of possibility that the possession could start in the eye and then spread out from there to inhabit the entire body. Like the illness itself?"

Kojuro-sama lowers his hand and raises an eyebrow at you.

Your cheeks heat up. "I'm just trying to fully understand the situation, Kojuro-sama!"

"To indulge your curiosity, or for another reason?" he asks, and his voice is mild but there's a hardness in his eyes that you've rarely seen since the first few days you were here.

He lives his life for Masamune-sama, you remind yourself. Of course he's going to ask why you're so interested in his lord's weaknesses. It's a little disappointing, since you had thought that he trusts you, but you suppose that no one can match up to Masamune-sama for Kojuro-sama.

"I thought I could do more to help him, if I knew what I was protecting him against," you explain calmly. "And if I understand Yoshihime-sama's motives, then maybe..." You trail off and glance down. It's arrogant, you know, to imagine that you can think of something to help that Kojuro-sama hasn't already thought of, but you want to  _help_. You shake your head. "Well, at least I can run interference between then easier that way, Kojuro-sama."

"I see." Kojuro-sama picks up his tea and takes a sip, looking pensive. Then he smiles at you, a spark of mischief in his eyes. "I did wonder if you'd purposely waited until we were in the middle of our conversation to walk in with the tea, on that day. Your entrance was remarkably well timed."

You blush. "I, ah, may have waited outside the doors for a few moments."

Kojuro-sama laughs quietly. "You're picking up the most subtle of your duties as a page already! And to think I was worried about you."

"Well, I may not be great with a sword, but I've got lots of experience interrupting fights before they start," you say wryly. "Once men get a few cups of sake in them, they tend to get a bit belligerent, and it takes some learning to know when to interrupt with a new bowl of umeboshi to stop a brawl form starting."

"It seems running a restaurant helps you learn more political skills than I thought," Kojuro-sama replies.

You give him a grin. "We may not be samurai, but that doesn't mean we're useless."

"No," Kojuro-sama says, looking at you with warm eyes. "Far from it."

Your blush returns, and you glance down. You've been aware that Kojuro-sama is a handsome man - the maids talk about him all the time, like speculation on his social life is a common topic for gossip among them - but it's usually not something you think much about. After all, the time that you spend with him nowadays is usually devoted to him hitting you with a bokken sword or handing you letters and telling you to run fast. But now, at night, as he looks at you with warm eyes and the lamplight plays across his features, you realize that he's really,  _really_ handsome.

"Ah," you say, casting about for something to say that will get your mind off how much you'd like to touch Kojuro-sama's hair or even maybe his chest. "So. Continuing to run interference between them would be... appreciated?"

Kojuro-sama blinks. "Between - ah, between Masamune-sama and his mother? Hm, yes, if you think it's appropriate."

You nod. "If there's nothing more important to be doing, and if I don't get caught?" you say, a little cheekily.

"That's one way to put it," Kojuro-sama says, smiling again. "Now, you should get some sleep. I'll have plenty of letters for you to deliver in the morning." He glances down at his desk, picking up his brush to continue writing.

You bow from the waist, gather up the tea tray, and then hesitate. "The campaign plans must be coming along, aren't they."

Kojuro-sama pauses in his writing. "They are. There are some... difficulties, but nothing that can't be solved with a little dedicated thought."

You nod, biting your lip. "So, we will be leaving soon for battle?"

A pause, and then Kojuro-sama nods. He resumes his writing, and you take that as your final dismissal.

* * *

You still don't understand Yoshihime-sama, but you decide that you don't have to understand her completely, you just have to keep in mind that she thinks... well, that she thinks that she's doing the right thing for her family. But killing a demon masquerading as her son. You guess.

That doesn't mean that you think Masamune-sama deserves to be hurt by her.

So when you see the two talking in the corridor the next afternoon while you're carrying correspondence for Kojuro-sama, you barely pause before you change direction and head straight for them.

"Please pardon the interruption, Masamune-sama, Yoshihime-sama," you say to both of them with a bow, and then you turn to face your lord. "There is important correspondence waiting for you in your rooms, Masamune-sama."

"Is there?" Masamune-sama looks confused. You hope he plays along, because anyone could see he'd slowly been hunching in on himself while talking with his mother, and, honestly, you're really tired of seeing him hurt like that.

You nod, and meet his eyes. "And I believe Kojuro-sama would like to discuss the upcoming campaign as well." You have no idea if that's true, but it's probably true enough, since that's all Kojuro-sama thinks about these days. (Except when you asked him about Yoshihime-sama.)

Yoshihime-sama sniffs delicately. "This is your page, Masamune? He still hasn't learned the proper time to enter a conversation, I see."

You turn to her and bow deeply. "My apologies, Yoshihime-sama," you say very politely. "I have no excuse but inexperience for my actions." Really, it's amazing what lies you can hide in expected politeness.

"And inexperience is no excuse at all," Yoshihime-sama says. "Not when you serve the lord of the Date clan." You can see what Shigezane-sama meant when he said she is way too traditional for him to get along with. You can't imagine she takes well to how he drops honorifics with nearly everyone.

You bow again, saying nothing, and then turn to Masamune-sama with a questioning glance.

He looks back and forth between you and his mother, eye narrowed slightly. You can practically see the thoughts racing in his brain, and you hope he's going to back you up instead of continuing to talk with his mother. If she was saying anything important, she can visit him later.

Finally, Masamune-sama turns to his mother and says, "Please pardon me, haha-ue, I must attend to my duties. If you continue to have complaints over the cleanliness of chichi-ue's memorial, please address them to the head of the castle staff."

He gives her a slight bow and walks off down the hallway. You hurry to give Yoshihime-sama a bow as well before taking off after him. You catch up to him quickly enough, taking up your usual position a step behind him.

When you're a hallway and a half away from Yoshihime-sama, Masamune-sama quietly asks, "Are there really letters waiting for me in my rooms, Yahiko?"

"Ah, you do have a letter from Shigezane-sama requesting your input on desserts," you say.

"Very important correspondence," Masamune-sama says, voice giving away none of his thoughts. "I can see why you interrupted my conversation with my mother."

You bite your lip.

"And I talked about the upcoming campaign with Kojuro this morning," Masamune-sama continues. "He specifically told me to stop worrying about it for the rest of the day."

You wince. It's better to be caught lying blatantly by Masamune-sama than by Yoshihime-sama, because you think that Yoshihime-sama's punishment would be swift and harsh, but you also don't want your lord to be disappointed in you. Kojuro-sama had given you his approval to run interference between them last night, but maybe that had been only if you could do it without Masamune-sama realizing it as well.

The both of you reach Masamune-sama's rooms, and he pauses before entering. You keep you eyes on the ground, waiting for your lord to make his opinion on your actions known. You can see his feet as he turns towards you, and you bite your lip.

Masamune-sama sighs. "I suppose Kojuro put you up to this, Yahiko?"

You look up, surprised. Masamune-sama looks less surprised and more resigned and, maybe, a little grateful? But no matter what, you won't toss Kojuro under the cart alone. Hesitantly, you say, "We... agreed on a certain course of action together, tono."

"Is that so?" He seems slightly surprised to hear that you're just as complicit as Kojuro-sama. You're not really sure why, since you're clearly the one executing the plan.

"We're both concerned about the effect Yoshihime-sama has on you," you say before you can think better of it.

"Ah." Masamune-sama stares down at you, inscrutable as the first night you met him, and you look back as firmly as you can.

Finally, he nods and enters his rooms. Before he shuts the door behind him, he says, "I'll take some tea, Yahiko, as I attend to my very important correspondence."

Once the door is shut, you sag against the wall in relief. Then you go off to the kitchen to make your lord some tea, a smile spreading across your face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So SLBP!Masamune has a very pretty blue right eye, and I was tbh very bummed when I read that he wasn't blind in one eye, just had a case of heterochromia. So I was planning all along to go the historical route and have Masamune lose his right eye to smallpox at age six (although reports differ as to how the eye got out of his skull after that - a famous one is that Katakura Kagetsuna (aka Kojuro) cut it out for him). And then when I researched a bit more about smallpox, I found out that some Japanese families would set up shrines to the hōsōshin (the smallpox demon) in order to appease them when a member of the family fell ill, so I'm kind of fudging stuff together a bit. Yoshihime can be really superstitious and believe that her son's a demon because of the smallpox, not just because he's got pretty eyes.
> 
> Also, yes, Mitsuba-sensei knows _exactly_ how difficult dealing with family (or childhood friends, wink wink) can be.


	12. episode eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which preparations for WAR are finally underway!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey there. Fancy seeing you here. After.... months........
> 
> I'm a) been really busy with my new job, and b) been figuring out how I want to write the next chapter and going forward with this segment, which has involved More Research. So even though this chapter has been done for... months..... I've been sitting on it in an attempt to keep on top of my writing. But I've finally gotten to a point where the next chapter is done enough for me to post this, so yay!

Despite interventions by Kojuro-sama, Shigezane-sama, and yourself, Yoshihime-sama's presence in Yonezawa continues to hang over Masamune-sama like a black shroud even when she's not in the same room as him. You wish that she'd leave, but she stubbornly stays, maybe out of sheer spite, because you can't imagine she actually likes seeing Masamune-sama take the place of her late husband.

It's only because of this stress that you're actually relieved when the war against the Hatakeyama is finally announced. An excuse for Masamune-sama to be apart from his mother for an extended period of time? Excellent!

(And then you realize that war with the Hatakeyama actually means war with the Hatakeyama, and you forget to breathe for a moment.)

Thankfully, there's enough to do that it's easy enough to distract yourself. The announcement sparks a frantic series of preparations all over Yonezawa castle and town as retainers and servants rush to get themselves ready. It seems like people had been anticipating the announcement - after all, Date Masamune is not known to forgive betrayal - but there are only so many preparations one can make ahead of time. It's especially difficult for the kitchen staff and other servants, who all dedicate time to packaging up as much non-perishable food for the seven thousand soldiers of the Date army.

This means rice.

Lots and lots of rice.

At least there's also mounds of spices going onto the supply wagons, so it's not like there won't be a bit of variety to how the rice will be prepared. (As soon as the thought occurs to you, you roll your eyes. Living in a castle with plenty of food available has heightened your standards. Even if you come from a cooking family, there have been the tight winters in the past where making food delicious for your family instead of simply nutritious was a luxury. That's when you learned to always put the customers first, since they're the ones paying.)

You help with the food preparations in the morning, but in the afternoon Kojuro-sama commandeers you for message-carrying. You'd think that all of the letters he wants to send about the campaign would have been sent already, but it turns out that he needs to speak to just about everyone who's in charge of a collection of soldiers. Most of the messages are written out to be read upon delivery, but there are a few that you have to memorize so that there's no written record of them. Those messages are about military strategy, and they don't make much sense to you, but you recite the words as well as you can and hope that the recipients understand them more than you. (As it turns out, they do. Apparently, samurai make a habit of studying military strategy! Who knew!)

By the time dinner time comes along, you're exhausted, and you don't even get to rest now, because it's time to prepare Masamune-sama's supper. You enter the kitchen to organized chaos - there's a feast planned to send off the army, you learn very quickly as you dodge servants and cooks alike. You're so tired that you're tempted to cut corners and just make up a tray for your lord with food prepared by the other cooks, but you don't want to break his trust that way. Instead, you commandeer a small area to cook his food and you stay as much out of the way of the others as possible. You haven't been in a kitchen this busy in a while, and you feel a bit out of practice, to be honest.

(Maybe, in the future, you can spend more time cooking. It would be nice to get back to your roots, no matter how much you enjoy your new levels of usefulness around the castle.)

You finish preparing Masamune-sama's food and the other cooks finish the rest of the feast, and you all take it out and present it. It's all very routine to you by now, but what's new tonight is the level of energy in the main hall. Retainers are talking about the upcoming battle, joking loudly with each other, complimenting the food with a nervous energy you haven't seen from them before. Even the older retainers are affected by it, sitting up straighter and gesturing more forcefully as they talk.

You suppose that not all of them will return to eat another meal in this hall again. The thought makes you lose your own appetite. You stare down at the food on your tray that you know tastes good and will fill you up, but the act of putting it in your mouth and consuming it suddenly seems like too much work with what's going to happen tomorrow.

"Are you alright, Yahiko?" Umeko leans over to ask, eyebrows drawn together in concern. "You'll need your strength for the march tomorrow. Unless you've been relieved of that duty?"

You wish that was true, and you also don't. You don't want to march to war, even if you'll be kept safely away from the fighting, but you can't shake the anxiety that if you don't, you'll never see Kojuro-sama, Masmaune-sama, or even Shigezane-sama again. You know they're all skilled fighters and you have faith in Kojuro-sama's strategies, but you had once believed that your father would always return home safe from battle as well.

"No," you say finally, "I'm still going. I just..."

Umeko bites her lip. "I wouldn't blame you if you were scared," she says, lowering her voice so the other servants around you don't hear. After all, only women are allowed to be afraid of battle. If a man is afraid, he's a coward.

You shoot her a wobbly smile. "I'll be fine. Really." Maybe if you repeat it enough times, it'll start being true.

Umeko looks about as convinced as you feel, but before she can reply, Masamune-sama stands up and a hush falls over the hall. He looks tall and imposing as he stands on the dais looking out over the crowd. He rests his hand lightly on the handle of his katana, and you're struck with the thought that he's probably killed men with that blade before. You shake your head to clear your head of its morbid thoughts.

Masamune-sama stands quietly for a moment, the silence stretching until you feel breathless from it. Then he speaks: "You have followed my father into battle before now, and you have followed me into battle before now. While I hope that you will follow me into battle again after today, none of us will ever follow my father into battle again." He pauses, looking around the hall slowly. Retainers straighten under his gaze as if compelled.

"I am not my father. You know this. I know this. My father knew this," Masamune-sama continues. " And yet... Tomorrow, we begin the march to Nihonmatsu. None of us will ever follow my father into battle again, so I ask you now to follow me into battle, because while I am not my father and cannot be him, I can at least avenge his death. With your help."

There's a stunned silence. It's the most you've heard Masamune-sama speak to his retainers at once.

Then, almost as one, the retainers let out a cheer. The wave of sound is immense, and Masamune-sama looks stunned - but his lips curve into a happy smile, and you find yourself smiling in response.

* * *

When you return to your room after the banquet, you want nothing more than to collapse into bed for the last time before you leave on the march tomorrow morning.

Instead, you're greeted by the sight of samurai armor on a stand by your folded futon, and you pause in the doorway, just looking at it. It's not a full suit of armor - just a dou for your chest and attached kusazuri to protect your upper legs - but it's surprising to see it in your room. You suppose that you're supposed to wear it, as a page for Masamune-sama and Kojuro-sama both, but the idea of putting it on makes you feel cold. You know that you're headed to war with your lord, but if you put on the armor then everything will actually become real.

Putting on the armor means that you might get in a situation where you might need it.

(Putting on the armor means that you might get into a situation where someone else might need it.)

The chest plate is made of bound leather and metal scales, and it's rather beautiful, if you divorce its aesthetics from its purpose. (You suppose it can be seen as beautiful for its purpose as well, because armor is designed to protect its wearer, but you can't completely divorce that purpose from the context of war in your thoughts.) The cords tying the scales together alternate between green and blue, and there are sinuous river-like dragons etched on the shoulder straps. You run your fingers over them, and you wonder who the armor was made for. You're around an average size for a woman, but that makes you a very tiny man, and you don't know anyone who would be around your size and would also be able to give up a set of armor on the eve of battle.

(Although... don't they always call your lord the One-Eyed Dragon?)

You're still running your fingers over the etched dragons when your door slides open and Mitsuba-sensei steps in. You're familiar enough with Mitsuba-sensei and her husband's habits to know that the quiet noise she makes is a courtesy to you, since she's perfectly capable of moving completely silently when she wants to.

"I see Masamune-sama is letting you borrow his old armor for the campaign," she observes, settling down next to you in front of the armor. The candlelight throws shadows across her face, making her impossible to read.

"It's his old armor?" you ask. It's not completely surprising, considering the decorative motifs, but it seems like it's - too much. More than you deserve.

"From his first battle. He hadn't had his growth spurt yet, so he was about the same size then that you are now." There's a tinge of humor in your teacher's voice, and your cheeks redden against your will.

It's not your fault that you're as small as you are! You would wish yourself taller if you could, if only to make your identity here more convincing.

"I didn't realize that you had known him that long, sensei," you say. You know that Kojuro-sama served Terumune-sama before serving Masamune-sama, and that many of your lord's other retainers were inherited, but you didn't know his ninja were as well.

Mitsuba-sensei shrugs, and you think you can see a smile on her face despite the shadows. "When my clan was chased from our home, Oshu welcomed us and gave us a safe haven. Gen, my childhood friend before becoming my husband, was hired out to the Date clan by his village. He was the one that introduced me to Terumune-sama and Masamune-sama. This was, oh, twelve years ago? Masamune-sama was the cutest little thing, running around and getting into trouble with Shigezane-sama." She stifles a giggle. "And Kojuro-sama ran around after them, trying to keep them out of trouble, since he was Masamune-sama's personal attendant."

You grin at the image of a younger Kojuro-sama chasing around a miniature Masamune-sama and Shigezane-sama. "I can imagine Shigezane-sama getting into trouble if you give him a bit of a chance, but Masamune-sama was really that wild? He's so..." Closed-off, aloof, restrained.

"Yes, well, this was before the poisoning attempts started," Mitsuba-sensei says. "He was... less careful then. He didn't have to be."

You bite your lip. To know that Masamune-sama wasn't always as remote as he is now, but was forced to become this way because he could barely trust even the people closest to him... It hits you like a punch in the gut. Your fingers still on the etched dragon shoulder straps. "I hope he can be like that again," you whisper, echoing it in your heart like a prayer. "To be free to enjoy himself."

Mitsuba-sensei lays a hand on your shoulder, and you turn to her, startled. She holds out a tanto, covered in a dark sheath with blue cord wrapped around the hilt. You hesitantly take it, feeling the smooth texture of the lacquered wood under your fingertips. The blade inside must be about twenty-five centimeters at most, but it's still longer than your cooking knives at home.

"I know Kojuro-sama has given you lessons with swords," Mitsuba-sensei says, voice low. "Even so, you may not be given one for the march, or you may be disarmed by an enemy. This is small enough to fit in your sleeve or in an obi, and sharp enough to cut cleanly through skin and muscle. Your men might seek to protect you, but the battlefield is even more dangerous for a woman than it is for men."

You freeze, still looking down at the knife in your hands.

Your teacher sighs. "Yahiko. You may be a convincing enough boy for most people, but I have dressed as a man before, just as my husband has dressed as a woman. I know the signs."

"Are, are you going to, to tell - ?" you stutter, hands shaking a bit. You clutch the tanto tightly in an attempt to stop it. She could, you think, she should tell Masamune-sama and get the lie over with once and for all -

"Why would I?" Mitsuba-sensei asks. "Kojuro-sama knows, and Gen knows, and the three of us trust you. I wouldn't teach you about poisons if I didn't."

Your eyes close, and you find yourself bending over the tanto, curling in on yourself. Your breath hitches, tears forming a lump in your throat. "I'm sorry!" you gasp out. "I don't know why I'm crying!" You really don't; Mitsuba-sensei's trust should take weight off your shoulders! Instead, you feel the weight of her expectations - imagined or real - settle down, one more thing on top of every other responsibility you've placed or had placed upon yourself.

Mitsuba-sensei's hand rubs warm circles into your back in silence as you work to get yourself under control. Finally, you sit back up, scrubbing the wet traces off your cheeks with your sleeves. "Maybe I'm just anxious about tomorrow," you say, and it's not like that's a lie.

"The night before your first mission is always too long and too short all at once," Mitsuba-sensei replies. Her hand continues to rub your back, and you don't know whether to thank her for it or insist that you're fine, she doesn't need to treat you like you're going to break.

"What was your first mission?" you find yourself asking.

Your teacher laughs. "I can't tell you the details, but I went with my friend Kaede to gather ingredients for a medicine. The ingredients were in a rather, ah, inconvenient place, and required some creative problem solving to acquire."

You hiccup a laugh. "Wow, that sounds a lot like you had to fight your way in and out of a castle or something."

"Hm, does it?" Mitsuba-sensei says, voice warm and amused. "I have no idea why."

That sends you into a fit of silent giggles, bending over your lap again as you try to catch your breath. "Now I see why you married Fujibayashi-san! You're just as bad as he is!"

"Excuse you," Mitsuba-sensei protests. "For one thing, I have much better taste!" But she's grinning as well - you can see the paleness of her teeth in the candlelight.

"Well, you are a better teacher," you admit.

"He gets bored very easily," Mitsuba-sensei agrees.

"And goes off to cheat people out of money in card games?" you say, trying to repress another wave of giggles.

Mitsuba-sensei heaves a large, dramatic sigh. "It's better than being cheated out of money in card, games, I suppose."

That just makes the battle to restrain your laughter into a losing one, with the image of Mitsuba-sensei dressed like your mother, berating Fujibayashi-san like he's your average gambler come home too late at night after losing too much money. You double over again, smothering your giggles in the fabric of your yukata to keep from waking up the people sleeping in the neighboring rooms.

"Do you feel better?" Mitsuba-sensei asks after a moment.

You nod, straightening up again. "Yeah." You have a dagger now and armor, and you expect yourself to protect Masamune-sama and Kojuro-sama in whatever way you can, but at least you also have people helping you do it.

* * *

The night passes by too quickly after Mitsuba-sensei leaves. It feels like you went to sleep only to wake up at dawn a moment later, and you resent how the time slipped away. You pack quickly, slipping the armor on over your clothing with only a breath of hesitation; the tanto goes in your sleeve. Breakfast is a hurried affair, eaten standing up amidst preparations for the march out.

The sight of the Date Army assembling is intimidating: rows and rows of armor, swords, and spears, and even some guns, with ranks of horses ready to be mounted as well. The sounds of metal rubbing against metal and lacquered leather fill the air, even drowning out the sounds of men talking. Some of the soldiers joke with each other; some of them farewell women and children who will stay at the castle. You feel terribly displaced amidst all the sound and activity until you catch a glimpse of your lord's crescent helmet.

Masamune-sama stands near the gates, talking quietly with a handful of retainers. You still head towards him, because he's a point of reference in an otherwise foreign situation for you, but when you see Kojuro-sama and Shigezane-sama off to the side talking with each other, you veer off towards them instead. You don't want to interrupt your lord, not when what he's doing looks important.

"Good morning," you greet Kojuro-sama and Shigezane-sama when you reach them. Both of them look as intimidating as the other soldiers, clad in shining metal and leather armor. At least they're not wearing their head pieces yet, so you can see their faces when they turn to you.

"Hey, Yahiko! Looking sharp in that dou. Where'd you get it?" Shigezane-sama says cheerfully, leaning in to squint at your armor. His eyes widen. "Oh, hey, those dragons... Is that Masamune's old armor?"

You nod, biting your lip. It still feels very... familiar, really, to be wearing armor that was made for your lord when he was younger.

"It was the only set I could find on short notice that was small enough to fit and wouldn't be missed," Kojuro-sama says. He looks you over, and you know it's just to check whether or not the armor fits and not because he's admiring you, but your cheeks heat up anyways. He gives you a small smile. "I'm glad to see it has worked out."

You simply nod again, heart caught in your throat because of your stupid, stupid feelings. Yes, Kojuro-sama is attractive, but no, this is not the time to be thinking about it! And has he even given any sign that he would be interested in you? Certainly, he's done a lot for you, but you're sure that he'd do that for anyone in your situation. And it's not like you can even dress femininely to catch his attention... You shake your head, shoving these thoughts into the back of your mind.

"Will we be leaving soon?" you ask.

Kojuro-sama nods, surveying the soldiers with a serious frown. "We're waiting on a few people, but we are nearly ready."

"It's good you showed up when you did, Yahiko, or else we might've had to punish you for being late!" Shigezane-sama says, and he sounds like he might be joking, but you really have no idea if he is. He grins at you, eyes slitting shut, and adds, "Late-comers get latrine duty, which should be considered a form of torture."

You stare at him, and try to remind yourself that he's younger than you, so you shouldn't be this intimidated by him. It really doesn't work.

Kojuro-sama sighs heavily. "Don't put it like that, Shigezane-dono. Latrine duty isn't a punishment."

Shigezane-sama rolls his eyes. "Sure, that's why all the people who break rules around you suddenly get themselves stuck with it."

"...Are you sure you should be talking like this in front of him, then?" you say tentatively. "After all, he might give you latrine duty, right?"

The two men stare at you for a moment, and you feel like taking the joke back, but then Shigezane-sama throws back his head in laughter. It's way more than you think the joke deserves, but a bubble of happiness swells in your chest. You glance at Kojuro-sama quickly, and he's smiling widely as well, and pride blooms along with your happiness, because you put that smile there.

"Yahiko has a point," Kojuro-sama says, mischief in his eyes. "And you wouldn't want to have to waste all of your energy on, ah, punishment latrine duty."

Shigezane-sama stops laughing, his eyes going wide. "Wait, no, you wouldn't really, would you, Kojuro?"

Kojuro-sama raises an eyebrow. "Would you care to find out?"

You stifle a giggle with the palm of your hand. You don't think Kojuro-sama will punish Shigezane-sama, especially when he has no reason to, but he's convincing enough that Shigezane-sama seems genuinely worried about it. It's not often that you're reminded that Shigezane-sama is still a teenager, even younger than Masamune-sama, and sometimes... Well, sometimes he definitely acts like it.

"Why is Kojuro threatening Shigezane with latrine duty?"

You jump at the voice over your shoulder, spinning around to see Masamune-sama standing beside you. "Oh! Masamune-sama, I didn't realize you'd arrived! Ah, Kojuro-sama is seeing how much he can wind Shigezane-sama up before he realizes what Kojuro-sama is doing."

Masamune-sama looks down at you, the corner of his mouth twitching up. "That might be a while. Kojuro is quite a good actor, when he wants to be."

You nod. "Well, I think it'll only last until we make camp this evening, at the latest. Then Shigezane-sama will realize it's empty threats."

"Ah, well, I suppose I'll have to prepare for a day of complaining," Masamune-sama replies.

"I wish you luck," you say, only half joking.

Masamune-sama smiles at you - actually smiles, not just a twitch of his lips - and you lose your breath for a second. Oh no, you think, because that smile is devastating. How dare he do this to you! Your cheeks heat up (again! Why are Masamune-sama and Kojuro-sama both so attractive?), but you can't look away from that smile.

"I'm glad the armor fits you," Masamune-sama says.

"Huh?" You blink, rebooting your brain. "Oh, the armor. Yes! Thank you very much. I heard that it's your old armor, tono." You bow deeply, trying to express all of the gratitude you feel towards your lord.

"...It suits you," Masamune-sama says quietly, and you look up at him. He's still staring at you, rather intensely, actually. Your eyes meet his for a long moment, and then his cheeks redden and he glances away. "I mean, it fits. That's... good."

You blink again. Didn't he already say that? But you nod and agree, and you don't get a chance to ask about it because Shigezane-sama latches onto his cousin and begs him to protect him from Kojuro-sama's wrath.

* * *

The march is long and harder than you had expected. You're used to being on your feet all day and running around, but the terrain makes it harder to walk quickly than the smooth floors of Yonezawa castle and the hard-packed roads of the town. The Date army keeps mainly to the common roads, but your route still lead through mountainous areas. You walk with the other pages in lines behind the samurai lords who get to ride their horses, so at least you have good conversation during the march. One of the other pages is new like you, but the others have been to battle before and seem to understand when you start worrying too much about what's waiting at the end of the march.

(Although, you do get a little worried about how dark some of the jokes your fellow pages tell are. You understand that they're more used to the idea of dying on the battlefield than you are, but you still stare every time one of them makes a morbid joke about it.)

Your feet hurt when you stop and make camp that night. It seems like most everyone's feet hurt, except for the samurai lords that got to ride horses instead of march. You have absolutely no sympathy for Shigezane-sama when he complains about how tired he is at dinner time.

After you serve supper, you finally get to sit down and eat your own onigiri. Since everyone else you know is either busy or in war meetings, you decide to sit with the pages.

"I'm tired of walking," one of them whines. "I just want to get there so I can fight."

"Assuming you can actually fight, and not just trip over your own feet!" another jokes. At least, you think it's a joke, since the first page laughs as well.

You stare down at your onigiri as if it's the most interesting thing in the world, chewing away as fast as you can.

"Hey, Yahiko," says the page sitting next to you. You glance up, meeting his eyes. He looks worried. "Uh, so you work with Masamune-sama, right? And Kojuro-sama. Yeah?"

You chew your mouthful of rice slowly and then swallow. "Uh, yeah. Why do you ask?"

The page bits his lip, wringing his fingers in his lap. "I, uh, I heard some people talking. About how the Hatakeyama have four times as many men as us. Do you, ah, know anything about that?"

Oh dear. Logically, you really are in the best position to know things about this, since you carry correspondence for Masamune-sama and Kojuro-sama, but you can't for the life of you recall anything about it. You memorized all of those tactical messages, and once they were relayed you promptly forgot them. That's probably the best thing you could have done in order to preserve the secrecy of the messages, but you wish you had something you could tell your fellow page now.

"Our lords know what they're doing," you say finally. "Even if we're outnumbered, they have a plan."

The page stares at you, still concerned and desperate, you you return his gaze as solidly as you can. Finally he nods, looks down at his hands, and says, "Yeah. Yeah, they have a plan. It'll be fine."

You hope you didn't just lie to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to AU timeline land! Lots of my timeline and dates are based on real historical stuff (for example, Date Shigezane was historically a year younger than Date Masamune, so even if SLBP says something different I'm going with that). (Does SLBP actually mention ages for, like, anyone?? I don't remember.)
> 
> Why was Masamune staring so intensely at Protag while she's wearing his old armor? Well, let's just say that I think he's about as bisexual as Lee Shang in Mulan.
> 
> SAMURAI ARMOR! So the Japanese cuirass (aka the chest piece) known as dou evolved in the Heian period, when armorers started to use leather (nerigawa) that was lacquered to be waterproof. Iron and steel kozane (the scales the make up the armor) were also used in combination with the nerigawa, with leather or silk laces binding the kozane together. With the introduction of matchlock rifles by the Portuguese in 1543, armor changed to make it more resistant to bullets. The tousei dou ("modern armor") were made of iron plates instead of individual scales, and was inspired by European plate armors - there was even a specific style called nanban ("exotic") dou gusoku, which really emulates the European style. With all this, the kind of dou that I've given to the Protagonist here is actually a bit outdated, since it's still made out of scales and the story's set circa 1585, but I'm excusing that because a) I figure that older styles of armor were still made and used at the time and b) historical fiction.
> 
> Tanto: a short knife carried by samurai, including samurai women. Fun fact - while wazikashi (another short sword, longer than the tanto but shorter than a katana) could be carried by vaguely middle class people, the tanto could only be carried by samurai.


	13. episode twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i don't like war," you say, for the one-hundredth time in three minutes, vastly understating your feelings on the subject.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Welcome back! New year, new resolutions, and one of mine is to finish this fic this year! I have a bunch planned out already, so don't worry about it ever being abandoned, I just sometimes.... get hit by work..... and sleep instead of write.
> 
> I added tags for this chapter: canon-typical violence and minor character death. This is indeed the "war is traumatic" chapter, and in this story the protagonist gets more up close and personal with violence than she does in the average main SLBP route, but it doesn't exceed what falls into a PG-13/T rating.

When your fellow page mentioned that the Date army was outnumbered four to one, that sounded like scary but manageable odds. If every Date soldier takes down (a-ha, hurray for euphemisms) four men, then the entire enemy army will be eliminated, right? Sounds simple and straightforward. Four enemies each isn't really that much, especially if you listen to Shigezane-sama bragging about how he, his cousin, and Kojuro-sama could all take on twenty enemies at once. (Sure, you know that he's exaggerating, but you've also seen him training, and you know he's good.)

What you forget is this: if the Date army is outnumbered four to one, and Masamune-sama leads seven thousand men - then the enemy has over _twenty-eight thousand_.

(That's as many people who live in the castle town around Yonezawa, give or take. Not that you counted them yourself, but Kojuro-sama recently took a census record, since the town is growing with trade.)

The Hatakeyama are allied with the Ashina, Satake, and Soma. Four clans and their combined armies against the Date, who might be strong and capable, but are also somewhat unpopular at the moment. You know Masamune-sama has sent letters to the Mogami - to his mother's family - for aid, but you don't think any answer has come. And really, that's enough of an answer in itself. Silence from an ally means no help coming.

* * *

After only a few days of battle, you now know why your father refused to talk about the times he was conscripted to go to war. You're not even on the front lines like he was - you have the skills to serve in other capacities and, in any case, you're too highly prized by your lords to serve as a foot soldier - and you can't even imagine talking about this with your mother or your brother. They'd listen, and try to understand, but there are just... no words for this. Smoke hangs over the battlefield during the day from musket fire, the beats of the taiko reverberate from both camps, and the cries of men and horses alike stretch to where you're stationed with the support crews. The enemy forces press against the Date army, pushing your soldiers back and back and back -

There is still space between Motomiya Castle and the front lines, still defensive forts in the way, but not as many anymore. The smell of smoke gets stronger each day.

You run between your tasks as a cook, a field medic, and a page for Masamune-sama and Kojuro-sama. You strap their armor on each morning and take it off and clean it each evening when they return, make sure they're fed, and make sure they have soldiers to continue the fight. Mitsuba-sensei's lessons in medicine pay off in spades as you mix together poultices and tinctures and salves to prevent infection and encourage healing.

It's not enough.

Men live under your care, but they also die - of fever, of blood loss, of internal bleeding from trauma. The first time it happens, you don't quite believe it, checking for a pulse over and over. Clearly, you're just making a mistake and you need to find a better pulse point! The man's chest isn't rising anymore, but that doesn't mean anything! One of the other medics has to drag you away and set you to work preparing medications in another tent, to let soldiers clear the body out of the medic's tent to make room for someone who needs the help. You barely talk for the rest of the day, mind blank with the truth of your situation.

Running messages in the early mornings and evenings for Masmaune-sama and Kojuro-sama turns out to be more relaxing than anything else you do, despite how high tempers fly as the Hatakeyama and their allies force the Date back. If you're too slow on your feet, you have to bow and apologize profusely to stressed and angry retainers who waited anxiously just to receive information that they do not like. (You can understand how they feel, but you also wish they _wouldn't_ get angry at the messenger.) Even so, when you're carrying messages, you're not trying and failing to save lives, and the pressure of being a medic slips from your shoulders.

Cooking is a refuge. You don't get to do it as much as you'd like, since you're really only responsible for feeding Masamune-sama and Kojuro-sama, but it's (barely) enough to balance out the stress from everything else. When you're cooking, you're the one in control, and you know exactly what will happen and how to fix anything that goes wrong. Lives aren't on the line if you screw up. Sure, you could still inadvertently poison your lords, but you know everything that passes through your hands and into your pots and then into the bowls on their trays. There's no chance of poison.

Masamune-sama eats better on the battlefield than he did under his mother's watchful gaze in Yonezawa. You're not sure what that says about him or her, so you try not to think about it too hard. After all, it's not a very productive line of thought, and you can only worry so much about so many things these days.

Kojuro-sama, on the other hand, has brought all of his bad habits to the battlefield with him - and more. He eats what you set in front of him, except when he forgets. He drinks what you prepare for him, except when he forgets. He sleeps, _except when he forgets_.

For such a smart man, he forgets a lot of things.

When you tell Kojuro-sama to sleep, he smiles wearily at you and says, "Don't worry about me, Yahiko. I'll be fine."

When you tell Masamune-sama that Kojuro-sama needs to sleep more, he looks guilty and worried all at once, and mutters, "...I'll see what I can do."

When even _that_ doesn't work, you complain about both of them to Shigezane-sama (which you normally wouldn't do, but your eyes sting from the smoke and your legs hurt from running, and you're so worried about everyone -), and he laughs.

Laughs! At you!

"What?" you snap, harsher than you mean, except you can't seem to keep your temper very well now. It just makes Shigezane-sama laugh harder, for some reason, so you bite your tongue and busy yourself with setting out his tea and snacks _perfectly_ _so_  until he gets himself under control.

When he finishes, he says, "Oh, wow, I'm sorry. I swear, I wasn't laughing at you, Yahiko! It's just - welcome to the club!"

You raise your eyebrows at him, sitting back on your heels. "The... club?"

"Yeah! The group of people, you know, who have to deal with trying to keep those two alive and well," Shigezane-sama says, then grins. "An army of two! In a fight against their stupidity!"

You stare at him for a moment, nonplussed. A fight against Kojuro-sama's and Masamune-sama's stupidity...? Well, it is a little fitting, you think to yourself, and you find yourself first giggling and then doubled over laughing. You press your hands to your face, trying to suppress the sounds of your amusement, but each time you get yourself under control, you think about hitting one of your lords over the head with a scroll when they're being stupid, just like a naughty dog. You don't think it would really _work_ , but...

When you finally stop laughing, Shigezane-sama is watching you with a gentle smile. "Looks like you needed that," he says. "You've seemed kind of stressed lately. And it's your first war, so." He pauses, glancing away. "I didn't do too well during my first, either. Cried myself to sleep each night, really."

You bite your lip, not sure how to deal with this sudden confession. You look down at your hands and clasp them together in your lap. "Ah, yes. I did. Need that, I mean." You hesitate. Should you return Shigezane-sama's confession with one of your own? You feel like you should, to show that you trust him as well, but that runs contrary to everything you've been taught about keeping your problems to yourself. You glance up again at Shigezane-sama, take in the weary expression, and you say, "I'm adjusting." It's not even too much of a lie.

Shigezane-sama looks back at you, eyebrows raising in surprise. "Really? You're sure?"

"My talents are useful here, Shigezane-sama," you reply, trying to sound happier about that than you are. "And as long as I can be of use to Masamune-sama and Kojuro-sama, I will adjust to... whatever I need to." If you repeat it enough times, it will become the truth.

"Yeah..." Shigezane-sama studies you, and you hope he doesn't see how uneasy you are about everything around you. Maybe doesn't, or maybe he does, but either way, he just says, "Thanks for the tea and snacks, Yahiko. I know it's not technically one of your real duties..."

You give him a genuine smile. "It's my pleasure, Shigezane-sama." You may not have found a way to get Kojuro-sama to actually sleep, but talking to Shigezane-sama about it helps make the problem seem a little less daunting. An army of two, indeed.

* * *

Even if Kojuro-sama continues to drive himself into the ground thinking up tactics that will reverse the tides and help the Date army push back the Hatakeyama coalition for once, Shigezane-sama and Masamune-sama both step up to help him out. Shigezane-sama is always in Kojuro-sama's room when you bring tea at night, and Masamune-sama calls Kojuro-sama to dine with him. If they eat together, then Kojuro-sama can't forget to eat! You also muster your courage and venture out of the supply camp, spending more time at Kojuro-sama's side and less time (feeling useless) (watching men die) in the medic's tents.

It works. A bit.

If you hadn't been fighting a war against samurai who are _also_ very good at fighting, this probably would have worked to curtail Kojuro-sama's destructive tendencies. The three of you would eventually beat sense into Kojuro-sama's head, he'd start eating and sleeping by his own volition again, and everything would be fine.

But.

There's a reason the Date keep getting pushed back by the Hatakeyama coalition, and it's not just because you've been outnumbered from the start. The opposing generals are good. Not as good as Kojuro-sama, perhaps, but they don't have to be with the amount of soldiers and supplies that they have. Musket volleys are used by both the Date and their enemies, tearing through samurai, foot soldiers, and horses alike. It's a horrible situation, and the worst part is that the four enemy armies support each other, filling in each other's weaknesses. Really, the best way to win - or not even win, just make sure the Date army survives this - is to break the alliance apart.

You hope your lords have an idea of how to do this.

Kojuro-sama and Masamune-sama's strategies have turned from full-frontal assaults to pincer-like attacks, coordinated by the sounds of the taiko and horogai as well as messengers on horses. Masamune-sama stays behind to coordinate battles; you wish Kojuro-sama would stay with him, but he insists on riding out to command one of the pincers. You ride with him, and your presence is usually enough to keep him back far enough from the enemy spears and guns that he hasn't been injured.

Yet.

* * *

The day dawns slowly, sunlight filtering through dark clouds, and you'd pray for rain if you still thought that would stop the battle from continuing today. Apparently, not even mud and rain can stop men from trying to kill each other when they think the other is wrong. At least both sides see enough reason to stop the fighting at night, since it's fairly difficult to kill a man and hold a torch at the same time.

At least, so you assume.

The goal for today is to regain the ground lost over the past three days and reestablish the defensive fort that was evacuated four days ago. You support this strategy, for what it's worth, because there were some bags of rice and medical herbs left behind in that fort that you hope the Date army can reclaim. (The part of you that quivers in terror every time you hear a gun go off too close to you also supports it, because regaining that fort means another defense between you, your lords, and the front lines of the battle.)

Kojuro-sama looks pale and drawn when he emerges from his tent. You wish he wouldn't go out today, but he insists on overseeing his part of the strategy as always. You think Masamune-sama might agree with you, but he doesn't say anything, just gives Kojuro-sama a concerned look when you mount up to lead the troops into battle. You ride behind Kojuro-sama, wearing Masamune-sama's old armor, and you try not to betray how terrified you are. This isn't the first time you've ridden out to support Kojuro-sama, but it's not any easier this time than it was the first.

"Hey, Yahiko, don't look so glum. At least it's not raining!," one of your fellow pages says next to you. He wears the scarf that marks him as a samurai messenger, who will ride through enemy lines to deliver his message. (One week ago, it was another page who rode out with you in his place.)

You automatically glance up at the sky, and then you glare at him. "Don't say that, it's unlucky!"

"Yeah, man, if you call the rain down on us, we'll have to deal with the enemies and the mud," another page says, shuddering theatrically. "I don't know what would be worse!"

The rain holds off, and Kojuro-sama leads your section of the army to the location the Date's pincer attack will start from for the day. The foot soldiers are organized around the musket volleys, with the cavalry held in reserve - hopefully, their charge will cut off and encircle a sizable portion of the enemy foot soldiers so the Date musketeers and foot soldiers can eliminate them. You try not to think about what this means, because if you do, you'll just imagine the agony of the soldiers dying, cut off from their support.

You're here to make sure Kojuro-sama doesn't die, and that's all you can handle at the moment.

The drumming of the taiko sounds from the main camp, and Kojuro-sama sounds the horogai to tell the retainers on his side of the strategy to begin the attack. You close your eyes as the men give war cries, taking a deep breath to try and calm yourself. The noises and smells of battle are much stronger here; it's hard to block them out. In the end, it takes opening your eyes and finding Kojuro-sama to get yourself to calm down.

He'll keep you safe, and you'll do what you can to keep _him_ safe.

The battle goes on. At one point, the messenger you joked with earlier leaves, and then he comes back. He leaves and comes back twice more, carrying Kojuro-sama's spoken orders safe in his memory, and then he leaves and he doesn't come back.

You'd worry about him, except you don't realize until later that he was probably killed, because a unit of enemy cavalry charges into your makeshift camp for the day and you're too busy trying not to die to care about him.

Training with Kojuro-sama and Shigezane-sama didn't prepare you for the terror that comes when facing a mass of enemies far closer than you've ever seen before. The samurai on horses are armed with polearms to reach enemies on foot, and are flanked by foot soldiers to defend the horses from harm.

You freeze in place, terrified at the sight of them.

For a moment, your heartbeat - quick, loud, frantic - is the only thing you hear.

You know you need to _move_ \- they're getting closer! - but your legs feel like they're weighed down by lead.

Faintly, you hear Kojuro-sama yelling something.

An enemy approaches you, wearing a length of fabric with the Soma mon on it tied around their upper arm.

They brandish their sword, blade sharp enough to separate you from life.

And sound crashed back down onto you, and you feel like you can move again. You don't even think about reaching for the tanto that Mitsuba-sensei gave you, you just dive sideways out of the way of the Soma samurai's attack and run towards a tree to put your back to. It won't protect you in the long run, but it will cover you long enough to get your bearings.

The Soma samurai's already fighting another Date retainer, and you feel guilty that you're glad about it. (One of them will die today, you think, and you're happy that it's not you, but you feel like that gladness is wishing death on someone _else_ , and better stuff that to the back of your head to think about later, or maybe never.)

You see Kojuro-sama's banner still raised about the heads of the samurai, and you latch onto it. It anchors you, pulling you out of the frantic current of the panic still threatening to overwhelm you. Because Kojuro-sama is the reason you're here, surrounded by screams and fighting.

You want to protect him, if you can.

Alright.

Step one: get to Kojuro-sama.

Step two: don't die.

Step three: ???

Step four: get both of you to safety.

Well, it's a start.

You run back into the fray, and immediately have to dodge to the side to keep your head attached to your neck. Blood sprays on your hakama, and you distantly register that you'll need to wash them later. You keep going, weaving between battles, reversing sometimes to avoid enemies looking for their next opponent. Finally, you reach Kojuro-sama's standard, and you see your lord as he dispatches an enemy samurai with a deft combination of slices that targets the leg, wrist, and neck in quick succession.

Kojuro-sama turns, surveying the battle around him. He looks more exhausted than he did this morning, face drawn and glistening with sweat. You see the moment he sees you, because he stops and his eyes widen, mouth opening to say something.

He doesn't see the enemy behind him - a foot soldier with a gigantic spear - preparing to cut him down.

You do.

Panic surges in your throat. You run at them, yelling, "Look out! Behind you!"

He blinks at you, then turns - slowly, too slowly - to see the spear coming down at him. Stumbles out of the way. Falls, when the spear slashes through the armor on his leg.

The enemy hauls the spear back up to deliver a finishing blow -

so his torso is wide open when you tackle him to the ground with a cry.

The spear drops to the ground somewhere in the mess. The enemy beneath you bares his teeth at you, reaching up towards your face. You rear back, placing your weight on his torso, and knock his hands away with your forearms. As your enemy wheezes for breath, you grab Mitsuba-sensei's tanto from your belt and jam the blade into the man's neck. Blood spurts out, covering your hand and the blade and the ground and _everything_ and

he gurgles a breath, blood splattering out of his mouth, eyes wide under his helm and

he goes limp under you, arms thudding to the ground by his head, and

you yank Mitsuba-sensei's tanto out of his neck, heartbeat thudding in your ears.

You scramble off him and immediately turn to find Kojuro-sama staring at you like he's never seen you before. You stare back, throat locked up, and then you glance down and see the blood ( _more blood, no no no_ ) on his leg and you jolt into action.

"We need to get you out of here!" you say as you pull bandages out of your armor, kneeling next to your lord.

Kojuro-sama blinks up at you, and then he nods. "Right." He takes out the horogai and lets out three short blasts - the signal for retreat. The flow of battle immediately changes around you, and in the distance you heard the cadence of the taiko changing, ordering a full retreat now that one side of the pincer has fallen.

A soldier comes up beside you just as you finish wrapping Kojuro-sama's leg, and you almost attack him until you see the Date-green scarf that he wears. He helps you get Kojuro-sama up, holding the weight between the two of you, and the three of you stumble off in the direction of the horses. Enemies continue to try and attack Kojuro-sama, but the Date soldiers swallow the three of you up, putting a wall of at least two bodies between you and an enemy spear at all times.

You get Kojuro-sama on a horse; your helper pushes from one side while you pull from the other. The horse is amazingly well-trained, and mostly stays in place throughout the chaos and rough treatment. You hope it stays alive to get Kojuro-sama back to safety. It's not armored, just like the other horses, and horses fall easily to well-aimed bullets, arrows, and spears. You didn't know that until recently, but now you're paranoid about the fact.

When you try to urge the horse into motion, Kojuro-sama grips your sleeve and won't let go. You look up to meet his wide eyes in a pain-marked face. He says, "Get on, Yahiko. You can't - I won't... We're going back together. That's an order."

You wonder fleetingly if he feels responsible for you because you're a woman, or if it's because he's grown fond of you. Either way, you nod. No time to argue, and if it'll get your lord to safety faster, then that's fine. You look over your shoulder for another horse, but Kojuro-sama tugs insistently at your sleeve. He seems dangerously close to leaning down and trying to haul you up next to him on his horse, despite his injuries, so you mentally throw your hands up and scramble into the saddle in front of him.

Kojuro-sama reaches for the reigns, but you swat his hands away without a thought - your head echoes too much with the sounds of battle for you to _think_ \- and grab the reins yourself. The soldier who helped you is gone - retreating, hopefully, not dead - and you turn the horse to follow.

It's faster going than on foot, but with two grown humans in armor weighing the horse down, you're not going at top speed. Kojuro-sama sags against your back, letting out little huffs of pain when his leg is jostled. You breathe in and out and try not to die.

* * *

You make it back behind allied lines, riding the horse all the way up to the medic's tents. You dismount first, and then help Kojuro-sama off the horse, grunting as his weight falls on you fully for a moment before two medics run up to take him off your hands.

You stare after them, static filling your mind again now that your task is complete. There are too many things to do. You need to return the horse to the stables, you need to clean your armor, you need to scrub the blood off your clothing, you need to prepare food for Masmaune-sama, you need to...

Something.

Your hands shake, so you close them into fists and you carefully don't think about how you killed a man today, and you start completing the list of useful tasks that you can do.

* * *

The blood washes out of your hakama easily enough. You have experience getting blood out of cloth, and there's time enough to leave the bloodied hakama to soak while you attend to your other duties. You avoid the medic tents, joining the men cooking rice for dinner instead.

It feels more productive than - well, than most other things at the moment.

By the time you prepare Masamune-sama's meal and go to take it to him, your hands have stopped shaking and you've stopped rubbing at them, trying to get imaginary blood and dirt off.

He looks at you with concern when you set out the dishes, and he opens his mouth as if to say something, but then one of his generals calls his attention back to planning the Date army's defenses, and you escape without having to reassure him that you're fine.

(To lie to him.)

It's long been dark when one of the medics stops by the kitchen tents (you're scrubbing pots and your hands both in a bucket of once-hot water) and tells you that Kojuro-sama is fully stabilized and has been given a room in a nearby Buddhist temple, to make sure he doesn't over-exert himself in his recovery. You barely wait until the words are out of the medic's mouth before you're rushing out of the tent, tripping over your feet to bow to them as you go.

Candles are lit at the shrine, and your knock is answered by a sleepy-looking boy who shows you to Kojuro-sama's room without question. You hover outside the door, suddenly nervous. You're not entirely sure why you came here. Kojuro-sama is important to you, yes, and today you ki - you acted to protect him, yes, but you've been told he's safe. Surely that's enough?

Besides, it's night. He must be sleeping. Coming here was a stupid impulse, just you trying to put off going to sleep yourself. (You think you know what you'll dream about tonight, and you don't want to see that again.)

You place a hand on the wooden beam in front of you, leaning your forehead against it and breathing deep. You close your eyes. The sounds of the shrine late at night are quiet: wood creaking gently, people turning over in their sleep, someone elsewhere in the temple reciting sutras. It's funny; the temple is fairly close to the main Date camp, but the sounds here are so different from what the battle earlier today sounded like.

_the taiko beat -_

_men shout -_

_the man takes a gurgling breath -_

You shake your head to get rid of the memories. Focus. The creaking, the shuffling, the recitation, the low voice speaking inside Kojuro-sama's room -

_What?_

You shove open the sliding shoji screen door and throw yourself into the room. The room is dark; there's a circular window in the wall opposite the door that lets in some light, and flickering candlelight from the hallway spills in behind you, but it's not enough to distinguish anything more than the shape of a man lying on a futon and another man crouched over him. The man on the ground has to be Kojuro-sama; the man crouching over him....

An enemy?

Trembling, you reach for Mitsuba-sensei's tanto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taiko: drums! They were used to signal strategies in battle, mainly general things like retreats and charges.  
> Horogai: a conch shell! Used for the same thing as that taiko, and in combination with them.
> 
> One of the reasons why this chapter took so long to write was because I got caught up doing lots of research on samurai military tactics, because tbh I didn't feel qualified hand-waving that away. Fun fact: Japanese horses at the time were smaller than European counterparts, and they usually weren't armored, so the European cavalry charges that we see in movies definitely wouldn't have worked the same way in Sengoku Era battles. Also, I know so much more now about Japanese warrior literature, and wooooow there's so much queer (from a modern perspective*) stuff in there! Sometimes I worry about making things historically inaccurate with regards to attitudes on Queer Themes TM, and then I remember that people have been people forever and, anyways, it's not like the SLBP writers don't set these things up on their own.
> 
> Also, this chapter.... spiraled a bit out of control at the end. I know that SLBP keeps the protagonists away from the fighting, when when they've gone to battle along with their warlords, but I wanted my protag to get a little bit more into the action, and then, uh, she straight up killed a man. Whoops. Originally, she was just going to carry messages, but then my apparent need to traumatize my characters won out. But don't worry - if you don't like your protags fighting and killing people, MC here isn't suddenly going to turn into an Action Hero. I mean, if you've never really trained to fight until the last few months, and you're suddenly thrown into battle and kill a person, you're not going to want to do it again unless you're forced to, amirite?


	14. episode thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares suck! Samurai are confusing! Ninja are confusing! But hey, you equip one (1) book, so that's something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO HELLO, LONG TIME NO SEE! Thank you all for your reviews! I read them all and appreciate them all, even if I don't reply very quickly.
> 
> I'm still absolutely working on this story, this chapter was just, uh, a bit of a doozy. Longest word count so far. The characters just kept saying and doing things and throwing my outline completely off! But this arc will be wrapped up in another two chapters (and you'll get another ~intrigue surprise~ as well!), even if they might be long as well. I don't have the last arc planned out as clearly, but I definitely know where I'm going with it, so don't worry about it being abandoned. I'm gonna finish this fic come hell or high water, and the promise of Kojuro's Act 2 coming out just motivates me more!

Several things happen in very quick succession.

First: You say, "Step away from Kojuro-sama!" and reach for Mitsuba-sensei's tanto.

Second: The couching figure straightens up.

Third: The black lump you assume is Kojuro-sama says, "Yahiko, don't!"

Fourth: The enemy leaps at you.

Fifth: Your hands fumble as you take out your weapon, and the tanto drops to the ground whent he enemy reaches you and grabs your wrist.

To be honest, you don't remember the precise order of the next series of events, but it ends with you on your belly, on the ground next to Kojuro-sama's futon, hands tied behind your back, the wind knocked out of you.

Kojuro-sama says, "Yahiko, what are you -? Ah, Genya, get a candle, and _close the fucking door_."

"I would never have thought of that myself, thanks," the ninja (is that _Fujibayashi-san?_ ) says, but fetches a lit candle from the hall and closes the sliding shoji behind him when he comes back in.

You wheeze and turn your head to look at Kojuro-sama. You want to say something, but you can only stare at him with wide eyes. He looks terrible, even worse than he did the last time you saw him, and considering when and where that was, that's saying a lot. His face is pale, even in the flickering light of the candle, and the bags under his eyes only get deeper with the shadows.

And he still looks concerned - for you, it seems, not himself. "Why are you here? Is there something wrong?" Kojuro-sama asks urgently, and you amend that thought: he's concerned about whether or not you've been sent with a message about Masamune-sama, and whether or not _he's_  alright.

For some reason, the realization sinks in your stomach like a cold weight. Then you tell yourself you're being silly. Of course Kojuro-sama cares for Masamune-sama above all others; you've known that since the first day you saw them together. To hide your inexplicable reaction, you wiggle onto your side and then up into a kneeling position to face the two men. Your arms are still tied behind your back, so it's awkward but manageable.

"No, there's nothing wrong," you finally tell Kojuro-sama. "Masamune-sama is fine. I just came... to see if you needed... anything." The words sound feeble as they leave your mouth, and you look down, digging your fingernails into your palms behind your back.

"Anything like a knife in the back?" Fujibayashi-san asks, sounding disinterested.

Your head jerks up and you glare at him, incensed. "How _dare_  you?" you hiss, rising up off your heels. "You - you're the only reason I took it out! _I thought you were trying to kill him!_ "

Fujibayashi-san seems unimpressed. "And where'd you get the knife? None of us gave it to you."

You gape at him, lost for words in your fury for a moment, and then you say, "Your _wife_  gave it to me!" You'd say more, but the thought of Kojuro-sama hearing you use stronger language keeps the words on your tongue instead of tripping off it.

"Genya. Please. I believe Yahiko." Kojuro-sama's voice leaves no room for argument. "She... saved my life today."

You dart a glance at him, but his face reveals nothing, and he's looking at Fujibayashi-san, anyways, not you. For a second, you remember how he looked at you when you turned to him with blood on your hands, and you look away, clenching your jaw at the memory.

"Fine, fine," Fujibayashi-san sighs. He ambles over and settles down next to you. You edge away slightly, and then jerk away more when he reaches for you. He raises a sardonic eyebrow. "What, you don't wanna be untied, Yahiko-chan?"

You blush angrily, clenching your jaw against all the names you'd like to call him. "Fine," you say stiffly, and turn to give him access to the ropes. You can't follow his motions just by touch, but a moment later the ropes fall away from your wrists and you bring your arms around in front of you to rub at them.

Kojuro-sama sighs heavily, running his hand over his face. "If that's settled... It's late. You should leave, Yahiko. Make sure not to tell anyone about this."

"I won't," you promise. You bow and stand to leave, but pause before opening the door. You stare at the screen, worried that if you turn around to look at Kojuro-sama again you'll see him on the ground in the mud again. "You should sleep as well, Kojuro-sama. You need it more than me."

There's a moment of silence during which you can hear the rustle of sheets as Kojuro-sama moves. Then: "Be careful as you head back, Yahiko."

It isn't an agreement, and you know your lord well enough by now not to take it as one, but it's the best you'll get tonight.

* * *

You're back in the makeshift battle camp from this morning. Except this time, the sky is the dark grey of a thunderstorm, shot through with a bloody red. Kojuro-sama stands before you, and that nameless enemy who cut him down stands behind him, spear raised. You open your mouth to warn your lord, but no sound comes out - _no, no, no no no_ \- and he falls this time, eyes open as he stares at you.

Then you're on top of your nameless enemy, your nameless victim, your tanto in his neck again and blood spurting out all over everything. He gurgles his last breaths, blood dripping from his mouth. Unlike the first time this happened, you linger, looking at the blood coating your hands and dripping from his mouth and neck. You get the impulse to remove his helmet, so you do, and -

It's your father that you killed.

* * *

You wake up suddenly and silently, hands clenched in your bedding as if around a weapon. You pant for breath, heart beating as quickly as it did on the battlefield.

It's been years since you've seen your father's face, in dreams or in real life. Time has made it fuzzy around the edges in your memory, the jawline not quite right but not quite wrong, the ears perhaps shaped incorrectly and the forehead a little too large, but how could you tell? Even so, there are some things you will never forget about him - his eyes, always bright and warm in life, framed by laugh lines and sparkling with the enjoyment of a good meal - and seeing the life drain out of him under your hands is -

_Well_.

Your nameless enemy might have - or have _had_ , rather - a family. A wife, maybe a son, maybe a daughter. He was probably given a battlefield burial, like your father. Maybe his family will have to grieve over words instead of a body, like you and your mother and Yahiko did. It's all too easy to imagine a faceless family clustering together, crying over the man you killed yesterday whose name _you don't even know_.

You're crying as well now, tears leaking out of tightly shut eyes. You muffle your quiet sobs in your pillow, curling up into a ball under your covers.

You have things to do, but it's not dawn yet. You can allow yourself this time.

* * *

Dawn comes before you're out of tears, but you've wasted enough time on your (unearned) grief already, so you get dressed, splash cold water on your face, and go out to do what needs to be done. It's easier than you expected, really, because for everyone else it's just another day of war, and no one knows that you - _well_. No one has any reason to think the day is any different for you, so no one asks you about it, and because of that, you're able to paste on a smile and do your duties as usual.

Or, at least, you try to.

You make breakfast for your lords and deliver it. Masamune-sama's meal is easy, since he stays in the main camp always. Kojuro-sama's meal is a little more difficult, but the walk to the temple isn't strenuous. He doesn't let you in when you knock, but you leave his food next to his door and ask a temple page to remind him about it later. Maybe he isn't awake yet; you kind of hope he isn't, because that means that Kojuro-sama has been actually _sleeping_.

Messages need to be sent, so you run them around like a good page. Masamune-sama looks at you like he wants to say something, but he doesn't. (You're grateful for this, because it means that you don't have to tell him that you don't want to talk about it - if _that's_ what he wants to talk about, at least.) Kojuro-sama opens the door for your messages, at least, but dismisses you promptly after you give them.

"I'll send a temple page with a response," he says the first time absently. His mind is clearly already far away, eyes fixed on the papers heaped on the travel desk someone brought him. (Someone who wasn't you, even though that's supposedly _your_ job.)

You press your lips shut against all the words you have. You know you're not supposed to talk or ask about what Fujibayashi-san was doing in his room last night, but that's not the only concern you have when your lord is clearly intent on working himself to death even when _you_ made sure the enemy -

_Well_.

You leave each time he dismisses you, but your urge to toss a cup of cold tea in his face grows with each refusal to even _look_ at you.

"I need help saving Kojuro-sama from his own stupidity," you say to Shigezane-sama when you pass him in the main camp. He's probably busy, but everyone here has too many things to do, yourself included, so you might as well let him know that one of his friends is being _difficult_. "He's still overworking himself, and he doesn't want to see me, so maybe you can do something."

"What, like steal his work?" Shigezane-sama asks with that crooked smile that means he's mostly joking. "I think that he has plans in place for that sort of thing already."

"You never know," you reply. "You might catch him by surprise!" You turn to go help prepare lunch, but Shigezane-sama reaches out and stops you. You turn back and give him an inquisitive look.

Shigezane-sama peers at you intently, eyebrows drawn together in concern. "Are you okay, Yahiko? I know you were there yesterday, with Kojuro... It can't have been -"

"I'm - fine," you interrupt, giving a pressed smile to reassure him. After your dream last night, you want nothing more than to avoid the subject of what happened yesterday. It's much easier to concentrate on Kojuro-sama's well-being than... other matters. You draw away from Shigezane-sama and give him a shallow bow. "Please excuse me. I need to help with dinner."

You turn and leave before he can call you back, and hope he'll find other things to worry about before you see him next.

When the food is prepared, you bring Kojuro-sama his meal first, because the light is fading and you don't want to be out of camp in the dark. His door is open when you arrive, but he barely glances up when you announce yourself.

"Just set it over there, Yahiko," he says coolly. "Then return quickly to the main camp."

Even if that's what you had _intended_ to do in the first place, Kojuro-sama's clear dismissal of you makes your cheeks redden with anger. You very carefully set his tray down, bow to him with all the proper etiquette, and slide the door softly closed when you leave, wrestling your emotions down ruthlessly.

Outside, the sky is darkening quickly, but you pause outside the temple before heading back to the main camp. You're still angry at Kojuro-sama, and you're angry at yourself for being angry at him. Honestly, you've dealt with people worse than this, you don't know why his sudden surliness bothers you so much! Except those other people were usually customers (and the magistrate...), so you didn't really _care_ about them, not like you care for Kojuro-sama.

Everything would be easier if you weren't so _tired_ as well. You're sure that Kojuro-sama must just be stressed and busy, like everyone else, but after a day of work on very little sleep, his behavior grates at you in ways you're sure it wouldn't normally.

* * *

The further darkening of the sky matches your mood as you make your way back to the main camp. You silently prepare Masamune-sama's tray and bring it to his tent, prepared to get another awkward look from your lord like you had that morning and noon. As long as he doesn't make you talk about yesterday and lets you escape without thinking about what you've - well. Masamune-sama can give you as many awkward looks as he wants, as long as he doesn't make you think about that.

Instead, Masamune-sama looks more certain when you enter his tent than he did earlier in the day, and he tells you to stay after you set out his meal. You settle back on your heels in front of him, both curious and reluctant to find out what your lord has been meaning to tell you all day.

Masamune-sama's silent for a moment, and you wonder if you'll be sent away without answers, but then he straightens a little and looks at you, single green eye intense. "I spoke with Kojuro about what happened yesterday," he says, and your heart skips a beat, hands clenching into fists on your knees. Masamune-sama glances down at them, and then looks back at your face and continues on. "I won't make you talk to me about what happened. Everyone deals with their first real battle in a different way, and Shigezane mentioned that you didn't want to talk to him earlier."

He pauses, and your shoulders start to relax, anxiety unwinding. _He won't make you talk about it_.

"I want you to know that you _can_ talk to me, if you want," Masamune-sama says. The look in his eye softens. "Kojuro helped me after my first battle. My father... was busy with his duties as head of the Date clan, and so I spent more time with Kojuro than anyone else at that time, even Shigezane."

This is the first time that you've heard Masamune-sama mention his father since Terumune-sama's death. It makes you smile a bit, to hear him open up on the subject, and he smiles back at you. Then he reaches for something next to him and holds it out to you.

It's a thick _orihon_ with heavy paper covers dyed a deep blue. The title is written on a rectangle of cream parchment glued to the front cover: _Yoshitsune to Benkei Monogatari_. The characters inside are written in a neat hand, easily recognizable and legible, although there are some scribbles in the margins in a much less practiced hand. "The story of Yoshitsune and Benkei..." you murmur, peering closer at one of the marginal notes. Does it resemble Masamune-sama's handwriting, or is that just you...?

"Kojuro gave it to me," Masamune-sama says. "I loved the stories as a child, and being able to read them whenever I couldn't sleep... The close bond between Yoshitsune and Benkei, lasting through every obstacle save death, reminded me what I fight for. I hope it can help you as it helped me."

You look up, eyes wide. "You're giving this to me? Isn't it your private copy?"

Masamune-sama looks to the side, cheeks turning pink for some reason. "Ah, yes. But... I want you... I mean, I think you need it. More than me right now."

Warmth blossoms in your chest and you hold the book close. You bow deeply. "Thank you, Masamune-sama. I will treasure your gift and take very good care of it."

"Please, don't stand on ceremony," Masamune-sama mutters, sounding embarrassed. When you straighten up, you can see the pink in his cheeks has deepened, an he still refuses to look at you.

You smile, amused to see your lord acting so shy, blushing over receiving gratitude for a kind gift. With everything that has happened, you tend to forget that Masamune-sama is a year younger than you are. Seeing him embarrassed is almost like another gift, showing that he trusts you enough to drop his emotional guard. "Even so, my lord, I thank you," you repeat.

Masamune-sama nods. He fingers the cup of sake that you brought with his meal. "I'm... glad, actually, that you're taking care of Kojuro so well," he says quietly. He looks more pensive than glad, but you take him at his word. "He needs someone to care for him. And he has... experience... that I do not. He can teach you more things."

What? You frown at him, utterly confused. Okay, Kojuro-sama does need someone to remind him to _eat and sleep_ , and he's also older than both you and Masamune-sama, so he has more experience. But also: _what?_

"Kojuro-sama does need someone to remind him to take care of himself," you say cautiously. "I am happy to be that person, as much as Kojuro-sama allows it."

Masamune-sama glances up, then looks back down and nods. His lips thin, and then he wipes all traces of that emotion off his face, replacing it with his usual serious demeanor. "That's good," he says, nodding again. "Should you wish... I mean, if he needs more of your time than you're currently giving him... I can... release you... from your other duties."

You rock back on your heels, even more confused now. First Masamune-sama gives you a gift, and now he offers to _dismiss you from his service_? "Have I done something wrong, Masamune-sama? Are you displeased with me in any way?"

"No!" Masamune-sama says loudly, looking right at you, eye wide. "No, it's not that. You're performing admirably, Yahiko." He pauses, pressing his lips together. "I just thought..." He trails off, looking to the side again.

Maybe he feels that Kojuro-sama needs more attention, since he's wounded. That would make sense, and you agree, especially since Kojuro-sama seems still intent on working himself to exhaustion. Masamune-sama must be very concerned about him, you think, and with good cause. "Please don't worry, Masamune-sama," you say. "While Kojuro-sama needs more help now than usual, I enjoy my other duties." You give him a mischievous smile. "You certainly appreciate my food more than he does, most of the time!"

Masamune-sama's cheeks redden again and he looks down at the meal you brought him. "I... do appreciate your food, Yahiko," he says, very softly.

Your smile widens into a happy grin. Warmth blossoms in your chest again, chasing away the cold confusion from a moment ago. You love seeing people enjoy food that you've made for them, and Masamune-sama's enjoyment is even more special, considering his previous problems with eating. "Then I will leave you to it," you say and leave the tent with a bow, clutching your new book to your chest.

Outside, you pause in the darkness for a moment, breathing in the chilly night air. Talking with Masamune-sama resolved something for you: your lord expects you to take good care of Kojuro-sama, and so that's what you need to do. Today was a bad day, but tomorrow will be better.

With a spring in your step, you head back to your tent to sleep.

* * *

Despite your hopes, you sleep poorly, waking with your father's blood on your hands. Instead of lying in your tent, you go out and shakily open _Yoshitsune to Benkei Monogatari_ and read as much as you can by the light of the camp fires left burning. After a few pages, you've calmed down; after a few more, you think you can sleep again. And when you go back to your bedroll, you maybe dream - but at least you don't remember it in the morning.

* * *

Kojuro-sama is even colder to you today than yesterday, but you refuse to let it affect you. His face is even paler and more drawn now, and the circles under his eyes have darkened. The piles of papers by his futon have grown, evidence of the work he insists on doing despite his injury. You greet him cheerfully and offer to sort out his papers while he eats, which he turns down curtly. You offer to check on his wound, since the pain might be what's making him so angry, but he just snaps at you to leave.

You do.

You leave again after you bring lunch, and again after dinner, and when you bring tea at night.

You sleep poorly - _there's blood everywhere, why is there so much blood_ \- and you make your way through more of _Yoshitsune to Benkei Monogatari_. (There are certain characters that you don't recognize, and you'd like to ask someone about them, but Masamune-sama's busy, you haven't seen Shigezane-sama all day, and with how Kojuro-sama is acting... You could ask another page about them, but the thought of explaining how you got it to one of them feels awkward and unappealing.)

Getting out of bed is difficult in the morning, but you splash yourself with freezing cold water and it wakes you up enough to make it to breakfast. After that, the food in your belly and the constant activity keeps you from dozing. Masamune-sama asks if you're feeling well as soon as he sees you bring in his breakfast tray, but you summon up your best smile and tell him that you're fine. He clearly doesn't believe you, but you slip out when one of his retainers comes in asking about their next military maneuvers.

Kojuro-sama doesn't even look at you when you deliver breakfast, let alone ask how you are, and you pretend that it's okay. He's busy, right? (You offer to look at his wound, and he tells you to return to your duties.)

You see Shigezane-sama from a distance that afternoon, and his bright grin and wave manages to lift your spirits enough that you're no longer drowning, just swimming in _really_ rough waters. And then nighttime comes, and you toss and turn on your futon before falling into dreams that mutate from cutting your father's throat to cutting Kojuro-sama's throat to cutting your brother's throat to cutting Masamune's throat to --

Huddling next to the fire, puzzling out unfamiliar characters in _Yoshitsune to Benkei Monogatari_ is just easier than staying in your sweat-soaked futon. You stay out longer than you mean to, and when you stumble back to your bed in the pre-dawn hours, you fall into a dreamless sleep that leaves you waking up late and _still_ feeling exhausted. (Masamune-sama doesn't believe your lies any more today than he did yesterday, but you take advantage of his how busy he is to slip out and avoid his questioning.)

You almost expect Kojuro-sama's coldness by now. Three days prove that it's not just pain that makes him curt with you, so you start to accept that you actually _really messed up_ when you interrupted his meeting with Fujibayashi-san the night of the battle. You didn't mean to do it, but that clearly doesn't mean anything, because Kojuro-sama's angry with you anyways.

You drag your feet as you head back to the main camp from the temple, feet on the ground as you kick at the rocks and dirt. Then someone clears their throat, startling you out of your depressing thoughts. You spin around, peering through the trees to see who's there.

"Up here," a bored voice says.

You look up. No one's there, so you spin around.

Fujibayashi-san sits on a thick tree branch ten feet off the ground, looking as relaxed and bored as if he was lying in bed back in Yonezawa. But he's a ninja, so you figure he's used to strange places. He's fiddling with a knife, eyes half mast.

"Ah, Fujibayashi-san," you say awkwardly. "I, uh, didn't see you there."  You want to kick yourself as soon as the words leave your mouth.

The look he gives you is full of judgement, and your face heats up. You try to think of something else to say to improve his opinion of you, but before you can, he says, "You're persistent, aren't you."

It's not a question, and it's also not what you were expecting from him. "Thank... you?" you reply, not sure if it was a compliment or not.

Fujibayashi-san snorts. "No wonder my wife likes you. Both of you, always taking the hard road."

You shuffle your feet, taking a nervous glance around. "Is there... something you need, Fujibayashi-san?"

There's a muffled thump as Fujibayashi-san drops off the tree branch, landing on the ground in a crouch. He rises and walks over to you, still tossing the dagger in one hand. Suddenly, you notice that he's taller than you, even in his usual lazy slouch. Your shoulders tense up, and you shift one foot backwards, turning your body slightly sideways to present a narrower target. Just in case.

Fujibayashi-san snorts again and stops several paces away from you, sheathing the dagger and holding up his empty hands afterwards in a pointed gesture. "So distrustful, _Yahiko-chan_."

You bite your lip, not quite willing to apologize, if only because you're still a little bitter about him tying you up. "If you don't need anything, I'll leave first."

"Actually, I do want something," Fujibayashi-san says. He tilts his head, raising his chin in a manner you'd call _challenging_ if it was anyone else in front of you. "Call it repayment for teaching you, back then."

Laughter bubbles out of you. "That was what you call teaching? Wow, I'd hate to be your student for real!" He only supervised your struggles with medical texts for three days, but you remember his disinterest in helping you well. You fight your laughter down, covering your mouth to stifle the sound. When you can talk again, you ask, "What do you want me to do?"

Fujibayashi-san raises an eyebrow. "Just like that? And you were so defensive a moment ago."

You shrug. "You put away your knife." And he wants a favor, which is pretty hard for you to follow through on if you're dead.

For a moment, Fujibayashi-san's expression changes, his eyebrows drawing together - in what? Concern? Not likely, you think - before smoothing back out into his usual bored disinterest. "Whatever. All this work Kojuro-sama's got me doing has me too tired to argue with idiots like you."

Your eye twitches. You want to say something clever and cutting in return, but four nights of nightmares weigh down your brain. "I'm sorry for your suffering, Fujibayashi-san," you say instead, keeping your tone dry and unimpressed.

Fujibayashi-san stares at you, eyebrows raised.

You stare back, waiting for him to get to the point.

Finally, he groans. "Ugh, aren't you going to ask what Kojuro-sama has me doing that's so secret?"

You bite your lip and look away. You want to, but you promised Kojuro-sama... But if Fujibayashi-san is here, basically _inviting_ your questions, that should be fine, right? You look back, meeting his eyes. "Alright. What has he ordered you to do, Fujibayashi-san?"

"Obviously nothing that I can tell you," he says, which almost makes you hit him in anger. But then he continues, "But I _can_ say that he doesn't pay me enough to do the job of _two people_. No one person can be in _two places at once_."

At first, you have _no idea_ why he's telling you this. Didn't he want to ask you for a favor? But then your tired mind turns his words over a few times, and you realize:

_Two_ people. _Two_ places.

There were _two_ people in Kojuro-sama's room when you interrupted them.

But only _one_ of them is well enough to do any sort of sneaking around at the moment.

"I think I understand, Fujibayashi-san," you say. The rusty gears of your exhausted mind whirl - what's the best way to solve this? Whatever Kojuro-sama has been planning with Fujibayashi-san, it needs _two people_ , and if Fujibayashi-san has contacted you instead of, say, Mitsuba-sensei, that means that you're the closest one who can help. But how? If Kojuro-sama wanted Masamune-sama or Shigezane-sama to know, they'd be the ones talking to Fujibayashi-san right now. And otherwise, what can you do? You can't offer much, just -

Yourself.

You might be a novice at fighting compared to Kojuro-sama, but at least you can _walk._

The ninja is gone when you look up again, but that's fine. You know what you have to do.

* * *

You don't have the ingredients to make any of Kojuro-sama's favorite recipes, but you _do_ have the ability to mix a combination of tea and pain relief medication together to bribe him with. The proportions of tea to willow bark are a little tricky to get right, since willow bark tends to overpower lighter flavors, but when you taste a small sip after you finish brewing, it tastes alright.

And so you carry your bribe over to the temple, walking slower than necessary in order to think about what you want to say once you get Kojuro-sama's attention. Fujibayashi-san is still gone when you pass by the section of path where you talked, and you hope he's not inside with Kojuro-sama. You're not sure if he would take your side in front of his employer, and you don't want to remind Kojuro-sama of why he's angry at you while you're convincing him to let you help him with whatever dangerous plan he's caught up in.

The temple page that greets you is yawning as he takes you through the halls to Kojuro-sama's room, and you catch yourself wanting to do the same. Tiredness is catching, and you figure that you're already at a disadvantage, with how poorly you've been sleeping. The temple page leaves you in front of Kojuro-sama's door and, just like on the night after that horrible battle, you hesitate.

You still don't know what you're going to say to Kojuro-sama to convince him to let you help. But you know that you have to say _something_ , and that you can't leave that room tonight without making him agree with you.

But if you wait until you know what you want to say, you'll be waiting outside his door forever, so you might as well suck it up and go inside.

Two lamps are still lit, one on either side of Kojuro-sama's futon. He's sitting up, hunched over his travel desk, papers scattered across its surface and the floor around him. He looks horribly tired, and not just because the flickering light deepens the shadows on his face.

"Your tea, Kojuro-sama," you say.

"Set it down over there," Kojuro-sama says, voice distinctly cool, not glancing up at all but gesturing to a patch of clear tatami mat to one side of him. "Dismissed."

You bow your head, set the tray down where you were told, and then you go to the door - and slide it shut. Behind you, the noise of pages rustling stops, and you think it's funny, that this is what has gotten Kojuro-sama to finally look at you again. You turn around and kneel in front of him, folding your hands neatly in your lap before looking up to meet your lord's sharp gaze.

"I dismissed you, Yahiko," Kojuro-sama says. His tone orders obedience, and you shiver a little, biting your lip.

"I will go, Kojuro-sama," you say, "but not yet. I have concerns about your health."

"I'm fine," Kojuro-sama snaps.

You want to roll your eyes. "I'm sure you are, but Fujibayashi-san had told me that you're not yet walking."

Kojuro-sama raises an eyebrow. " _Genya_ told you that?"

You give an awkward shrug, because Fujibayashi-san _hadn't_ told you that, but you assumed it from what he said, so... "He is concerned about the outcome of your plan, with you bed-bound, Kojuro-sama."

" _What_." Kojuro-sama's eyes sharpen, and your heart beats faster, a shiver running down your back. _This_ is the samurai Katakura Kojuro in front of you, not your kind lord who has helped you so much in the past.

You clench your hands on your knees, swallow against your fear, and say, "I asked him. He refused to tell me what you're planning, but he said that it's too much work for one person."

Kojuro-sama's jaw tightens as he stares at you, searching for something. Eventually, he must find it, because he groans and runs a hand over his face. "I should have sent you back to Kyoto when I had the chance."

" _Why?_ " you ask, anger resurfacing. "I've done everything I can to serve you and Masamune-sama well! I've learned medicine, I've learned about poisons, I've learned to fight, I - I _killed for you!_ " The words are louder than you meant, your confusion and hurt from the past few days raising your voice.

"I know!" Kojuro-sama snaps. "And you shouldn't have done that!"

You blink at him, bewildered. "What, and let that man _kill you?_ Masamune-sama needs you too much for that."

"Oh, _Masamune-sama_ needs me, does he?" Kojuro-sama asks with a surprising amount of bitterness. "Is he the only one?"

What on earth was this nonsense? "I have no idea what you're talking about, Kojuro-sama," you say. "You're his right hand, of course others depend on you as much as they depend on him..."

Kojuro-sama pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a deep breath. "Others. Right." His hand drops to his lap and he gives a little, humorless laugh. "And here I am, sitting uselessly as I pay a ninja to do what I should be doing."

"You wouldn't need to pay me," you say, quietly but honestly. "Just tell me what you need, and I'll do it if I can." Your lord's coldness has unsettled you, of course, and angered you, but you still care for him. And for Masamune-sama and the rest of the Date, and you trust that Kojuro-sama's is meant to help them.

"You shouldn't offer yourself so cheaply," Kojuro-sama says, still bitter. "I promised you protection in battle, didn't I? And look what happened instead."

Is that what all this has been about? That Kojuro-sama was injured in battle and you were the one to save him? You look down at your hands, letting them uncurl from clenched fists. You think about your dreams, and how your hands are bloody every night as you kill the people you love, and you wonder if it was worth it.

But only for a moment.

"You gave me protection," you say. "You taught me how to defend myself. I would have died if you didn't."

"But you shouldn't have had to kill," Kojuro-sama replies tiredly. "And that's my fault. I shouldn't have let you come with me, I should have kept you safe."

You bite your lip.

"I was overconfident," Kojuro-sama continues. "I thought..." He pauses. "Killing is something samurai must learn to do, because we live our lives in war. But you're not a samurai, Yahiko. You shouldn't have to..." He pauses again, takes another deep breath. "I remember the nightmares I had, after my first battle. I don't have them anymore, but that's because I have other nightmares instead." He looks up at you, weary and sad. "It would be better for you if you left and returned to your life in Kyoto. You'll be safer then."

You stare at your lord, wondering how he could have misjudged you so much. "Do you really think I could abandon the Date like that?" you ask. "Leave, just because it might be safer for me, personally? When all the people that I care about here would be in danger?"

"And you think you can make that much difference by staying?" Kojuro-sama asks, a little chillier than a moment ago.

It's not as intimidating now that you realize he's angrier at himself than at you. You straighten your back and say, "Yes. Because I trust that your plan will work, and I can be your legs right now until you've recovered."

Kojuro-sama stares at you for another long moment, and then nods slowly. "If you do this... I cannot assure your safety."

"I understand," you say.

"Then... here is what I need you to do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Orihon: a book made by folding paper into a concertina-like form. More portable than scrolls!  
> The Tale of Yoshitsune and Benkei: Minamoto Yoshitsune and his friend/retainer Benkei had an epic relationship, so people told lots of stories about them. Yoshitsune was the brother of Minamoto no Yoritomo, who was the first shogun of the Kamakura era. He was usually depicted as very beautiful and androgynous (and also crossdressed sometimes), while his friend Benkei was depicted as big and burly, contrasting the sophisticated noble with the rough samurai warrior. The tales were about how they fought for each other and about the strong bond between male warriors, celebrating samurai culture.
> 
> The part with Masamune and Yahiko has made me giggle for weeks, because Masamune thinks Yahiko and Kojuro are engaging in the practice of wakashuujo (which would tend to involve sexual relationships alongside the mentoring), and Yahiko completely has no idea why he thinks Yahiko would want to spend more time with him instead of Masamune.
> 
> Thanks to kitsydemon for reminding me that Kojuro pushed MC hard in training in canon because he was trying to get her to quit a bit. That's basically where the entire conflict of this chapter came from, exploring how Kojuro would react to being injured and "useless" and unable to fulfill his promise to MC to keep her safe on the battlefield.

**Author's Note:**

> I realize this first chapter has followed canon pretty closely. However, from here on out, things are gonna start changing!
> 
> My apologies for messing up Japanese seasonal foods. I did a bit of research, but admittedly was very lazy about it and was mostly focused on figuring out if "bitter almonds" (aka the smell of cyanide, according to the in-game encyclopedia section) would be something Out Of Place for MC.
> 
> In the same vein, I'm trying out the use of Japanese honorifics in this fic. Honorifics are translated into English titles and left out in the American version of Samurai Love Ballad Party, but I think they are very useful for conveying relationship information. _That said_ , I might not use them correctly all the time, so feel free to @ me in the comments with helpful info!


End file.
